A Year Ago I Was...

On Monday, October 31st it will have been a year since I went to Brisbane, Australia.

(Technically this is Stradbroke Island...) (Photo credit...James Carr :) )

So many emotions come up when I think of what I'm doing now compared to what I was doing then.

Time was running out for it to be still acceptable to be unemployed after graduating that summer. I was job searching, desperate for anything that paid decently...demoralized since I wasn't able to find anything in my field of study. Thanks degree.

I ended up being a receptionist at Microsoft (for seven months).

I was working promos for Bonneville Seattle...am still there...hardly though.

Now I have a full time job, writing.

I was dating the guy who I thought was the love of my life, the one that just might be uhh THE ONE. It was love, but not that kind of love. We were doing the long distance thing, a different hemisphere long distance. I had it better than I knew, you don't know what you have until it's gone right? Yay learning experiences haha He was studying abroad in Brissy and I took the opportunity to visit him. Until I left on Halloween night, my day to day was focused on the gym, working promos, job hunting, skyping with him and writing/reading letters from him.

It was about this time I started taking my recovery seriously.

For some reason this makes me cry, yes as I type this I'm getting all flustered. It's amazing how hard this recovery is. This really is a disease, a sickness, an addiction. It's a state of mind, a BAD habit that I've been practicing for lord how many years now? 23-14 = 9. Almost 10 years.

Yes please note my birthday is January 9, I like roses and football. Thanks.

I have come so far.

I have discovered I'm angry and why.

I have found out I'm not alone in the crazy things I do to keep this disease alive.

I have people now that know what I'm going through and really understand.

I have the tools to overcome this and my God it's happening so slowly but it's happening.

I have also found God. My God. I'm not sure about religion and the bible (should that be capitalized? haha) and all that but now I know I'm not in charge. He is. When I can't handle things, when I'm lost, feel alone, disheartened there is sometimes an automatic reaction to turn to my higher power instead of abusive behaviors. It's not a habit yet, but it's getting there.

I don't know how to describe the little miracles that have happened in my life, or how I describe where my faith is coming from but I'll try.

This is lame. kind of. so laugh if you like. shoot I am...

You know that catchy song...Without You? By David Guetta and Usher (URSHER baby.). Well I don't think of a dude when I think of that (however it'd be NICE to have someone feel that way about me) I think of God.

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you

I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I

So since I began thinking of that song in terms of faith...it plays at the most epic moments. YES it's over played on the radio but it will come on my phone when it's on shuffle when I need an extra uh jolt of help?

Stuff's not so bueno right now and I was thinking when driving home this morning and BAM the song came on and I just lost it. I had goosebumps, my heart dropped, I felt like I was being held and everything would be ok. Now that I believe He is there I see Him everywhere. This is something that I am so thankful for.

Goes to show me (maybe you too) that my efforts are working and I can become a better person, with His guidance and my effort.

<3 have a SAFE Halloween.

Kris.

Punishment

Punishment. It sucks. Makes you feel small, makes you THINK ("Kristin LEIGH! go over in that corner and think about what you did wrong!" Ugh...THANKS MOM.) makes you put your doggone tail between your legs (har har get it doggone and tail because of dogs?), it makes you regret what you've done.

Ok you get it. It sucks.

I realized ... while thinking of WHO ELSE but myself and jamming around my room to Paper Diamond. <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7tsYE57UnqE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen>iframe>

... oh um sidetracked...I realized that...

I've been punishing myself most of my life. Long story short: I never liked me. Which means I didn't like my life. Which in turn means I felt that my actions were wrong, that I was committing crimes, I didn't accept myself because I wasn't good enough. AND WHAT DO BAD PEOPLE GET?

PUNISHMENT!

I would over exercise to hurt my bad body for eating too much, for not being thin enough, for having that old dude check me out in shorts.
I would overeat because I wanted to stuff my fat face with what it deserved.
I would throw it up because I wanted to hurt my body for what it had done, how dare it! How dare it eat and ruin my starvation regimen?!
I would talk down to myself because I deserved it. What a pathetic stupid self centered person I was...and I thought I deserved to have confidence? To have friends? Guys like me? A chance at a better job? Who the fuck was I kidding?
I would go for guys who didn't give me the time of day, they fed my negativity, gave me a reason to hold onto my disease. "See look, I told you, you're not hot enough, funny enough, sexy enough, charming enough for him ... he doesn't like you for a good reason ... "

As a result of this I have let the disease take over most of my life and led me to believe I don't get to go out on a "school night" I have to work out. I don't look good enough to go shopping. I can't eat that brownie...etc

I crave attention and approval from everyone and everything because it's something I wont give myself.
I'm too busy punishing me.

WELL NOT ANY DAMN MORE. It's so hard to let go, to tell that bitch in my head to shut up. But with my Higher Power's help I'm doing it.

Nothing is in my hands anymore. It's in His. I'm asking him to take over and not the disease. I'm asking for guidance, to think outside of myself, to no longer cater to this person that's resided inside me for so long.

The Serenity Prayer never gets old.

Thanks for reading, night.

Kris.