My New Years Resolution

June 23, 2012 I broke my 6 month sobriety.
Ever since I started drinking again I've been trying to stop. But been unsuccessful.

There are times when I can have just one and go home and not binge and purge. There are days when I don't restrict all day just so I can drink. I've had times when I've gotten just shmammered and not binged and purged. And all of those times make me feel like I could do it again. However, there are more times than not that I have done the complete opposite. Plus, the next day is also incredibly hard for me to not to continue my habits since I'm hung over and miserable.

I am embarrassed that I haven't been able to stop on my own. That I've said this to my close friends and they've said "that's a good idea" and I've continued to drink. I'm embarrassed that I keep saying "Oh I've been sober at a show before and I can do it again"...only to find myself buying booze the second I'm in there.

But now that I think about it, when I did it the first time it was very hard. I had to not go out  at first, and go to AA meetings instead just to get through the weekend without having a drink. And I had forgotten that. I had forgotten how uncomfortable I was being sober while everyone else was drunk. But most importantly I forgot WHY I had made that decision for myself, it was so I could stop bingeing and puring and restricting.

So this isn't forever, but it's for now. For as long as I'm in recovery and going to the Moore Center.   I know I can do this, I just wasn't willing to take the steps to do it.

After publicly making the commitment to do this again aka posting it on facebook-because everyone knows it's not official until it's on facebook-I will have to be held accountable. I also texted my close friends so I can't be sneaky when we go get dinner or HH.

And now saying something here makes it more real. A buzz, a beer, free shots are not worth the pain, ainxst and self-deprication that happens after and the next day.

I really am worth recovery. And I need to give myself a fighting chance at it.

There will be hard times and I'll have to white knuckle it and find other ways to "get a buzz" but I can do it with your support and His love.

Also, I am going to start flossing every other day.

:)

Happy 2013-May it be our lucky year!