It was only after a workout fueled by self-hate that I was able to get to a place where I could cry. One of my oldest friends texted me after reading my post and I couldn't get through the first text without crying. Good thing I was headed to therapy. His text was full of grace, compassion, understanding-three things I have realized I've not given myself.
It's no secret that negative reinforcement is shit, and will send your kids to therapy folks but it's my default method of motivation. At least it got me to go to the gym today. I showed up angry, anxious short on time because I was finishing up deadlines at my other jobs. I hated everyone on their squeaky machines, the jerk face yoga pants Facetiming her mom right next to me, and the men grunting and dropping weights.
But I did it. I finally broke my workout dry spell.
Workout:
-20 minutes HIT
-leg day
-finished with Stair Master, stretching and blow drying the sweat in my hair so I can look like a normal person (fixing my hair did not take away from my bright red face)
During my workout I thought about this post. It's funny that when I start writing again I start thinking in blog post. I zillion quotes came up from my many Pintrest excursions (Be you own best friend, sweat is fat crying, every squat counts). I processed my anger, felt more anger, was on the verge of crying at one point, thought about what I have to do, what I didn't do, people who are mean to me, people who I want to be friends with, how much I wish I had started working out earlier, that I hadn't eaten that thing, that that woman's shoes are untied, and that dude smells. I was all over the fucking map, but my God it felt good.
It was like all the feelings I'm running from my bingeing and drinking came to the surface but didn't kill me. And on top of that I got a good workout in despite the squat racks were taken for most of the time (curses). And at the end of it, I even literally looked at myself in the mirror and said "Good job dude."
That little bit of forgiveness, of grace, of recognition felt like the hope I've been missing for a long time.
Food:
I did well today with food. I did not overeat or under eat. I made a very big effort to not eat emotionally or put myself in a place to risk a binge. I snacked a bit much when I got home which I'm working on combating with a sparkling water as I've noticed that when I snack I feel overly full after eating dinner too (imagine that) and that pushes me to purge.
Accomplishments:
- Writing in here, TWICE
- Going to the gym
- Not drinking
- Not bingeing or purging
- Going to bed on time (my terrible Instagram / Pintrest before bedtime habit allowing)
- Asking for help
The amount of support, love and reminders of that support and love I've received already is overwhelming but much needed. I have not felt this alone, even when I first moved here and to be reminded that my mind can play tricks and maybe I'm not that awful or fucked up is incredibly awesome.
No comments:
Post a Comment