Looking Up

The other day I wrote in tears, demoralized and in the worst depression I've been in (which is saying something because I didn't think it could get any worse) since losing my job in November. I think the other day I got it all out of me. Now that's not to say I'm fixed, because this mental health issue is a slippery slope and I could be back there tomorrow if I delve into my ineffective behaviors (booze, food and dudes). I usually end up doing this when I am feeling happy and like I'm on my feet again, it's like oh okay I got this, I can have a drink, I can stay out until 5 am, oh a piece (or entire) of pizza is "safe". But I've been through this cycle enough over the past 6 months to finally be aware and determined enough to not go back into it.

Since my last post where I purged all day, hid from the world and drank by myself I have done little things to "not make it worse." I hold so much shame that I'm in such a dark, broke, unhealthy, lonely place in my life that I freeze. You'd think I'd want to make it better, it'd motivate me to get out of it, but if any of you know anything about depression, you know it's not like that. I literally have a fear of going outside, maybe because I have to face the world. Seemingly it's easier to stay in my room and hide until I can get better, be good enough to go out there again.

I was able to challenge that thought after the really bad day. When I purge or drink I can finally feel again, and I hadn't noticed this until recently that my depression is in a way of protecting me from feeling all of the overwhelming feels that I'm petrified of. So the other day, while really hard on my body, was the only way I knew how to cope and start feeling again. If that makes sense. THIS is why it's so important for me to get back into the DBT program I was in and seeing my therapist. However OHP is a real bitch and I'm in middle of appealing their denial for treatment.

WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT? It takes me so much effort to reach out and be like yo I can't handle my life on my own right now and I'm drowning, can you help? And I'm told I'm not messed up enough to get help.

Oh man my mind is all over. So basically I purged literally and figuratively all of the sadness and shame out the other day and woke up being like damn, I don't want to live like this anymore. So I started Whole30 (which has helped way more than I thought it would), began exercising again, and most importantly stopped hiding from the world. I'm fighting those thoughts that I'm not good enough to be in it, or be seen by people, or my friends, or future employers because I'm not yet fixed.

That thought of course goes back to childhood and society (always right?) of having to have this perfect, pretty, buttoned up life to be acceptable. Well kids I'm most certainly none of those things and the only way I'm going to get closer to happiness and stability is not by hiding, punishing myself for not being who I think I should be, feeling I need to be at a certain happiness for people to accept me, is by doing the exact opposite of what I want to do and start living again with my out of shape, sad as fuck, demoralized, imperfect, hard to handle sometimes self.

That is the longest most confusing sentence I've ever written and I'm just going to leave it.

Thanks for reading and writing me. It means more than you know.