First is the shame and hate I have towards myself.
After my big woo I'm not drinking resolution-I drank on Friday.
I had gone 11 days without the stuff and thought one couldn't hurt but nope.
Before going dancing with my friends I said I'm ok, I only want two drinks.
I had four, my friends noticed, I brushed their questions off.
I drank more because my friend was getting more attention than me.
It's just not fair and so confusing, why am I not good enough?
She's already booed up. She's naturally pretty. Everyone likes her. I admire her. She's younger than me. A great dancer. Eats what she wants and is skinny. My heart dropped when the bartender brought me close and asked "so your friend, she taken?" thinking he was going to compliment me. Usually dancing is my thing, but nope, this girl one-uped me. I was just watching her in awe as she had only one drink, wondering how she does it. How she is so confident with herself. Wondering what she does that makes her so desirable and what I'm doing wrong.
I binged and purged when I got home that night. Telling my friends that I was ok.
The next morning, Saturday, I woke up ashamed and depressed and angry.
I binged and purged all morning until 2 when I was supposed to leave for my 25th birthday party.
To celebrate being a quarter of a century I wanted to go to the gigantic snowball fight at Seattle Center. What a unique thing to do!
I invited 40 people on facebook-20 said they were going-4 people showed up.
Do you have any idea how stupid I still feel? How embarrassed?
Of the 20 about 8 were nice enough to say I'm sorry I can't come. Totally fine with me, I understand! But when it's getting late into the day and no one has shown up or called and my boyfriend and his friend ask me "where are your friends?" And I don't have an answer for them, it really fucking sucks.
The fight was ok and I tried letting go and being in the moment rather than thinking about how lame I felt. But I couldn't especially because of one person in particular that let me down. I'm always ALWAYS there for them and they did nothing to say they were or were not coming and all they had time to do was text me happy birthday on the actual day. I'm too chicken to confront them so I'm writing it on here.
Anyway, so fight happened, pretty cool to be apart of breaking a world record. And getting to hang out with Chacha since he's been gone so long.
Then we went to meet up with his friends at a bar. And I wanted a beer. I felt like shit about myself and just thought well fuck it.
I'm getting closer with my man and am less petrified to tell him about my disease so I told him what I had done that day and he said he'd help me not drink a lot today, which he did, bless him.
We went home napped-and this is a good thing-I ate pizza for my first time since recovery (so August). YAY! Then just sat and talked, or well Ed talked to me and I did all the listening.
He was telling me that Chacha's friends think I'm stupid. I was really out of it from binging and purging and then drinking so, well honestly wasn't being the sharpest tool in the shed that day. And I was already down on myself so when they were making fun of "Blondie" I took it to heart.
I HATE WHEN I DO THIS. I hate when I get so inside my head and so scared of people and what they think. It's very hard to get out. It makes it so I am too scared to talk. I shut down. My tongue swells and I literally can't say anything because I'm so ashamed of being nervous and not knowing what to say.
So what did I do? Drink more.
We ended up going to Cha Cha and that was fun then dancing at Neighbors which made my night.
I ran into old high school friends and one of them goes "congratulations" and I was like gurl what? And then she said she reads my blog. I was so flattered to hear that and to have her rooting for me.
I went home with Chacha so I didn't eat or throw up.
Today I woke up feeling like shit.
I can't do this anymore. I'm so sick of saying that I want to stop and I don't. I wish I could slap myself awake. I wish I could just fucking get it. I wish I could drink normally, eat a damn cookie, not cry when I wear jeans, not be jealous of my friends, not always be thinking about being skinny.
BUT I know that that thinking doesn't help, just makes me more depressed.
All I can do is the best I can and well, I honestly am trying. I'm still bitter sometimes that I have this and that I have to spend thousands on treatment. That I have to spend 4 days a week traveling to treatment and home again while my friends get to go to happy hours, soccer games, have a life.
BUT that doesn't get me anywhere except for mad.
I just want to get it right. I want to do this. I want to do it now. I'm so fucking determined sometimes but then I forget everything I know and do things to hurt my recovery. This is really fucking hard.
I'm just getting "back on the horse" - er I don't like that saying because it sounds like I was so defeated. Messing up is apart of my recovery too, each time I do I think I get a little stronger or am at least reminded as to why I want to be healthy and why I am spending thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours to be better.
So I'll go with the positive things:
Ahem.
2. I got mine from her! It's on my night stand :)
3. I didn't binge or purge today
4. Instead of bingeing and purging I painted my nails, researched primary care doctors, cleaned and wrote in my blog :)
5. I got this for my 25th birthday!
6. I'm learning who my real friends are.
7. I'm bringing in my Nerf gun to work tomorrow-where it will permanently live.
8. I'm going to bed in about a half an hour.
9. I was on The (206) last night in a skit with Chris Cashman.
9.5 The Seahawks game was a good one. (it gets a half because it's not all positive)
10. Now That I've had another weekend bender I hope / think / pray that I really will stop drinking for the time being, all of this mess, depression, anxiety and hate started from that "harmless" beer. I need to give myself a chance at beating this and when I'm drinking I'm not doing that.
Ok that's all.
Goodnight.
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