I Didn't Know I Was Lost

I feel like I start most of my posts like this, "I've been having a hard time."

I always delete it. I can't again confess to family and friends that I'm still not fixed. That I'm still struggling. By now I should have figured it out right? But when I look back on my life this past year, or fuck since I got here, it's been nothing but abusive relationships, paralyzing depression, all consuming anxiety and fucked up situations. From a boyfriend that was verbally abusive to a job that fired me because of my depression and "friends" who just think I'm some slut in the club---no wonder I've had a hard fucking time.

I know who I am, but she's lost. I miss her so much. I miss the girl that wanted to wake up in the morning, that had a reason to live (not suicidal, just really fucking down), that felt loved, that felt she mattered to someone, that she had a purpose here on this earth. I miss feeling stressed because my life is full, because I've got too much to do versus nothing.

I am at the point now where I don't leave my room for days, ashamed of what I've become. Ashamed I am this way. I see your lives on social media (which I know is slightly fucked but sometimes it takes all of me to brush my teeth and leave my bed fore 4 PM).

When I was let go of what I thought was my dream job I also lost my structure, my therapist, my DBT classes and a lot of my friends. I feel so disconnected from life, from the person I used to be. The girl at the time I thought was so gone, so depressed, so alone, so fat, so stupid ... and now I pine to be her again.

I have lost my confidence, my fitness, my money and I don't know what to do. An outside perspective could say, apply for jobs, ask for help, just call me, but when you're in this like I am, those things are fucking paralyzing.

Last night I watched Avicii's Wake Me Up. I already knew that while I first judged that song (country with EDM come on .... right?) that his lyrics spoke to something I could only feel but never express. It reminds me of when I first realized there was a better life, versus what my eating disorder could give me.

I comb through news reports of his suicide and I can't breathe. I don't know what he went through exactly but there's a connection there. A common pain that can't be shared, rather beared, together. He gave me life, but he took his, this is why I'm gettiI Ding his symbol tattooed on my wrist. To remind me of when I first felt alive, how hard that can be to find, and all of the lives you can influence while doing what makes you you.