Like Anyone is Going To Read This On a Friday Night

That was me a year ago. I was too skinny, just out of jail (seriously), miserable and confused.

Today was supposed to be a celebration.

To mark how far I've come.

How successful I am now.

How changed, enlightened, happy, healthy…whatever…I am.

I'm writing to you from the tangled blankets of my bed. My eyes sting every time they close because they are dry—that's what happens when you throw up three times in three hours.

 I am disgusted with myself.

I have more support than I've ever had.

IOP at the Moore Center which I go to four days a week.

A full time job with understanding lead and manager.

A sponsor in AA and the fellowship.

My wonderful boyfriend.

My gracious friends.

My now understanding parents.

And yet here I am. Eyes half open. Hands shaking. My stomach nauseated. My throat raw.

Some celebration.

I see the negative working in my head. It wants to bash me, make me hurt. Just give in…you've already fucked up your meal plan…fuck up your sobriety. Let everyone down. Who cares? I mean really? They'll just be disappointed for a while but you've put them there before. They've heard it before. Just do it again.

This all started when I stopped drinking.

The compulsion to overeat was uncomfortable. I would find my mind drifting to what I could binge off of "for the last time." I began to mourn my eating disorder. I never understood that until now.

So I did it. I looked everyone in the eye and told them I was ok as my destructive plans worked in my head. I binged and purged last night. It hurt. It was not enjoyable.

However, I woke up rejuvenated. Happier than I'd been all week. Shit. This eating disorder DOES serve me a purpose.

4 hours later I'm eating my lunch an hour early…then going into my snack. All my food gone before lunch even started.

I slowly began to binge after that. Grabbing snacks, cookies, breads, cakes no one stopping me. The rush of doing it in front of people. The hate for myself swimming in my head with each bite.

I was so full I could barely move—this girl was not going to treatment. It was family night too. So I bailed on my recovery team, my parents and myself for food. Luckily work got so busy that I ended up having to stay late.

So I had to sit with all this food in me. It was so uncomfortable.

I called my AA sponsor for peace. She gave it to me and yet I could hear the thoughts going. "Maybe this one last combination of food…cake batter and cookie dough…maybe that'll do it…"

But I fought it. I fought it for an hour until I found myself at QFC with the cookies in hand.

So I came home and did what I do best. I ate until I couldn't stand up and barely had to force myself to vomit. Then I did it until I was shaking and stomach acid was stinging my throat.

"There. That's it." I thought. And yet I forgot, like I do every time, that that "last time" isn't my last time. I found myself searching the cupboards for another concoction that'd wake me up give me that jolt of whatever it is I needed. Nothing came out so I just ate things I knew I could throw up easily.

I know this is graphic but well, I'm being honest. This is the only place I am honest. Because I don't have to look at any of you…I don't tell my best friends this or my treatment friends…the shame is too great. But here I can tell the black and white of my screen and release. Anyway…

So I did it. And then I did it again. And now I can't stop shaking.

I'm supposed to go to Lucky in 2 hours. I'm dehydrated, exhausted and well fucked up. A drink sounds good right now. Escape from my escape.

 But does it really sound that good? What did I just learn? That bingeing and purging didn't help but rather hurt so what will my other addiction do? Help then hurt.

I can't tell if I've come as far as I thought, there's that negativity again.

So here goes my gratitude list:

·         I'm so grateful for ChaCha he listens to me and doesn't blame me for any of my faults.

·         I'm grateful I'm not in jail right now

·         I'm grateful for finding glitter nail polish and flower clips at Walgreens

·         I'm grateful that my mom and I talk pleasantly to one another every day

·         I'm grateful that I get to dress like a slutty rainbow tonight and it's ok

·         I'm grateful that I have gigantic boobs to show off tonight

·         I'm grateful for Gatorade because my electrolytes are so fucked up that I could have a heart attack if I don't drink the stuff

·         I'm grateful for the legs I hate that allow me to dance all night long

·         I'm grateful for Pretty Lights because a year ago at Ultra they helped change my life and how I felt about shows.

Thanks for reading. 

What I Learned in Church Last Week

Now that Easter is over, being a good wonderful charming (well shoot I'm always charming) human being is not in the forefront of my mind.

Last Sunday, Pastor Paul did me a favor.
He specifically said in his sermon, KRISTIN LEIGH (middle names mean business)YOU NEED TO BE BETTER THAN YOU"RE BEING BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN DOING SOME NOT-SO-GOOD-STUFF AND MESSING UP AND IT'S TIME TO CUT IT OUT ... LIKE NOW.

... well ... ok NO ... the sermon ... his LAST sermon at NCP mind you ... was not catered to me ... but it might as well have been. Pastor Paul may have given my direction a glance while reminding us to not forget God's love and his way and to not lose our own after Easter.

HANYVAY.

I've learned God can be subtle. OR AS OBVIOUS AS ... uh something really obvious.

When Jesus rose from the dead God was pretty darn clear. He rolled a GINORMOUS bolder away from the cave, put an angel by it and had all of Jesus's clothing on the floor.
Yup safe to say he has risen.

AND YET PEOPLE STILL DIDN'T BELIEVE.

And yes. I am or uh was one of those people.

I have liked the idea of God and Jesus and a higher power and that someone will always love me no matter what ... it's a really frickin good idea however WHY THE HECK WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?

After all the crap I pull ... I mean really? And not even me there are worse people out there ... He still loves them too? WTF MATE. ( oh the memories http://www.ebaumsworld.com/. Class-ic.)

So this was explained to me in the children's message. By way of KUNG FU PANDA!




So first we watched the video.
So yes you do it too...it's only like 2 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x62c8gsnJOQ

Ok great. The little rabbityracoonythingwithwhiskers is TOTALLY me. Or well how I was acting and handling my life.
I CAN control what jobs I apply for ... I CAN control my resume/cover letter ... I CAN control my responses to my interviews ... I CAN control my efforts in my recovery ... etc So therefore I was freaking out and trying so hard to do everything I possibly could to NOT fail that I WAS failing.

Ya dig?

But that is one wise turtle. You have to set your fears aside and BELIEVE. Control is an illusion ... yes you can take steps toward a goal and well you should BUT fate and God and faith will always let happen what is meant to. He knows best. So basically you just need to ... CHILL BRO.

Side note....so Chad's not coming? Chad's not even real? (Bro Rape ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8) Also a classic.

But seriously. I listened to this advice as best I could with the job thing and BADDABINGBADDABOOM. I got myself a frickin J O BIZZLE...WHO AM I? Jeezelaweeze. It's bed time.

I stopped applying for stupid reception jobs that I didn't really want but it would be cool to maybe work my way up in that company because they seem kind of cool on paper and have the name media in their title so I could pretend I'm doing something I actually went to school for but no not really at all. I stopped revamping my resume. I stopped trying so hard to network. And just tried being happy with what I had.

The next couple of days Holland America called me for a youth services position I applied for months ago. Had a grand interview which I didn't even have to try in (because it was so grand), had an equally awesome second interview and was offered a contract 20 minutes after hanging up the phone.

I leave for two one week tours to Alaska July 2nd.

YAY!

You only have two hands. When ones clutching sin and the others gripping worry you have no hands left to be useful.
LET GO.
You can't MOVE UP from the monkey bars of life if you're not willing to let go of the bar you're holding.
It's scary as all get out but you won't know until you try.

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed my interactive ish blog post.

Kris.

PS THANK YOU GOD FOR THE SUN THIS WEEKEND!