I Didn't Mean To Throw Up

Most people hate puking.
When they hear I'm a bulimic, most people's reaction is "I don't know how you do that to yourself, I hate throwing up."
There are two different kinds of throwing up, selfinduced and uh not.
The past two days I've been throwing up because I'm sick AND I FUCKING HATE IT.
It doesn't feel the same when I do it. When I'm sick like this I have aches and chills and shakes. I throw up stomach acid and that taste stays in my mouth forever.
So just to clear that up, that well at least for me, I don't feel like that when I throw up. It's not pleasant by any means, but it's not that unpleasant.
Also since I'm sick I have NO appetite. This is weird coming from someone who is hungry 1 hour after a full breakfast.
But I'm so proud of myself for not turning to food to fix everything, which is what I usually do. Each everything until I feel better...no it doesn't make sense but neither does this disease.
So I've been stuck at home two days and since I have a studio I pretty much live in my kitchen and I haven't binged or purged (on purpose) at all.
GO ME!
Also, I just made blueberry muffins for ChaCha because even though I'm pukey (yes that's a word) and sick and disgusting he still wants to come over and hang out. I'm thinking of introducing him to Anchor Man or Bridesmaids.
The texture of pudding and cheesecake and batter etc are the easiest to binge off of for me, so this was a challenge. I started licking the spoon, had one spoonful then another and then said WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
And now I'm here,writing instead.

I also wanted to say that I've continued to learn things from my birthday fiasco weekend.

I DO have people that care about me.

This morning I actually went into work hoping I was ok and ended up getting sick at 8.
My coworker (there were only like two there at that hour) drove me home thank God and I told her I owed her big time and she said something that stuck with me "Kris, it's no big deal, that's what friends do."

And while all of my friends weren't able to make it to that one event, that one day, that doesn't mean I don't have any.

I have a tendency to zoom in on one moment, magnatize it and worry the shit out of it. It's an annoying habit.

But I've had other friends text and ask if they can do anything. Ask me how I'm doing. I've had friend who've read my last blog post and written me telling me how they saw me, instead of my one-sided Ed view.

A friend told me he had a crush on me but didn't bother because I had guys lined up. I didn't see my freshman year of college like that. That's when bulimia started and that's when I was so into the disease that life was just a formality. It was nice to step back and see the big picture and remember all elements of my past, not just the bad.

Ok I'm going to go put on deoterant and lotion and act like I showered for Chacha...haha I'm so gross.

Good night!