If it Seems too Good to be True it Probably is...N'T?

I was thinking about my lack of trust in people and the world a bit ago and I was so caught up in my thoughts that I revved up my 8 year old lap top to write about it for you.

Looking back on my cruise ship experience (PAUSE. I was working on a cruise line for the past two weeks for my first time ever. RESUME.) I am realizing how blessed I was to have the experience and yet how I could have had a much better one. I was just so DEFENSIVE the entire time.

My mother calls me that frequently. Defensive.

The staff ... literally everyone ... was so NICE. EVERYONE says hello and looks you straight in the eye when they pass you.

I was like HA! This can't be real we have to put on a show on for the passengers ... and yet way way down in A Deck where we could be ourselves everyone was still so darn NICE.

If a guy talked to me I wondered what his dirtylittlemind was thinking and how soon he'd try to get in my pants. Was he judging me? Did he think I was stupid and easy because I am blonde and new to the ship? What's his angle? WHY IS HE TALKING TO ME?!

Um HELLO he's PROBABLY TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE HE IS A FRIENDLY PERSON.
Duh.

There are quite a few Indonesians and Filipino workers on board as well and yes they did STARE blatantly and sometimes click at me or "Heyhey" me but mostly once I got past my cynical angry HEYWHYAREYOULOOKINGATMEBITCHMODEMENTALITY I realized they are frickin hilarious and incredibly hard workers and oh ya real people.

If girls were nice to me I wondered if they were being catty. Why would THEY talk to ME? I saw the dancers in their groups all fit and slim and poised ... I saw the spa girls in their perfect makeup and hair ... why would any of them bother with me?

And yet again when I got a brain in my head and some common sense came out of it (this happens infrequently) I realized they were just being friendly.

Hmm... Being nice to be nice ... to help out others ... JUST BECAUSE.

So to make sense of this ... I'm thinking that I'm Miss Nancy (Negative) because I MYSELF am the way I believe others to be. What if I'm the shallow one? ...

OR ... what if it's because I'm selfish? It's ALL about me. These people have nothing better to do than to make my life miserable and use me and make fun of me.

Right. Kris. Right.

Or most likely it's once again that SELF CONFIDENCE thing. If I had that most of the time I would see myself as worthy as deserving to receiving a smile, a compliment, an invite to go bowling, to have a drink bought for me. And yet I don't.

It's rather annoying actually because once it's in perspective like this right now while writing it's like oh duh roll with it and even pass the kindness onto someone else. But when I'm in that awkwardconfusedredfacedtonguetied moment I do not think like this and end up BEING THE ASS because I am quick to defend myself and try to let the other person know I'M NO FOOL. I'm onto their ulterior motive game.

So I'm just praying.

Praying for willingness to accept praise and kindness ... while going a step further to asking for me to do the same towards others.

I say this every morning and try to practice it through the day...

It's the Third Step Prayer from AA Book...

God, I offer myself to Thee-To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt, Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bar witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!


I figure if I read it enough and say it enough it will stick one of these days.

It's good to be home.

<3. Kris.