Krismas

I have like 5 minutes until my laptop dies.
I MUST stop forgetting my charger at work.

I have decided. To try my hardest. More than I have ever tried before. To not binge / purge all of December.

Now you'd think I would have obviously been trying so hard most of my 'recovery' life to not do this...but it was always a forever goal. Never again will I ever...

But this time it's just for Christmas.

I was talking to a friend and he asked me what do I want?

It was a very open ended question and I couldn't think of the answer.

I have not really thought about my life, or a life, or what I want because I've been so clouded with ED for so long.

All I could say was not have an eating disorder anymore.

So that's what I'm going to try to give to myself this year.

I have not had a 'normal' Christmas time since I was 14.

Now I know there'll be food. There'll be tons of booze. Indulgence galore. But I would really really love a season where I am not on a roller coaster with food, my body, my health and my eating disorder.

Last night at midnight I was just wanting to hurt myself because I felt stupid after talking to a guy, my friend was upset with me and I was alone.

So I went to binge but I saw that it was in fact December 1st and so I just said no and went to bed.

This is really all over the place but I'll write more tonight or tomorrow.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense.

Lastly, after the fiasco that was my parents' house. And a passive aggressive text from my mom today. I have decided to cut them out of my recovery life.

They will not know the bad or the good. That topic is not their business. And I think it's best that way.

I can't stand taking any more time focusing on how to try to fix my relationship with them when I have so much support here with you.

God I'm crying again.

You all mean so fucking much to me. Here's to day one!