Finding The Silver Lining In The Shit Of It

So after crying my eyes out and talking about a pretty bad / shameful night in here, with friends, my sponsor and my higher power I realize that long story short, I just got too drunk.

I don't have to feel like shit about myself forever.
I don't have to ask for constant forgiveness.
I don't have to suck up to my friends.
I don't have to be ashamed and hang my head.

Not to say what I did wasn't bad or doesn't mean anything but I just made a mistake-a big one but still an honest to God mistake. I made an ass out of myself and most likely you've done it too.
 
People make mistakes, it's how you react to those mistakes that matter.

What caused me to drink and has time and time again is negativity.
My mind goes that direction naturally, that's just how Ed has taught me to think over the past 11 years and it's a hard habit to break.

If something is gone I don't think I misplaced it, I 'know' someone has stolen it.
If I hear someone say my name it's not because they are giving me a compliment, it's because they are making fun of me.

You get it.

So, after beating myself up and being physically sick all day because of what I had done I decided to put my big girl pants on and get the fuck over it.

In order to do that I had to take action.

I apologized to my friends. One accepted it the other hasn't said a word to me and well that's on her.

I reached out to friends to help me talk my feelings through and make sense of what happened and why. I also just needed a pick me up.

I laid in bed and watched the rest of Weeds. I made myself a bomb ass sandwich. Did some chores. Basically made me feel human again.

I called ChaCha and we went and got pho for dinner. He gave me a pep talk or two and a much needed hug.

I talked to my sponsor about how to not skimp on program and what me drinking meant while working the steps.

And I went to bed on time. Peacefully and sober.

I didn't over eat or throw up.
I didn't give in and just get drunk to help me fall asleep.

I just took the next right step. I'm trying to follow direction, do what I'm told by people who care about me instead of what Ed and booze want me to do.

When they come up in my head and have me start to tell me how much I suck, how fat I am, how to not eat that, how I'm lazy...I just tell them it's not true and to leave me alone.

This is the first time I've figured out that positivity and kindness to myself will help me more than hating myself and just sitting in my anxiety.

So maybe this had to happen in order for me to grow, learn who I want to be and that who I am now isn't who I'm always going to be.

IAMAFUCKINGBALLOONANIMAL

I'm supposed to journal about my hunger.

I say I'm supposed to like it wasn't my idea - BECAUSE IT WAS!

I said it at some strange point when I was in a fine and dandy mood. Recovery? Yea--I can do that. No problem.

Now I'm just white knuckling not using behaviors (over exercising or bingeing). I'm making myself write this before leaving work because Ed was all "oh do it when you're home." As soon as we get home we go to the kitchen and eat the first thing we see.

I feel like a fucking balloon animal. My safest leggings are tight. Yes I know they are leggings you smart ass...but they are worse or feel worse. I didn't want to wear them but I had NOTHING else to put on this fat ass.

So I'm uncomfortable. Every movement is a reminder of my insecurity and I get more and more annoyed with myself.

On top of that I'm insane because I'm on birth control and prozac but when you throw up 3/7 days of the week you don't really get the full effect of the medicine. AND I'm on my period kind of. So my body is all sorts of fucked up.

I just want to feel better now. And I'm not. My anxiety is growing by the minute and writing about it is not helping. It's magnifying it. I'm so aware of what I'm feeling physically and emotionally and I can't go to what I usually do to make myself feel better sooooooooooooo...what the fuck do I do?

My heart is racing. I'm sucking in while writing. Clenching my legs. My teeth are  locked. I want to explode. I want to feel better. I want to be thin. Then all this would go away. I want to run away from myself. I don't want to be this anymore. I don't want this disease. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I want to be normal. I want to not have treatment four days  a week and meetings in between just to fucking function.

I'm getting madder as I write.

I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in 4 hours so it's probably real hunger. But sometimes it's just emotional. It feels like real hunger. God this disease is everywhere. I fucking hate it. I'm going to go hit something. Fuck I can't the gym is taken up right now.

I don't know what to do.

I'm a fat emotional wreck and I hate it this me everything. a,sdmfl;k;df jfd;lkd;lkf;dskfgp FUCK.