Feeling Better Ish

My password to my computer…and only my computer is "I Choose Life."
I just had to type it in to get on here to bog. It reminds me each time how important recovery is.

I'm on two of three buses I'll take home to Bothell tonight. It's actually peaceful and obviously I have time to write…or watch TV over the shoulder of the guy in front of me-if only I could lip read.

I just had dinner group for treatment.

I supplemented, which means I took a shake instead of eating the brisket they put before me. I just couldn't chew it…nor enjoy it. I also had asparagus-my pee's going to smell.

Today has had a light about it. Kind of like "Every now and again sometimes, I get lost on the wind of a dream. The air gets clean and the seas get wide. And I can do anything." That's called "Anything" by Mae. We listened to it before dinner. It was very relatable for me.

I keep having these stints of bliss. Of clarity. Of I can do it! Just don't focus on your weight so much. Easy. And then I wake up from that "wind of a dream" to a toilet bowl full of puke and my shaking hands. Reality. It's not that easy. But then like the tide, hope comes around again.

Hope is here now. Today I woke up and decided to follow my meal plan and to only workout every other day like my nutritionist suggested. So far so good…I even had two sugar cookies and haven't really freaked out about it. As I say that I get uneasy in my seat.

When I was given the supplement instead of eating the brisket I could have easily tossed it out and saved calories. It took a lot to take it as I saw other girls not touching theirs—other girls that are thinner than me.  But I did it. I've got to start trusting my treatment team and not Ed. Ed has gotten me no where but unhappy and unhealthy. It's so much easier said than done. And it's so uncomfortable.

My mind raced back and forth from workout before work? No you won't finish your work. But maybe just a little? No. Yes. Ok go change. NO NO NO. Sigh.

But it's easier to follow direction from my treatment team than Ed. It makes me happier. They tell me not to drink—not in the moment but after I'm happy I when I stay sober. They tell me that restricting isn't good—I usually binge the night after restricting all day. They tell me no to compare—I am miserable when I see other girls thinner than me (for shit's sake this woman at work today was showing off that she could wear kids jeans—fuck off lady).

I'm just not sure where I stand. I feel wildly out of control. Like I'm in the wrong. Like there's something I'm forgetting when I'm not constantly thinking about restricting, and working out. No one calls me skinny anymore. I've lost my identity. Who am I then?

I'm getting pretty sensitive at work to people not answering my emails, not appreciating the goodies I bring in, the extra work I do—so I take it as though they don't like me. So what can I change? My appearance. It's a cycle.

So without being skinny I'm just the girl no one likes. Sigh. Ok this is making me sad.

GRATITUDE LIST!

·         I got to work on time today

·         After being gone from 5:45 AM to 8:20 PM the cats didn't throw up or pee anywhere!

·         I did what I was told today

·         I had a really fun dinner group—oh that's the other thing, people in treatment seem to genuinely like me. They ask me about my life. I am bubbly, not shy, I have confidence—I'm just me.

·         I'm watching The Princess and the Frog

·         I have a super sexy super funny boyfriend

·         And I have a girls night tomorrow!

OH and the funniest thing happened. I had my bike helmet attached to my backpack and I raced into Microsoft to pee in between busses. I peed with my backpack on for efficiency purposes and when I stood up I got yanked back down. My helmet got caught on the flusher so I was just flushing the toilet and cracking up with my pants down in the bathroom for a little bit. HIL-AIR.

Good night.