Punishment

Punishment. It sucks. Makes you feel small, makes you THINK ("Kristin LEIGH! go over in that corner and think about what you did wrong!" Ugh...THANKS MOM.) makes you put your doggone tail between your legs (har har get it doggone and tail because of dogs?), it makes you regret what you've done.

Ok you get it. It sucks.

I realized ... while thinking of WHO ELSE but myself and jamming around my room to Paper Diamond. <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7tsYE57UnqE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen>iframe>

... oh um sidetracked...I realized that...

I've been punishing myself most of my life. Long story short: I never liked me. Which means I didn't like my life. Which in turn means I felt that my actions were wrong, that I was committing crimes, I didn't accept myself because I wasn't good enough. AND WHAT DO BAD PEOPLE GET?

PUNISHMENT!

I would over exercise to hurt my bad body for eating too much, for not being thin enough, for having that old dude check me out in shorts.
I would overeat because I wanted to stuff my fat face with what it deserved.
I would throw it up because I wanted to hurt my body for what it had done, how dare it! How dare it eat and ruin my starvation regimen?!
I would talk down to myself because I deserved it. What a pathetic stupid self centered person I was...and I thought I deserved to have confidence? To have friends? Guys like me? A chance at a better job? Who the fuck was I kidding?
I would go for guys who didn't give me the time of day, they fed my negativity, gave me a reason to hold onto my disease. "See look, I told you, you're not hot enough, funny enough, sexy enough, charming enough for him ... he doesn't like you for a good reason ... "

As a result of this I have let the disease take over most of my life and led me to believe I don't get to go out on a "school night" I have to work out. I don't look good enough to go shopping. I can't eat that brownie...etc

I crave attention and approval from everyone and everything because it's something I wont give myself.
I'm too busy punishing me.

WELL NOT ANY DAMN MORE. It's so hard to let go, to tell that bitch in my head to shut up. But with my Higher Power's help I'm doing it.

Nothing is in my hands anymore. It's in His. I'm asking him to take over and not the disease. I'm asking for guidance, to think outside of myself, to no longer cater to this person that's resided inside me for so long.

The Serenity Prayer never gets old.

Thanks for reading, night.

Kris.