I Learned Some Shit Today

I've had some big realizations today.

If you didn't read last night's post you probably should—but then again why wouldn't you have? I'm so damn interesting how could you not?

But seriously.

On Friday we had a speaker come to the center, she was a bulimic, abused alcohol and was molested and raped when she was younger. I have many things in common with her.

At the end of the session we were allowed to ask questions, and I wanted to know whether or not she got over the abuse and rape.

Did she still hate men? Did she cringe at hugs? Did she have a relationship still with those who took advantage of her? Does it get better?

Her answer made my heart sink and my eyes fill with tears. No—no she doesn't have a real relationship with her abusers and no—it hasn't gotten better.

Today I brought this up at group therapy. And I heard somethings and learned somethings that I think I have been trying to figure out for years.

I have been trying to have a relationship with the abuser ever since it happened because I felt it was my fault—I wanted to make everything ok again—I wanted to act like it had never happened—so that's what I've tried to do.

Only it did happen—it wasn't ok—and it will never fully be ok again.

The person that I want him to be, he never will, because he never was.

All this time I've been trying to be good enough for him and his attention, friendship etc and I've never met those expectations because it's never going to happen.

This lead me to open up about my birthday 'party' snowball fight.

It is incredibly scary for me to take a chance and have confidence. I went out on a limb that people would want to show up for me, want to hang out with me, want to do this for and with me. It took a lot of courage to say, I'm going to think about making me happy today, not everyone else. And what happened? No one showed up.

At first I took this to mean, again, I'm not good enough, there's something wrong with me. How come I care so damn much about other people and they can't return the same common courtesy? Well that's because I'm not other people, I am unique, I am gracious, caring and selfless—not everyone is that way.

It took a very good friend of mine to help me realize that tonight and I'm so blessed that she did.

You see no one showing up reminded me of high school, junior high—where I was so confused and lost and didn't know how to be seen, to be liked, to be "ok." All I knew for sure was that I was attractive and if I got skinny I got some kind of approval that I wasn't getting at school or at home. And thus the eating disorder took hold.

And now I'm in a place where I don't have my looks, I'm not skinny, I can't have my disorder so who am I?

I used to base all my decisions on being thin. What I ate, how I spent my time, where I went, what I wore, etc all towards my 'value' of being skinny and attractive.

Now, I'm not supposed to do that—shit I CAN'T do that anymore—and I don't know how to find my value and my worth.  It's hard and it's confusing.

Living for God sounds nice, I'm not sure what that means, but I need to eat and to be healthy in both mind and body in order to serve him. So I'm going to try to do just that.

And you know something else? Every single girl that I invited from treatment had the time and the heart to call / text me that they couldn't come as well as ask me how it was the next day. Same with my best friends. So that just shows me who my real friends are, and honestly I have quite a few of them.

I feel so much better.

Sigh.

Goodnight and God bless.