I flail in frustration.
"You are not sexy. You are not good. You are failing."
I dance to release but it's not some beautiful, metaphorical dance.
It goes like this:
I get my outfit on.
I put my song on.
And I start off great.
Vibing, feelin' myself like E-40 and then it slowly turns.
The emotions I'm trying to suppress come to the surface as the frustration with my inadequacy boils over.
I lose control of my movements.
My emotions cloud my brain and I become the person I do not wish for anyone to see.
I am messy, awkward, ugly even.
I am not this put together, witty, beautiful girl all the time.
And at first I was going to say "I am not this put together...that I wish I was", but that's not true. I am her. I am witty and charming and pretty but I'm just not her all the time.
And that is something I have a very hard time accepting.
Recently I lost someone in my life who meant everything to me.
The silence between us leaves so much space for my thoughts.
AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
What did I do?
What did I do wrong?
What didn't I do?
How did it go from I love you to this?
Why did I fall for this again?
It's like did you break down these walls just to see how fast they can go back up?
I was me with you, I was the person that it took a lot of courage to bring out. To believe I could be, the person who I believe I really am and want to be.
And when I showed that person to you you vanished.
And with you you took that piece of confidence I had worked so hard to get.
It's like showing your parents a drawing you did in school when you really think you suck at art but you fucking tried and they just throw it away.
My confidence is shot.
I want to destroy myself.
I want to binge and purge.
I want to drink.
I want attention.
I want anything that will fill this hole.
Because sitting with the feeling that you don't think I'm good enough makes me look at what's really the issue here, that I've never been enough for myself.
I'm really glad I found your blog.
ReplyDeleteEnglish isn't my native language, sorry if I make grammar mistakes. I'm not bulimic but I'm also struggling with an eating disorder. It's been ten years and right now I'm very exhausted. Don't know if there's a way out. I'm seeing a therapist but haven't changed much or I can't feel the positive vibes, dunno. In my country it's the middle of the night now and I'm lonely. It felt good reading your posts and knowing that I'm not alone. Thank you.
Hey, you're right you're not alone. I often write on here because it feels like no one in my life will understand so I cast a net out hoping to connect with someone somehow. I believe if you look back on what you were like and who you are now you'll see progress and change. Hold onto that, those little accomplishments lead up to the big ones. You're not as messed up as you think, you're doing better than you know <3
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