RoyGBiv

This morning I picked a fight with my boyfriend. I am sick, I was tired. I just wanted to fight.

After a stupid back and forth where I just dug myself deeper in things I would have to apologize for later--I apologized.

I know why I get angry, it's things from my past mostly that I haven't fully dealt with mixed with of course frustrations / changes with moving / being human, but I don't know why and how they seem to randomly come up. And I still don't know how to stop the anger until it just blows up.

I hear myself cut people down with words and my tone so vicious. I know I should stop but I don't want to. The anger feels so powerful and good, but then after I feel weak and ashamed. Going through this pattern to get my feelings out and to figure out what I'm really feeling is frustration and loneliness is annoying haha

So then the dude I'm cohabitating with in love with what have you leaves and I'm left alone. I immediately go to the kitchen. I'm not hungry. It's just automatic. I want comfort. I want food.

I fight the urge to binge by cleaning and telling myself to think of the future. It helps to distract myself. Minute by minute the urge lessens.

I look outside and see that the rain has subsided and turned into a rainbow.

Mother Nature showing me that the storm will pass and there's light on the other side. I just have to keep going.