Sweet Cherry Pie

I woke up this morning with so many thoughts racing through my head about what I did last night.

I had gone out.

I had binged and purged earlier that day even though I did everything I could to not.

I almost binged before going out.

Then I was extremely late because I couldn't find an outfit that looked right.

I get there and ran into at least three different graduating classes from high school.

I almost fought this duuuude...duchebag…who flicked his drink in my face when I told him to leave my girls and me alone.

I saw and talked to girls I used to envy and be afraid of in high school—ones I put on a pedestal, comparing myself to them constantly, knowing I'd never measure up.

I stayed out til the lights came on.

My DD got pulled over.

We stopped at 7-11 for goodies…I made an impulse decision.

I got home and ate.

Now, usually all of these things would be bad. Usually I would have had too much to drink and have racing thoughts of regret attached to each of the above statements. But last night I was sober and I didn't have my drunk goggles on, I saw my night through different glasses. It looked like this…

I went out last night. – Thank god because Ed had me wanting to give up, go home and isolate.

I had binged and purged earlier that day even though I did everything I could to try to not. – I was able to stop it before it got really bad.

I even almost binged before going out. – BUT I DIDN'T.

Then I couldn't find an outfit that looked right. – But I ended up finding one that showed off my new amazing, exquisite breasts (Anchor Man…) and even got compliments on them (THAT NEVER HAPPENS)

I get there and ran into at least three different graduating classes from high school. – Which was really fun, every time I turned around there was a new person I WANTED and ENJOYED talking to. I didn't get scared and quiet.

I almost fought this duuuude…douchebag…who flicked his drink in my face when I told him to leave my girls and me alone. – I was in a very sober state of mind and this guy who was trying to entice us with his drink sloshing and "baking" during Cherry Pie was not.

I saw and talked to girls I used to envy and be afraid of in high school—ones I put on a pedestal, comparing myself to them constantly, knowing I'd never measure up. – But they complimented me, said it was nice to see me, my nerves weren't there and the conversation was genuine, it was easy.

I stayed out til the lights came on. – which usually means I am at the bar trying to get in that one last drink but I was no where near the bar.

My DD got pulled over. – she was sober J

We stopped at 7-11 for goodies…I made an impulse decision. – I got a Slurpee and it felt great to get what I, me, Kris wanted not Ed (usually would have been cookies and candy bars).

I got home and ate. –I had a sammich because I was hungry and stopped there. Usually I would eat anything and everything until I felt sick and throw up in order to go to sleep.

I'm on a high right now, and it's the high I've been failing to get from food, exercise, booze, purging, restricting. It's this genuine, organic happiness … this light.

I have a clear head, I remember everything last night, I didn't check out, I don't regret anything. Oh AND I found $20 on the floor. BOOM.

I've had a VERY hard time lately. I can't seem to not listen to Ed when he tells me "just this one last time we'll eat this…" "just have the cookie … and add this peanut butter to it and maybe syrup would taste good" "Well you've already started might as well go for two more bowls of cereal…." "You have a disease … just give in to me…" 

I've been trying to find that combination of food and flavors that makes me feel happy, high, relaxed … but after many binges and attempts I've come up with nothing but pain.

But I've found it here.

And I've found it because I was honest about my struggles, and because I acted rather than reacted.

I went to an AA meeting at 7:30 before going out. And after I prefunked with a latte and a girl who has 18 months sober. We talked about our addict state of mind. I felt less alone, less like a freak, less ashamed. It was freeing, it's what I've needed and I want more.

I've found the gray area of my black and white mind.

And it's from doing what I'm told. 

It's from writing gratitude lists, staying in a positive state of mind, from trying, from giving a shit about myself, from going to treatment everyday and from calling up ChaCha and telling him I need help, from going to AA meetings and confessing that I have an alcoholic state of mind. It's from doing the work that I need to do and following direction.

I had to do a lot of reaching out, going out of my comfort zone and talking back to my disease last night. It was not easy but my God was it worth it.

THANK YOU to all of you who read. Every time I go out I'm approached by a new person who reads this mess of madness and confession. 

It's an embarrassing yet flattering feeling. 

Your kindness, encouragement and words lift me up and I'm truly grateful for you. 

God bless!

"Learning is a life long process. You are never too old to learn."

"Learning is a life long process. You are never too old to learn."


I don't know who said that, but I googled learning quotes and baddabingbaddaboom. Zer you go.


Once out of school the tests are over, the studying ceases and never again will you have to have the agonizing choice of "is it C or D? Damn. C. It's always C."


HA ya right. I learn all the time. School was just helping you get ready for the rest of your life. 


I hope everyone can tell when I'm being sarcastic by now. If not I AM BEING SARCASTIC RIGHT NOW. 


To prove my point, that even though I am no longer in school, I am still a bright bulb, here is what I learned in my short jaunt to work this morning.

