I Said Fuck In Front of a Grandma

I was in my head as I went into the locker room of my gym. Thoughts of whatthefuckamidoingwithmylife mixed with howdoIstopfeelingthisway and a hint of flashbacks to my ex take up most of my day, the breakup has been over 4 months now. Sigh.

Unknowingly I pull on my favorite cutoff and bitch face simultaneously. I walk to the mirror to do my hair. I don't know what I was thinking a about when I catch an older lady out of the corner of my eye gesturing to me.

"What could she possibly want me to do?" I think. I rip my headphones out dramatically, my nonverbal "I was fucking listening to that and YES I had them in to avoid humans like you."

And the 5th Golden Girl (and yes I'm writing this with the cutting tone I had earlier, I would never speak this way normally about people) asks me if I'm wearing my shirt because I am a chiropractor.

I look down at my skeleton cutoff, putting two and two together. And look back at her.

Her calm tone, smile, and adorable question make me realize I've had a bad attitude for a while, and that I'm being extremely rude, but the emotion her question evokes in me overpowers my manners.  I immediately feel embarrassed because no I am not a smart human that went to school for sciency stuff and gets paid a lot. I just bought this tee because it made me feel tough, I think it looks cool and it gives me a much needed confidence boost when lifting...basically it hides my insecurity. So of course I spit out. 

"No I'm too fucking stupid for that."

REALLY KRIS, REALLY!? You just said fuck in front of a nice old lady who is making small talk with you you asshole. 

I try to cover up my insecurity that I just spat in the all too quiet locker room with a laugh and a "I'm just a writer." 

Unphased, this ray of sunshine laughs and says, "Oh honey there is different kinds of smart. Somethings that one person is good at others aren't and so on, but we're all smart."

My iciness melts, and I break into a smile. Good for you lady, I think. And dude you're so right, and I tell her so. 

She continues to laugh and fluff her white hair and says I look pretty awesome in it. My spirits have lifted and I'm catching this woman's easy, positive energy and I jokingly say "Ya I'm smart, good-looking, and strong." And then I--oh Lord yes I'm admitting this--flex in front of her. She calls me the bionic woman and I tell her she's sweet.

I leave the locker room the best I've felt all day. I have the confidence to hold my head up as I walk to the squat machine and smile at those who pass me. I ask a trainer for help with a lift. I tell myself good job after a couple hard sets instead of thinking about getting sexier. 

What I'm getting at is I love moments like these, when I am reminded that life can be a little easier, a little more enjoyable if I let it. And no it's not that easy for me because my brain doesn't work that way, but seeing how a simple interaction, a smile, a change in perspective can really make my life easier is well now going to make my life a lot easier.