A Year In Review

I'm really not feeling that nostalgic so my title is a joke.

I don't really know what happened this year besides me going downhill.

Now I'm going back up.

I found out my insurance (fuckingfuckerfucks) doesn't cover inpatient so I'm doing partial hospitalization at The Emily Program.

Most likely.

Knock on wood please.

Resolutions:

-stop buying tickets to every and any EDM show.
-get a second job when out of treatment.
-get a better first job when out of treatment.
-floss daily.
-be nicer to people.
-spell check my blog.

The end.

No One Wants A 25 Year Old Bulimic

Hi candy canes.

I'm in an especially good mood because it's Christmas Eve!

And there was a rumor we'd get out at noon. But it's noon oh one and I'm still sitting here at work. So of course I blog.

Update:

I am going back to treatment.

Two Mondays ago I walked into an INTERVENTION (what I thought was a girls night) with my 4 besties and another friend who had an eating disorder.

When I saw the chairs in a circle and water bottles my heart plummeted and I was like WTF. I think I said that out loud...multiple times.

What happens next is pretty private but basically I was given an ultimatum go to INPATIENT (meaning I live there) treatment in NYC (sometimes places give people with diseases / disorders free treatment if they participate in a study) or my best friends would not be in my life anymore. AKA I wouldn't have a life anymore.

So after this I freaked the fuck out.

I was mad. I was confused. I was sad. I felt betrayed.

These were the same friends who I finally got the courage to open up to and they were telling me I was doing well. Keep it up. You're doing great!

And then this?

And by freaked the fuck out I mean that I cried every other hour at work. I wasn't hungry then I was. I was fine then I felt extremely fat. I was calm then I wanted to throw a fit. It was like eating disorder overload.

I went to bed with texts from my friends and woke up to them, got them through the day. Was ok, had I looked into treatment, had I done my labs?

I went from trying to hold my miserable life together and enjoy it so all of a sudden being told I'm going to have to leave my job, my home and my life for this "free treatment facility'' in NYC.

I mean I already get really anxious when people text call me a lot and I'm trying to work but on top of that I was having to be interviewed by NYC for the program.

Just imagine midday having to leave your desk and go talk to someone about your deepest darkest secrets. Rehashing the sexual abuse. How you starved yourself for months. How you've gained so much weight. "What did that feel like?" "And when about was this?" "What weight were you at?"

So that on top of life was more than I could handle.

I skipped work on Wednesday.
Got shit faced on Wednesday.
Skipped work on Thursday.

Oh and throw in all of my friends and I meeting with my parents about how bad the situation has gotten Thursday night.

After having my adult tantrum I started to realize I DO need help and I DO need inpatient.

Then my boss slaps me with probation for missing too many days.
Fuck.

Then that Friday after countless hours interviewing and phone tag with NYC they tell me I'm not eligible.

While I felt betrayed at first by my friends I started to realize how lucky I am not to have just one person that really cares but five! I mean my own parents couldn't even do this for me.

And while my ED told me not to tell them anything else, because they'll just crack down harder on me, I didn't listen and I opened up more.

I cannot tell you how nice it has been to not have to hide this from them anymore. They answer every time I call. They try to understand and sometimes do.

So that all was a couple of weeks ago. I have checked into other free treatment places but they are only interested in 12 - 18 year old  anorexics. No one wants a 25 year old bulimic.

That leaves me with one option in Washington state. The Center For Discovery.

Currently I'm in talks with them and my insurance. So it's a waiting game. And of course no one is answering my messages or the phone. It's the holidays.

It's a little bit hard to know that I'm going to treatment but not there yet. It makes ED say do it this one last time....you'll get fixed later...they think you need treatment well then fuck it let's prove them right.

But also it's helped. I have tried harder than ever not to binge. I have spent time doing / making things for people. Calling them more. Caring about them (instead of myself). I have gone and done things I wouldn't usually take time to do because I feel as though it's my last for a while.

(I've taken so many videos of my cat. So many.)

This brings me to now.

Yesterday I stayed home from work. I cleaned. I cooked (if making a salad is called cooking). Put pictures up on my wall. Made my brother his Christmas present. Went to the gym and actually lifted weights. I realized this is what my life could be like every day.

But it didn't come without the constant fight of telling ED no we don't have to go eat BBQ chips and a pizza. No we don't need to stay on the cardio machine another 30 minutes. NO we don't look fat in those pants.

I'm looking forward to working my ass off to get a better life. One where these thoughts aren't constantly breaking up my day.

I'm looking forward to a life where going to work won't be a struggle. And I will have enough nutrition in my body to stay focused and not forget things.

I'm looking forward to WANTING to eat which currently I don't have. It's all or nothing at the moment.

I'm looking forward to wanting to cook.

I'm looking forward to a new life. The life I was always meant to have.

Merry Krismas kids.

Krismas

I have like 5 minutes until my laptop dies.
I MUST stop forgetting my charger at work.

I have decided. To try my hardest. More than I have ever tried before. To not binge / purge all of December.

Now you'd think I would have obviously been trying so hard most of my 'recovery' life to not do this...but it was always a forever goal. Never again will I ever...

But this time it's just for Christmas.

I was talking to a friend and he asked me what do I want?

It was a very open ended question and I couldn't think of the answer.

I have not really thought about my life, or a life, or what I want because I've been so clouded with ED for so long.

All I could say was not have an eating disorder anymore.

So that's what I'm going to try to give to myself this year.

I have not had a 'normal' Christmas time since I was 14.

Now I know there'll be food. There'll be tons of booze. Indulgence galore. But I would really really love a season where I am not on a roller coaster with food, my body, my health and my eating disorder.

Last night at midnight I was just wanting to hurt myself because I felt stupid after talking to a guy, my friend was upset with me and I was alone.

So I went to binge but I saw that it was in fact December 1st and so I just said no and went to bed.

This is really all over the place but I'll write more tonight or tomorrow.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense.

Lastly, after the fiasco that was my parents' house. And a passive aggressive text from my mom today. I have decided to cut them out of my recovery life.

They will not know the bad or the good. That topic is not their business. And I think it's best that way.

I can't stand taking any more time focusing on how to try to fix my relationship with them when I have so much support here with you.

God I'm crying again.

You all mean so fucking much to me. Here's to day one!