I Just Want To Belong Somewhere.

I just want to belong somewhere. I want to matter to someone.

After 30 minutes of writing about my breakup, my move, and recovery that is what broke me. I ugly cried for what felt like forever.

I feel so insanely alone. The more I go to Seattle the more I feel I don’t belong. I ignore the sinking feeling I get when I feel disconnect but it’s there. My friends are changing, the city is changing, I am changing. And then I come here, and I don’t belong either. I lost my best friend, and with him all of his friends, our places and activities are haunted with what was, and I’m left with the ghost of what I thought I had. I don’t belong anywhere. I have never felt like I’ve belonged, and this feeling is the most painful for me.

I didn’t fit in in school, I was the friend that was picked on, I was the problem (am) the problem child in the family, work, sports teams whatever, I have never had a place. And now that hole that I’ve been trying to fill all of my life is gaping. I cannot hide, or fill it, or run from it anymore. Every time I try to, every time I go back and try to force things it doesn’t feel right and it doesn’t work. The pain of trying to force something to fill it  and failing is less than accepting what I have grown up believing is true: There is something wrong with me and I will never fit in.

My friend told me today something I really didn’t want to hear but I know is true: There’s a difference between what you want and what you need. And all I can really do right now is ask for the strength to accept what I need.

When I allow myself to feel, to give into the darkness and the emptiness that lives inside me, I completely lose myself. I open my mouth as if to scream and nothing comes out. I go blind. I can’t breathe. The feelings of my past come flooding into my body but my mind is black.  I curl into a ball and gasp for air. It hurts.

And I grieve for myself. And I beg to no one and yet everyone that it can’t be true. It can’t be true that I’m so terrible, that there is something so wrong with me, that I don’t have a home. I don’t belong. But this time around it’s really hard to pick myself up and try again. That is why I am having the hardest time of letting go.

I want nothing more than to belong. I want someone to call me and ask me to hang out. I want a group that isn’t complete without me. I want to be thought of. I want a person to sit in sweats all day with me and have unawkward silence with. And someone that I can tell stupid shit to and they actually care. I want to be someone’s someone.

I just want to belong somewhere. I want to matter to someone.

I Am Homesick

As soon as I type those words my throat tightens, my nose stings and my eyes water.
I'm finally letting it out after pushing it down all day.
I woke up at 5 AM having dreams of the city in my mind. It was so real I thought I was in my old apartment. And when I realized I wasn't I woke up with fear. I closed my eyes again picturing 1st coming from Pioneer Square heading to Pike Place. I see the wet street, the buildings built with brick that I adore, I know where the streets turn into hills, I know how to best get to the water, I know that I do not know what adventure I'd find at Pike Place. I feel joy in my heart. I feel excited. I feel at home.
I then take myself to my old neighborhood. Passing those familiar strangers. The gays, the drag queens, the crazies and my friends. I smell the coffee shop next to the record store. I see Trendy Wendys and her glittering bras. I smell Dicks. The streets are buzzing and everyone has to be somewhere, do something, be someone and yet I feel comfortable with them.
I go next to my bed. I see the wide window that on looks a gorgeous tree filled with blooms. I feel my legs stretch out under the covers of my bed and my canopy whimsically, playfully hanging over me--my princess dreams come true 20 years later. My cat is at the window and the rain falls lightly.
The alarm goes off--not a real one but one just as violent and unwelcome as mine in the morning--I realize I am not home. That home will never be home again. I cannot go back there and live and have and do what I did before I left. And my God I miss it.
I have hesitated to write so openly for fear of hurting others feelings or because you will think I am not trying, that I am selfish, that I am ungrateful but what about what I feel? Not all days are as bad as this but there was a hole in my heart today, there was an emptiness that couldn't be filled.
I think of my home now, there are no busy streets. There are no familiar strangers. There are no drag queens. It is cold. It is bare. It is isolating.
I thought this move through. I weighed the pros and cons but I could not know what this move would do, or evoke or fucking be like until I did it.
I have not known loneliness like this. I have a wonderful, supportive, weirdly wonderful group of friends that feel so far away. I see their lives go on without me and yes it is 'just a bus ride away' but it feels like a universe away. I feel like I will be forgotten, I feel like my life is going away, diminsihing slowly with each passing day and I have nothing to replace it with.
And yes it is my job to build a new one here but it is hard. And I've done hard things in my life and I am not one to back down but I need an outlet.
I feel so much more alone because well physically I am. I do not have girls nights here. I do not have random coffee dates. I do not have familiar strangers. I don't know the grocery stores or how my gym is set up and I can't really tell you where I live. It is unfamiliar and it is uncomfortable.
I realized when asked "how are you?" that I jump at the opportunity to unleash all that I feel I must keep in / have to keep in as there is no one here to talk to. I see myself talking to friends back home holding back the pain I have some days and following it up with "but I'll be ok." "it just takes time." Completely under minding my feelings that are fucking valid. But I am too scared to just unleash and complain and cry and say it sucks and I don't want it to be this sucky anymore. I am afraid it will push those who are so far way from me further.
And this isnt' to say that it's all bad here because I've met some really great people that seem to like me too. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we're navigating how to live together. And I have a sick ass job.
See? I feel as though it's not ok to unleash and say what I feel for fear of being pushed away even by you 'anonymous' readers.
I guess what I'm getting at is that well yes I'm homesick. I miss my friends. I miss my city. But I'm also getting at the fact that it's fucked that in our world / in my world I don't feel like I can be this open and honest about anything for fear of being judged by others or by myself. Oh and that moving is hard. It's fucking hard and props to all of you who have done it. It's a goal of mine to continue to journal / blog so you'll see more of this and these and things. If you all have shit going on write me or journal. Just get a pen and paper and try it.

