Tempation

The cologne in the dimly lit room is overpowering. The decor is less than modern, wood paneling covers the walls, blue lights are set on tables, the chairs sink in with wear. The only real light comes from sky high windows in the ceiling. It sets the mood.

Everyone is in their Sunday best. Here to impress.

I shift my feet and look down at my 4 inch heels. I cross and uncross my long legs with anxiousness.

The room holds a surplus of men.

There are those who are desperate. They sit or stand. Their palms involuntarily sweat. They don't notice they've crossed their arms defensively nor that their feet are tapping to no beat as their eyes dart constantly to their competition.

Then there are those with confidence. Stiff collars, tailored suits, platinum buttons quietly say "I'm better than you." Their shoes soles are worn but the leather shines like new. They've been here before, they know the game. Their booming voices speak volumes compared to what they are actually saying.

I am attracted to one. His strong jaw and tanned tattooed skin catches my eye. His broad shoulders are complimented by his button up. My eyes trace down his body and I see he's wearing Vans. I like to think this combination tells me more about who he really is. I finally give him a smile when our eyes meet. We've been awkwardly avoiding each others' gaze since our first eye contact.

The atmosphere is tense and yet relaxed. There are old friends here. Their laughs and smirks tell me they are here just for a good time. The mix of confidence and ignorance ... good and bad ... charm and retraction amuses me.

And yet we are all here for the same reason. I too cannot stop fidgeting or my racing heart. Here in this room we all have the same desires, fears, wants, needs.

Each man approaches the woman the same. As though she controls their fate ... she holds the key to happiness. I envy her confidence and blunt conversation. Even she too makes me nervous.

The banter and small talk continues ... my time is up ... I can no longer sit wait and watch .. it's time for action.

I stand up slowly, fixing my outfit, flipping my hair trying to calm my heart beat. Oh how I wish I was better at this. I approach my target ... my mind racing ... it shouldn't be ... something like this really isn't that hard. All of my anticipation is going to be over in a matter of seconds ... words.

"What do you plead?"

"Not guilty."

With a quick exchange between the judge and my lawyer it is over. I am done.

I'll be back soon.

If it Seems too Good to be True it Probably is...N'T?

I was thinking about my lack of trust in people and the world a bit ago and I was so caught up in my thoughts that I revved up my 8 year old lap top to write about it for you.

Looking back on my cruise ship experience (PAUSE. I was working on a cruise line for the past two weeks for my first time ever. RESUME.) I am realizing how blessed I was to have the experience and yet how I could have had a much better one. I was just so DEFENSIVE the entire time.

My mother calls me that frequently. Defensive.

The staff ... literally everyone ... was so NICE. EVERYONE says hello and looks you straight in the eye when they pass you.

I was like HA! This can't be real we have to put on a show on for the passengers ... and yet way way down in A Deck where we could be ourselves everyone was still so darn NICE.

If a guy talked to me I wondered what his dirtylittlemind was thinking and how soon he'd try to get in my pants. Was he judging me? Did he think I was stupid and easy because I am blonde and new to the ship? What's his angle? WHY IS HE TALKING TO ME?!

Um HELLO he's PROBABLY TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE HE IS A FRIENDLY PERSON.
Duh.

There are quite a few Indonesians and Filipino workers on board as well and yes they did STARE blatantly and sometimes click at me or "Heyhey" me but mostly once I got past my cynical angry HEYWHYAREYOULOOKINGATMEBITCHMODEMENTALITY I realized they are frickin hilarious and incredibly hard workers and oh ya real people.

If girls were nice to me I wondered if they were being catty. Why would THEY talk to ME? I saw the dancers in their groups all fit and slim and poised ... I saw the spa girls in their perfect makeup and hair ... why would any of them bother with me?

And yet again when I got a brain in my head and some common sense came out of it (this happens infrequently) I realized they were just being friendly.

Hmm... Being nice to be nice ... to help out others ... JUST BECAUSE.

So to make sense of this ... I'm thinking that I'm Miss Nancy (Negative) because I MYSELF am the way I believe others to be. What if I'm the shallow one? ...

OR ... what if it's because I'm selfish? It's ALL about me. These people have nothing better to do than to make my life miserable and use me and make fun of me.

Right. Kris. Right.

Or most likely it's once again that SELF CONFIDENCE thing. If I had that most of the time I would see myself as worthy as deserving to receiving a smile, a compliment, an invite to go bowling, to have a drink bought for me. And yet I don't.

It's rather annoying actually because once it's in perspective like this right now while writing it's like oh duh roll with it and even pass the kindness onto someone else. But when I'm in that awkwardconfusedredfacedtonguetied moment I do not think like this and end up BEING THE ASS because I am quick to defend myself and try to let the other person know I'M NO FOOL. I'm onto their ulterior motive game.

So I'm just praying.

Praying for willingness to accept praise and kindness ... while going a step further to asking for me to do the same towards others.

I say this every morning and try to practice it through the day...

It's the Third Step Prayer from AA Book...

God, I offer myself to Thee-To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt, Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bar witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!


I figure if I read it enough and say it enough it will stick one of these days.

It's good to be home.

<3. Kris.