1. Put deoterant on AFTER you put on a dark shirt.
2. Always bring an umbrella. NO MATTER IF IT'S SUNNY. You live in Seattle. It WILL rain on you.
3. "Slippery when wet," is a real warning, not just a funny sexual inudeno.
1. No, really, the ground is slippery when wet, you need to not run down wet hills.
1. YOU WILL FALL.
4. When you have headphones on no one can hear the music you are dancing to, instead you just look like you have to pee.
5. Make sure your button-up shirt is buttoned ENTIRELY before leaving the house. This will save the nice, elderly woman from having to tell you she can see your bra--and so can the rest of the bus.
6. I need to always make sure my shoes have some sort of traction on the bottoms.
1. YOU WILL FALL otherwise.
7. If the shoes hurt your feet when you put them on, they will keep hurting, so don't buy them.
1. I DON'T CARE HOW CUTE THEY ARE.
8. No matter how much I work out, after two flights of stairs I will always be breathless.
9. Make sure your backpack is zipped up before leaving the house, not when you see your lunch rolling in front of you.
10. You have a lot to learn Kristin.

:)

Well That Was Awkward II

Round two for randomisms...Story of my life moments. These are thoughts that have popped into my head and then I've written down. Some are meant to be funny others are ones you may relate to…
"I should write down the ridiculousness that is my life."

"Open spaces make me want to do cartwheels."

(Looking in mirror after finishing my makeup)"Ok I look pretty good today" (Turn around in mirror) "Oh balls—how long has that been tucked up like that?"

"I wonder if Mama Mia will make sense if I fast forward through the singing parts…"

"I like my big headphones because they are like earmuffs."

"Guys that use umbrellas are adorable."

"Cars that are covered in rain look cooler than ones that aren’t."

"I love watching people run when it's not for sport." (Especially if it's after a bus or person) "Crap. Karma will get me for this."

"Oh they're 22 that's my age…OMG no wait—I'm 24 now."

"This headband looks like I'm showing off my roots, my real hair color on one side and my bleached blonde on the other--Man I need to get my hair done."

"Spilled water looks really good on my pants." (No—not really)

 "I wonder if what I just said was mean? (pause) Oh yup she's glaring. Yup that was mean."

 I cried after a taxi driver asked me if I was on drugs and to make up my fucking mind. I made up my mind and got out of the cab right there...then called my mom.


Random thoughts that actually go through my head be impressed … or feel much better about what's going through yours.

Seriously contemplated licking the maple and brown sugar oatmeal packet. Converstaion with coworker—her: "I just had a fat kid moment." Me (blurting out): "I did this morning I totally drank the rest of the chocolate milk." Her: "I was going to drink that chocolate milk." Me: "Oh."

 It's hard to hear your phone ringing when you're blasting your ring tone from your computer.

 I like to pretend I'm making a music video when I have my headphones on.

 7 am getting off the bus in SoDo my headphone cord got caught on a seat. I got yanked back to come face to face with the oldest Asian woman I've ever seen who gave me a toothless grin and removed me from the chair's handle.

 I pulled out my phone to "like" the song I was listening to — on my phone — that's on a playlist — that I downloaded : YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

 I like it when people say that flowers remind them of me. And also public transportation.

 I thought my gauges looked really cool until my headphone cord got caught in them and I yelped in pain on the lightrail. The very quiet FULL light rail. — even better asking my neighbor to help me get unstuck — I've never been so close to a 32 year old Hispanic man. And never will be again. 

Kris

Well...That Was Awkward.

A day in the life of me.

So as long as I'm being honest, I thought I'd show you a glimpse into what my daily life looks like. No worries I won't tell you like when I wake up or what I eat for lunch (5:52 am turkey and cheese sammy) but I mean like the ridiculous shit I do.

I have the most fun sharing random stories like these with my best friends, makes me feel more normal and laughing at their expense is awesome.

So in hopes to entertain you, make you feel less lame (not that you are lame…shoot this may confirm that I am as odd as I thought I was) here are random things that happened to me yesterday (that yes, I kept track of).

What inspired this was the fact that I took a bite of a scrumptious apple and drooled all over my front, of course someone from tech walked by as I make a huge slurping noise…

Then I continued to eat my juicy apple and realized I attempted to eat the sticker because I practically choked on it.

On my way to the bathroom later I just forgot how doors worked and didn't fully open it before attempting to go through it.

When in the bathroom I couldn't get the stupid toilet set covers out so I ended up with like 15 and couldn't figure out what to do with them all so I attempted to put them back in unsuccessfully. I ended up hanging them on the door in hopes someone else would use them.

Another time in the bathroom again, I was so out of it I washed my hands then hit the soap dispenser instead of going for the paper towels. Luckily the other girl in there found this as hilarious as I did.

At my desk I snorted loudly when seeing this image for a sale I was writing.



It's currently my background.

An attractive male coworker told me my voice made me sound like a tranny.

When going down the stairs to head out on my walk I was dancing / rapping to Missy Elliott's 1 2 Step. Didn't know I had an audience until I was face to face with two people coming back from lunch and awkwardly made my quiet singing into a loud cough.

On my walk to my bus my umbrella wouldn't close and I found myself talking to it…ok well yelling at it to "fucking shut you stupid piece of shit" as I walked passed a homeless man…also angry at the world.

I got honked at by a bus when on the corner of the street because I guess he thought I was trying to run out in front of it? The homeless man next to me politely said "Don't worry you'd still be pretty if you got hit by a bus." WHY THANK YOU.

And to end my night I was at Fred Meyer, until closing. I was the last maniac running around the aisles trying to find puff paint. I was joined by a very elderly man in the check out line griping about how much his pumpkin pie cost.

Welcome to my life.