Like if I drive drunk...I'm eventually going to get caught. -- Drive hammered get nailed is not just a clever saying they thought up...it's got some weight to it.
If I text while I drive...I'm eventually going to total my pride and joy (aka Pearl, my Subaru 2003 Outback aka my freedom).
If I keep overeating and throwing up...I'm going to continue to have an eating disorder.
If I keep telling myself I'm worthless and ugly and stupid and that no one likes me...I'll continue to believe it.
But recently I learned somethings that were a little...A LOT...more positive.
If I tell myself that I deserve recovery...If I start changing my habits one meal / hour / instance / whatever at a time...I will make progress.
That's the key to change...is slow steps forward...not giving up...whatever it is you're doing...or trying to accomplish...it will only work if you work it.
So.
If I actually look in the mirror at myself and tell myself...
I'm worth recovery. I deserve a better life. I'm a beautiful person. I'm sexy. I'm smart. I'm a selfless, self respecting person.
It'll start to come true.
Have you ever tried standing naked in front of the mirror and telling yourself you're just fine the way you are? It's hard. When I've tried my throat gets dry, tongue swells up, I begin to shake and cry. All my life (most of what I can remember) I've been critiquing, analyzing, HATIN' (ha ha) on myself. I have had no other idea of what I am or who I could be because I wouldn't let myself. That was the unknown that was scary that was unimaginable.
Now that I'm not seeing myself that way. I'M SCARED SHITLESS. What if happiness is possible? Not permanent white picket fence perfection bullshit happiness but a calm, serenity, positive outlook on life? A center that I get to go back to...to live in? These are thoughts I've never allowed myself to fathom...now that I am I've gone to crazy town. It exists...I live there currently. Second guessing myself...my words...my actions...who I'm becoming without the disease. AND THE SCARIEST THING?!
Now that I'm not seeing myself that way. I'M SCARED SHITLESS. What if happiness is possible? Not permanent white picket fence perfection bullshit happiness but a calm, serenity, positive outlook on life? A center that I get to go back to...to live in? These are thoughts I've never allowed myself to fathom...now that I am I've gone to crazy town. It exists...I live there currently. Second guessing myself...my words...my actions...who I'm becoming without the disease. AND THE SCARIEST THING?!
IS I LIKE WHO I AM. It's wonderful. It's freeing. But it takes work.
So for today...just in this hour I've done something that makes me feel good. I've written. I've shared some bit of my recovery with whoever chooses to read this...and if not with anyone I've shared it with my God and myself.
But shootdang. I hope someone reads this.
<3
I hate on myself a lot, too. It's my default reaction whenever I've done something wrong, or haven't succeeded in an attempt to do something right, or even when someone else THINKS I've done something wrong, whether or not it's true. I have this unattainable expectation of personal perfection.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the only way to overcome these feelings is to change my thoughts, and the only way to do that is to change what I tell myself. Instead of saying "Idiot, idiot, idiot!" every time I mess up, I need to remind myself that God loves and accepts me unconditionally, and that He knew EXACTLY who I am when He chose to take all my guilt and shame upon Himself and pay for it with His own blood. God doesn't just tolerate me or look the other way when I'm unworthy of Him; He runs to me and embraces me and rejoices over me with singing. I might've screwed up, and I might need to suffer the consequences for it, but I'm not pond scum in God's book, which is the only book that matters. And when I tell myself that I am, God's the One I'm calling an idiot. ;-p
Ah Austin! I needed to read that. It's uh 'nice' to hear that other people feel this way not just me. "He runs to me and embraces me" really hit me. Thank you for sharing that. You are totally right. I just forget that sometimes...
ReplyDelete;-) Yeah, I know what you mean. Over the last several years as I've opened up to some people I trust about my issues, I've been hugely encouraged to learn that most people - even people I respect and admire - aren't nearly as issue-free as we all like to pretend. But the first step toward healing and growth is to admit there's a problem, which is why I think this blog of yours is so awesome.
ReplyDeleteLately there's been a kind of revival going on a my church where the leadership is recognizing that people just don't feel comfortable being honest about their struggles unless they're in a safe environment with people they can trust to not judge them or try to "fix" them unless they ask for it. We've started some "Redemption Groups" that're very specifically structured to provide that kind of environment. It's been really good.
Aw Kris. The self-loathing thing is such a lame part of life. I realize this means pretty much nothing because all that matters is the way YOU see yourself, BUT... you are one of the most beautiful and awesome people I know, even though I don't "know" you that well (though I hope to!). I love that you are beautiful AND have a kick ass personality. And if we had gone to high school together I would've been jealous of you and intimidated by you because you are so tiny and pretty, but that's actually not a good thing because it feeds into the whole female stereotype. But ANYWAY.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who is about to be dragged, kicking and screaming and a little bit wrinkly, from her twenties, I can say this: every year in your twenties is a lifetime, but it's also a long lesson in self-love. Eventually those evil self-hating thoughts really do go away, and you realize that at the end of the day you really are all you've got, so you should love yourself, bad decisions and cellulite (HA, like you have any) and all. But definitely don't drive drunk or text and drive, of course. ;)