The other day I wrote in tears, demoralized and in the worst depression I've been in (which is saying something because I didn't think it could get any worse) since losing my job in November. I think the other day I got it all out of me. Now that's not to say I'm fixed, because this mental health issue is a slippery slope and I could be back there tomorrow if I delve into my ineffective behaviors (booze, food and dudes). I usually end up doing this when I am feeling happy and like I'm on my feet again, it's like oh okay I got this, I can have a drink, I can stay out until 5 am, oh a piece (or entire) of pizza is "safe". But I've been through this cycle enough over the past 6 months to finally be aware and determined enough to not go back into it.
Since my last post where I purged all day, hid from the world and drank by myself I have done little things to "not make it worse." I hold so much shame that I'm in such a dark, broke, unhealthy, lonely place in my life that I freeze. You'd think I'd want to make it better, it'd motivate me to get out of it, but if any of you know anything about depression, you know it's not like that. I literally have a fear of going outside, maybe because I have to face the world. Seemingly it's easier to stay in my room and hide until I can get better, be good enough to go out there again.
I was able to challenge that thought after the really bad day. When I purge or drink I can finally feel again, and I hadn't noticed this until recently that my depression is in a way of protecting me from feeling all of the overwhelming feels that I'm petrified of. So the other day, while really hard on my body, was the only way I knew how to cope and start feeling again. If that makes sense. THIS is why it's so important for me to get back into the DBT program I was in and seeing my therapist. However OHP is a real bitch and I'm in middle of appealing their denial for treatment.
WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT? It takes me so much effort to reach out and be like yo I can't handle my life on my own right now and I'm drowning, can you help? And I'm told I'm not messed up enough to get help.
Oh man my mind is all over. So basically I purged literally and figuratively all of the sadness and shame out the other day and woke up being like damn, I don't want to live like this anymore. So I started Whole30 (which has helped way more than I thought it would), began exercising again, and most importantly stopped hiding from the world. I'm fighting those thoughts that I'm not good enough to be in it, or be seen by people, or my friends, or future employers because I'm not yet fixed.
That thought of course goes back to childhood and society (always right?) of having to have this perfect, pretty, buttoned up life to be acceptable. Well kids I'm most certainly none of those things and the only way I'm going to get closer to happiness and stability is not by hiding, punishing myself for not being who I think I should be, feeling I need to be at a certain happiness for people to accept me, is by doing the exact opposite of what I want to do and start living again with my out of shape, sad as fuck, demoralized, imperfect, hard to handle sometimes self.
That is the longest most confusing sentence I've ever written and I'm just going to leave it.
Thanks for reading and writing me. It means more than you know.
Thursday, May 24, 2018
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
I Didn't Know I Was Lost
I feel like I start most of my posts like this, "I've been having a hard time."
I always delete it. I can't again confess to family and friends that I'm still not fixed. That I'm still struggling. By now I should have figured it out right? But when I look back on my life this past year, or fuck since I got here, it's been nothing but abusive relationships, paralyzing depression, all consuming anxiety and fucked up situations. From a boyfriend that was verbally abusive to a job that fired me because of my depression and "friends" who just think I'm some slut in the club---no wonder I've had a hard fucking time.
I know who I am, but she's lost. I miss her so much. I miss the girl that wanted to wake up in the morning, that had a reason to live (not suicidal, just really fucking down), that felt loved, that felt she mattered to someone, that she had a purpose here on this earth. I miss feeling stressed because my life is full, because I've got too much to do versus nothing.
I am at the point now where I don't leave my room for days, ashamed of what I've become. Ashamed I am this way. I see your lives on social media (which I know is slightly fucked but sometimes it takes all of me to brush my teeth and leave my bed fore 4 PM).
When I was let go of what I thought was my dream job I also lost my structure, my therapist, my DBT classes and a lot of my friends. I feel so disconnected from life, from the person I used to be. The girl at the time I thought was so gone, so depressed, so alone, so fat, so stupid ... and now I pine to be her again.
I have lost my confidence, my fitness, my money and I don't know what to do. An outside perspective could say, apply for jobs, ask for help, just call me, but when you're in this like I am, those things are fucking paralyzing.
Last night I watched Avicii's Wake Me Up. I already knew that while I first judged that song (country with EDM come on .... right?) that his lyrics spoke to something I could only feel but never express. It reminds me of when I first realized there was a better life, versus what my eating disorder could give me.
I comb through news reports of his suicide and I can't breathe. I don't know what he went through exactly but there's a connection there. A common pain that can't be shared, rather beared, together. He gave me life, but he took his, this is why I'm gettiI Ding his symbol tattooed on my wrist. To remind me of when I first felt alive, how hard that can be to find, and all of the lives you can influence while doing what makes you you.
I always delete it. I can't again confess to family and friends that I'm still not fixed. That I'm still struggling. By now I should have figured it out right? But when I look back on my life this past year, or fuck since I got here, it's been nothing but abusive relationships, paralyzing depression, all consuming anxiety and fucked up situations. From a boyfriend that was verbally abusive to a job that fired me because of my depression and "friends" who just think I'm some slut in the club---no wonder I've had a hard fucking time.
I know who I am, but she's lost. I miss her so much. I miss the girl that wanted to wake up in the morning, that had a reason to live (not suicidal, just really fucking down), that felt loved, that felt she mattered to someone, that she had a purpose here on this earth. I miss feeling stressed because my life is full, because I've got too much to do versus nothing.
I am at the point now where I don't leave my room for days, ashamed of what I've become. Ashamed I am this way. I see your lives on social media (which I know is slightly fucked but sometimes it takes all of me to brush my teeth and leave my bed fore 4 PM).
When I was let go of what I thought was my dream job I also lost my structure, my therapist, my DBT classes and a lot of my friends. I feel so disconnected from life, from the person I used to be. The girl at the time I thought was so gone, so depressed, so alone, so fat, so stupid ... and now I pine to be her again.
I have lost my confidence, my fitness, my money and I don't know what to do. An outside perspective could say, apply for jobs, ask for help, just call me, but when you're in this like I am, those things are fucking paralyzing.
Last night I watched Avicii's Wake Me Up. I already knew that while I first judged that song (country with EDM come on .... right?) that his lyrics spoke to something I could only feel but never express. It reminds me of when I first realized there was a better life, versus what my eating disorder could give me.
I comb through news reports of his suicide and I can't breathe. I don't know what he went through exactly but there's a connection there. A common pain that can't be shared, rather beared, together. He gave me life, but he took his, this is why I'm gettiI Ding his symbol tattooed on my wrist. To remind me of when I first felt alive, how hard that can be to find, and all of the lives you can influence while doing what makes you you.
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