Story Book Ending My Ass

I don't think there is such thing as a "Mister Right." At least for me. There seems to be a right now, right at the time ... dude and then he leaves ... gets uninterested or I do.

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do."

I agree with the first part but the second just pissed me right off. When you figure it out. OH OK. Let me just have all the answers. That's where He comes in. And in hindsight you understand how things work but in the moment I feel lost, stupid and stumble. Like grasping in the dark, scared of what I will touch but even more scared to not try to find the light.

I don't understand why guys do what they do. One second they are all over you texting, dates, calling you saying stupid things that make me blush and smile. Then a week later I'm second guessing myself. Why did he stop talking to me? What did I do? It's so fucking annoying. I wish I didn't care. And I've learned to not cater my actions or happiness around them. I just don't even get my hopes up anymore, as much as I can, I'm only human…or only a chick. I act like I don't care and tell myself that I'm in a relationship with myself. I am selfish. I do what I want when I want and I like it. Which is true. I'm too crazy to have anyone in my life but sometimes I just want to cuddle damnit. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and believe them. I'm not sure if it's for the reassurance or just that I've got a lot of love to give and want to make someone feel special.

So that brings me back to my intro. There are guys that make me feel that way atm, that month or two, and then they're gone. They come when I'm not looking and leave when I'm not expecting it. After seeing my parent's marriage and the way guys treat my friends sometimes, I'm just over the mind games they play or shoot that I play on myself.

Living happily ever after sounds lovely. Having someone that was meant for you and that you can't live without. I thought I had that but look at me I'm still alive and kickin' without him. So I was wrong, or had him for that 'season' if you will. I change so much that there's no way some dude can keep up with me, nor do I want to slow down / change for someone else.

And I'm ok with this. But I just had to write it out.

Let me know what you think. Fairy tales are only produced by Disney?

Kris.

Self-Love

So maybe you've caught on that I learn things slowly.

Like if I drive drunk...I'm eventually going to get caught. -- Drive hammered get nailed is not just a clever saying they thought up...it's got some weight to it.

If I text while I drive...I'm eventually going to total my pride and joy (aka Pearl, my Subaru 2003 Outback aka my freedom).

If I keep overeating and throwing up...I'm going to continue to have an eating disorder.

If I keep telling myself I'm worthless and ugly and stupid and that no one likes me...I'll continue to believe it.

But recently I learned somethings that were a little...A LOT...more positive.

If I tell myself that I deserve recovery...If I start changing my habits one meal / hour / instance / whatever at a time...I will make progress.

That's the key to change...is slow steps forward...not giving up...whatever it is you're doing...or trying to accomplish...it will only work if you work it.

So.

If I actually look in the mirror at myself and tell myself...

I'm worth recovery. I deserve a better life. I'm a beautiful person. I'm sexy. I'm smart. I'm a selfless, self respecting person.

It'll start to come true.

Have you ever tried standing naked in front of the mirror and telling yourself you're just fine the way you are? It's hard. When I've tried my throat gets dry, tongue swells up, I begin to shake and cry. All my life (most of what I can remember) I've been critiquing, analyzing, HATIN' (ha ha) on myself. I have had no other idea of what I am or who I could be because I wouldn't let myself. That was the unknown that was scary that was unimaginable.

Now that I'm not seeing myself that way. I'M SCARED SHITLESS. What if happiness is possible? Not permanent white picket fence perfection bullshit happiness but a calm, serenity, positive outlook on life? A center that I get to go back to...to live in? These are thoughts I've never allowed myself to fathom...now that I am I've gone to crazy town. It exists...I live there currently. Second guessing myself...my words...my actions...who I'm becoming without the disease. AND THE SCARIEST THING?!

IS I LIKE WHO I AM. It's wonderful. It's freeing. But it takes work.

So for today...just in this hour I've done something that makes me feel good. I've written. I've shared some bit of my recovery with whoever chooses to read this...and if not with anyone I've shared it with my God and myself.

But shootdang. I hope someone reads this.

<3