I Don't Know What To Title This

I haven't written in a while.
I have wanted to and haven't.
I've been afraid of what I would say and even worse afraid of what I couldn't say, because I don't have the words.
Having to face the fact that I don't know what I'm doing here. That I don't know what I'm feeling or how to fix it.
Well I know what I initially feel--anger.
It strikes up out of nowhere lashing out at those closest to me.
There aren't many people here that are close to me, so one person keeps taking a beating.
I stand outside myself watching it all happen. Wishing I wasn't, wishing I wouldn't.
Yet it feels so good at first, like I have power. The surge of energy engulfs me--now we're getting somewhere.
But then I slowly come down and come to and hear what I'm saying. Talking just to talk. Just to try to figure out why I started yelling in the first place.
Shame overwhelms me.
I've done it again.
I'm the problem, I'm the one who likes to fight.
What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with me. I left a full life behind for a new one but I don't know what to do with this new life. I can't even put it into words which is ironic that I'm writing. I haven't fully accepted the fact that this suburban ____ place is my home. That I am not going back. That I need to start building something for myself here.

I resent that it's all up to me to make my life a life again. I want something to come easy as I feel I've struggled so much in my life but then a mean voice comes into my head telling me I wanted this. I just didn't know it'd be like this. I can't even connect with myself or my feelings anymore. Like I said I just feel anger. I don't even know where it comes from it just is sparked by anything.

It's protecting whatever I'm feeling underneath. And I haven't let myself feel what's underneath unless it's the end of drunken night or a blow up like tonight. And when I feel I feel lost, I feel confused and I feel helpless.

I don't like feeling this way, and I'm not sure what to do. Other than to DO.

So I'm going to work on balancing my life out as mostly what I do is work and home and clean my God I clean everything. Oh and try to decide if I'm going to give into my ED or not. It's a miserable sad little life and I am none of those things.

I am the kind of person that puts themselves through treatment twice. I am the kind of person that remembers your birthday and tries to get you a thoughtful present. I am the kind of person you can count on. I am the one that will say what's on everyone else's minds but is too afraid to. I'm a self starter. I'm passionate. I'm witty. And so many other things.

But I'm not one to sit down and have life go past me.

Haha there's a little rant for you.

Sometimes I don't know why I write these and I always want a moral and have it sum up nicely but I got nothing.

I am just sick of the way my life is going and I'm going to do something about it.