Older and uh Wiser?

There's a mom and daughter in front of me talking about family issues.

Then annoying, stereotypical Mercer Island housewives behind me blabbing, "Oh it's an awesome show. Oh totally I know! I saw it in NY just amazing…"

As I try to ignore them I look outside. It's pretty much pitch black out minus a bit of blue sky that's getting swallowed up by the clouds and the cityscape. It looks magical, all the buildings lights glimmer brighter as the cloud cover overtakes the sky and night comes.

Today is my 25^th birthday. I can feel it. I feel special, I feel different and I feel confident—mostly I feel like myself.

My therapist said today that I'm just being Kris right now. I learned in our session that there are many Kris's—that's not a bad thing. There's frazzled me, there's sad me, there's fucking pissed off me and there's confused me, to name a few—the catch is they are all still ME.

But today it was easier to be me. I was comfortable in my skin, I didn't second guess what I said or what I did, what I wanted to eat and even though I was very worried about what to do tonight I'm set on my plans.

I'm the type that wants to make everyone else happy on my birthday. I don't want anyone the next day talking to their coworkers about their night and being like, "I had to go to this stupid movie which gave me a headache but I did it because the birthday girl wanted to…" that means I won't have fun, actually I make myself not have fun from worrying. Which is no fun.

So tonight I'm going to get gelato (which I love but am scared of) and to see Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away 3D (have to google that everytime).

It's a great way to end a wonderful day.

I want to say the highlights of my day were the facebook "happy birthdays" what a way to feel loved by my 75 closest friends!

As well as my coworkers—who totally rocked today.

WE usually do a potluck thing where everyone brings a bunch of really tasty, intimidating food and it sits there all day for me to have to look at avoid and talk to –yes talk to.

But I requested a sandwich bar thing and they delivered! I was able to eat on my meal plan comfortably and without fear. It was wonderful.

So this doesn't really have a point I just haven't written in a while.

I'm still not drinking – 9 days! But I have thrown up—just twice which is good.

I'm doing well overall except for that Ed is nagging me to lose weight. I want to be skinny but without the eating disorder—is it possible?

So I'm constantly fighting urges to restrict. To throw up meals. To over-workout. As well as those negative thoughts that keep telling me I'll be happier if I'm thinner.

It's embarrassing to admit that I just want to lose weight,  but that's where I'm at. And it's really hard with everyone talking about their diets and weight loss plans.

Also, I've noticed that I do really well if I get an entire day to myself. Where I don't have to go anywhere answer to anyone—I used to think it was bad but I realize I need to recoup—regularly. So seeing that as a positive thing is new.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Chacha is home J I'm going to dinner with him tomorrow. Dancing on Friday with my girls. Saturday is my bd and Sunday is FOOTBALL! Go hawks.  

That's all. My stop is up. Good night!