Last Night Was A Shit Show-But I Wasn't

My favorite producer is on. I've waited 4 months for this night. I've got a boss ass outfit on. I'm with some of my best friends. But I'm having a terrible fucking time.

I have been stepped on, spilled on, bumped into, pushed, and harassed for the past two hours. My body is shaking, my mind is saying escape-we are not safe. I use my manners trying to not lose my shit, "excuse me, oh sorry, can I get by?" I'm talking to everyone and yet no one. No one is present, no one has any sense of self, everyone is fucked up and for once I'm not.

I find solace in the green room where it's bright, empty, and you can only hear the bass. I'm talking to two of my friends but I'm not really present. I feel myself shaking. Why can't I calm down? I look at my phone seeing nothing. I fidget and get water. I stand up, sit down. Can't stop moving. They talk casually, calmly and my mind is blank as to any kind of response to the topic. I can't be here anymore. Even in this "peaceful" (as peaceful as a green room can be) place I'm about to explode.

My mind and body are saying get out of here. I dip out as politely as I can which turns into awkward mumbles and sarcastic comments that I don't even think made sense.

I venture back to the stage. Hoping that dancing will help. I get pushed back and forth like I'm a ping pong ball at the bar and I explode. I tear through the crowd heading for the door, I vaguely hear my friends asking what's wrong, "I can't". My anxiety raises to the surface and releases itself through my hands, I gasp for air.

This is not how tonight is supposed to go.

I post up as far away from everyone as I can. And all I can say is "I get it."

Realization waves over me, almost comforting. "I fucking get it."

THIS is why I continually get way too drunk at shows. The stimulation from the lights, the music (as much as I enjoy it), and mostly the fucking fucked up people. Girls with eyes half open, black lipstick smeared over their face that elbow me when I'm trying to get water, the guys that get in my face to tell me I'm pretty, the people that decide to rage really hard when no one has room to move. The guy that needs 3 bouncers to take him down because he's so angry about "some bitch".

This has been my first sober show in a year. I've never been shy about my substance abuse issues so you all know that this is a huge feat for me. And one that I've learned so much from.

It's sad to me that something that used to be so healing, rejuvenating, fun for me has turned into this. A place where I'm so triggered that I am in mid panic attack for hours on end. I have been going to EDM shows for 5 years now and always plan for them to be something that helps me find myself but it's mostly turned into a place where I lose myself.

I always wondered what was so wrong with me. Why, no matter how many limits I set, no matter how many goals I write, how many people I tell I need help I keep drinking too much. And now I get it. Alcohol is a"coping skill" that "works" instantly. And I need to learn another one and also probably not put myself in these situations anymore. It's kind of sad to let go of something that I thought was so good, maybe like a boyfriend you really shouldn't be with but he's what you know, how you identify yourself, how you spend your time, how you feel like you belong.

You go back to what's comfortable but this is no longer serving me. And no I'm not like swearing off shows or anything because it is my life but I definitely will have to be much more selective about which ones I go to and really think about what the environment will be like past the I love that producer that'll be a great show.

And the other half of this is my social anxiety. I don't know what to do about that yet but I know it won't get any better if I continue to self-medicate with alcohol.  Last night I finally calmed down after riding through that panic attack and maybe that's just what it'll take.. Being really fucking uncomfortable for a while knowing it will end and knowing how to take care of myself in that moment.

This post isn't really as emotional or profound as I'd like it to be, but I needed to get my thoughts out. And maybe it'll help someone else. <3 p="">