Purging My Feelings

I planned a binge last night.
I planned two actually.
And I did them and that was it.
Then I called out sick to work even though we're really busy.
I slept until 11:30.

Then I woke up and reality hit.
I am upset with myself.
I hate that I have no control over my actions and that I keep putting this stupid disease before everything else.
I cancel hangouts with friends, I don't go to work, I don't go to AA, I don't spend as much time with ChaCha because I want to stuff my face and throw up.
It's disgusting. It's shameful and I hate myself for it.

I keep feeding the disease though (pun intended).
I keep feeling like shit about myself and keep it in so I don't annoy others.
I realized this morning that I don't want to tell anyone I'm struggling (anyone in my 'real life' opposed to treatment life). I want to tell them I'm fine. That everything is ok. That I'm working hard and it's paying off when in reality I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm lonely.
I am afraid people will leave me and get as sick of me as I am of myself if they knew the real me, so I lie.

So when I lie I keep it all in. Which is why I had a breakdown yesterday in the North parking lot of Century Link Field. I was so upset all of a sudden I couldn't get on a bus to go to treatment. I couldn't let myself go there though so I went to the gym and numbed out for as long as my body would let me.

Then I got home ate an entire box of brownie mix and threw up right before ChaCha came over.
I didn't mention it to him because I feel like I always have such issues and I'm so annoyed with myself that he'll get sick of me too.

So I held in the hate and shame longer. I met with my sponsor and casually told her what was going on as I ordered a donut from the coffee shop. I was starting the binge again.

As we read the Big Book I would tune out thinking of what I would eat next and how good it would feel to release it all.

I left her and went straight to the store.
Bought my food.
Did my thing.
And woke up at 11:30 this morning and had to face everything I've been avoiding since 1:30 yesterday. It all hit me at once. And I had to get it out.

I found out that because of my absences that I'm going to get in trouble at work. Rightfully so. But this makes me hate myself more. And as I try to eat a normal lunch Ed is already telling me to screw it up. I'm just a fuck up. After yesterday I don't deserve to eat. I should be at the gym. I really can't do this. And I really should just keep hurting myself.

I told my mom I had a hard time and she  went on to tell me how I shouldn't be posting this online. And I'm most likely hurting my chances at getting a new job by skipping work and having this for the world to read and judge.

And well she's right. But I took it as you're a failure. She reiterated all of the things I already know. My fears. What a disappointment I am. How I'm so slave to this disease. So now I feel worse. Plain and simple.

I just want someone to listen. To tell me I'm going to be ok. Because right now it really doesn't feel like it.

So I'm writing I'm getting it all out. I am feeling the stomach turning hate and sadness that I've been avoiding. I'm letting the tears sting my eyes and my throat go dry. I'm feeling the uncomfortablility that is being me where I'm at right now.

But I'm trying. I'm still fighting by letting this out. By finally being honest. By eating on my meal plan as much as I really don't want to. I'm trying. And that's all I can keep doing because I know how much it sucks when I don't.

Thank you all for your support and for reading.
You have NO idea how much it means to me.

Love,

Kris

And then ChaCha calls. And he tells me he won't get sick of me but if I don't try to help myself then that's what will do it. I need to believe that my friends and my family want to help but they can't help me if I'm not honest. If I don't try. He always has tough love for me. I'm lucky to have him.