Battle Cry - Angel Haze

Lately I have been feeling like no one sees me.

Like my disease does not matter.

Like people forget I have it at all.

And it's a secret again.

My insurance cut out and I'm on my own now.

And it's harder than I'd like it to be.

But I'm ok I guess.

Or am I?

I don't feel as recovery focused. As in control. As productive as I was when I was in program. I feel like I'm falling.

I miss therapy. I miss my dietitian. I miss my group.
Mostly I miss people that understand.

I guess that's where some of the empty hollowness comes from when I sit alone too long.

Because I feel I have no one to turn to anymore.

My support system's lives never revolved around me in the first place but now their lives have gotten even busier and more complicated.

And even if I did reach out what would I say? What would I need from them? Half of the time I don't know.

But as I'm writing right now I know I would say that I'm scared of ED coming back. As I binge and purge about once a week now. And before I had a month without behaviors. I am no where near what I used to be but it's happening more than I want it to. I still drink more than I wish I did. I'm afraid I'm going to become reliant on it. I'm still scared to eat some foods. I still have major PTSD with sexual abuse. I have lost a significant amount of weight and need to gain it back but am petrified to do so. I keep most this to myself (or dump it on my amazing boyfriend but there's only so much he can handle) because I feel like such a burden. Like my time is over. I am done having the attention. I am no longer eating disorder treatment girl. Fix yourself.

And as I reread this I know that I'm in the part of recovery where I validate my own feelings, I become my own therapist etc and I have to advocate myself. And while this is a cowardly attempt at doing so instead of going to you people individually it's a start.

But it's ironic that all of THAT came out because I was actually feeling seen by someone. My brother.
He sent me Battle Cry - Angel Haze. And I have not stopped crying through this post or the 4 times I listened to the song and read the lyrics. 

"Cause it's easy to keep pretending that there's nothing wronAnnotateg
But it's harder to keep their head up and be fucking strong"

You said it girl.