Finding The Silver Lining In The Shit Of It

So after crying my eyes out and talking about a pretty bad / shameful night in here, with friends, my sponsor and my higher power I realize that long story short, I just got too drunk.

I don't have to feel like shit about myself forever.
I don't have to ask for constant forgiveness.
I don't have to suck up to my friends.
I don't have to be ashamed and hang my head.

Not to say what I did wasn't bad or doesn't mean anything but I just made a mistake-a big one but still an honest to God mistake. I made an ass out of myself and most likely you've done it too.
 
People make mistakes, it's how you react to those mistakes that matter.

What caused me to drink and has time and time again is negativity.
My mind goes that direction naturally, that's just how Ed has taught me to think over the past 11 years and it's a hard habit to break.

If something is gone I don't think I misplaced it, I 'know' someone has stolen it.
If I hear someone say my name it's not because they are giving me a compliment, it's because they are making fun of me.

You get it.

So, after beating myself up and being physically sick all day because of what I had done I decided to put my big girl pants on and get the fuck over it.

In order to do that I had to take action.

I apologized to my friends. One accepted it the other hasn't said a word to me and well that's on her.

I reached out to friends to help me talk my feelings through and make sense of what happened and why. I also just needed a pick me up.

I laid in bed and watched the rest of Weeds. I made myself a bomb ass sandwich. Did some chores. Basically made me feel human again.

I called ChaCha and we went and got pho for dinner. He gave me a pep talk or two and a much needed hug.

I talked to my sponsor about how to not skimp on program and what me drinking meant while working the steps.

And I went to bed on time. Peacefully and sober.

I didn't over eat or throw up.
I didn't give in and just get drunk to help me fall asleep.

I just took the next right step. I'm trying to follow direction, do what I'm told by people who care about me instead of what Ed and booze want me to do.

When they come up in my head and have me start to tell me how much I suck, how fat I am, how to not eat that, how I'm lazy...I just tell them it's not true and to leave me alone.

This is the first time I've figured out that positivity and kindness to myself will help me more than hating myself and just sitting in my anxiety.

So maybe this had to happen in order for me to grow, learn who I want to be and that who I am now isn't who I'm always going to be.

That Moment When:

Just randomly wrote these down as they came to me.

Add your own or enjoy.

Or shit. Go crazy. Do both.

That moment when:

• You realize you've been rubbing your eyes but still have mascara on.

• You find out your underwear is inside out.

• In the bathroom you go to race out without washing your hands because you're late. But then you realize your co-worker is in there too and looking at you so you try to act like you weren't just about to do what they think you were going to do.

• You realize you've left your spotify on an embarrassing playlist for an hour.

• You realize you forgot to say "just kidding" when sending a sarcastic / mean text.

• You try avoiding a person you assume is homeless that's talking to you and all they wanted were directions.

• At 12:30 at night when you realize you should have ordered decaf earlier.

• You realize you replied all to a department wide email when you just wanted to reply.

• You realize you're not the only one in the bathroom.

• You see an old acquaintance.

• You see an old acquaintance and haven't showered in a while.

• You see an old acquaintance and say goodbye and walk in the same direction as them.

• In the grocery store you see an old acquittance , say goodbye and see them in the next aisle...then deli section and then in the checkout line.

• You think it's almost time for lunch and you realize it's only been an hour since breakfast.

• You're shopping and you notice the girl next to you has the same clothes picked out.

• You send a ;-) when you definitely meant a :-)

• You find out your water bottle isn't open - by dumping it on yourself

"Learning is a life long process. You are never too old to learn."

"Learning is a life long process. You are never too old to learn."


I don't know who said that, but I googled learning quotes and baddabingbaddaboom. Zer you go.


Once out of school the tests are over, the studying ceases and never again will you have to have the agonizing choice of "is it C or D? Damn. C. It's always C."


HA ya right. I learn all the time. School was just helping you get ready for the rest of your life. 


I hope everyone can tell when I'm being sarcastic by now. If not I AM BEING SARCASTIC RIGHT NOW. 


To prove my point, that even though I am no longer in school, I am still a bright bulb, here is what I learned in my short jaunt to work this morning.

1. Put deoterant on AFTER you put on a dark shirt.
2. Always bring an umbrella. NO MATTER IF IT'S SUNNY. You live in Seattle. It WILL rain on you.
3. "Slippery when wet," is a real warning, not just a funny sexual inudeno.
1. No, really, the ground is slippery when wet, you need to not run down wet hills.
1. YOU WILL FALL.
4. When you have headphones on no one can hear the music you are dancing to, instead you just look like you have to pee.
5. Make sure your button-up shirt is buttoned ENTIRELY before leaving the house. This will save the nice, elderly woman from having to tell you she can see your bra--and so can the rest of the bus.
6. I need to always make sure my shoes have some sort of traction on the bottoms.
1. YOU WILL FALL otherwise.
7. If the shoes hurt your feet when you put them on, they will keep hurting, so don't buy them.
1. I DON'T CARE HOW CUTE THEY ARE.
8. No matter how much I work out, after two flights of stairs I will always be breathless.
9. Make sure your backpack is zipped up before leaving the house, not when you see your lunch rolling in front of you.
10. You have a lot to learn Kristin.

:)