Isolating.

So I wrote this two days ago, but I got kicked out of my blog and fucking google doesn't have a place where you just contact them to say "I am not computer savvy, help me."

I finally figured out how to sign back into this sucker after two days of bitching and resisting to throw my computer. (google kept telling me I didn't have an account-bitch-I have an account).

ANYWAY: Pretend it's two days ago on the bus:

Just left treatment.

I wish the woman next to me wasn't chewing gum.

Oh shit she can probably read this.

FOCUS KRIS.FOCUS.

So I haven't written because I didn't want to think. I'm sick of thinking. Of summarizing how I'm doing. Are you sick of it too?

Here's to hoping you're not…

I'm not surprised I've gone back inside my shell.

Back when I would tell my mom I was struggling she would yell at me. She didn't understand the disease or how I saw what I saw or why I did what I did—I learned to not mention what was happening—it was safer for all of us.

In high school if I would complain about things my friends would talk behind my back.  (granted I was very sick then and probably talked about it in a different way and amount)

But my therapist brought up today that now isn't then. That what if my friends really do care? I'm not giving them the chance to by automatically shutting them out. What would happen if I did reach out to my support team?

And to answer that basically I'm just scared of being annoying. Being that person in your group you try to get rid of. That everyone talks about, "Oh Kris is doing her thing again…" "God does she ever think of anyone but herself?" So I'm going to go out on a limb and reach out when I'm struggling, not just with food stuff but life stuff. Work has been shit this week and my anxiety is through the roof. My therapist thinks that's because I have been keeping it inside.

Hmm what else? I have been drinking. I said I didn't want to but I am. Guys it's hard not to. I haven't drank in excess or anything so that's good—but now my therapist is having me get papers signed at AA meetings. Damn.

I'm actually relieved. I've been wanting to go to them but my anxiety freezes me and keeps me at home—not sure why—but now that I have to go, I well have to go. I can't do this alone. I think there's shame in that. It's just one more thing I need help with.

I've been very negative lately. My perspective is pessimistic. It's no fun. And it's not helping. So here I am again writing out the positive things from today:

1.       When I went to go throw away my banana peel a squirrel jumped out of the garbage can scaring the hell out of me—I then laughed alone for what felt like forever

2.       I'm going to shower tonight

3.       I'm going to see my best friends tonight to talk about my first ever bachelorette party (…not for me obviously)

4.       ChaCha said "Justin Fever" today instead of Bieber

5.       My socks aren't soggy

6.       I made a list of things I can do instead of bingeing and it totals 89 things

7.       I fought Ed and didn't workout today

8.       ChaCha just told me he's taking me to dinner on Valentines' Day (aw)

9.       I discovered Kid President

10.   I discovered Griz's new album Mad Liberation

I'm not allowed to wear jeans for a month (therapist's goal for me since my anxiety goes through the roof when I wear them)

That's it kids. <3 o:p="">