Day 4: Stop The Bleeding

Welp, that was a good day of sticking to my goals (Tuesday). 

You all often compliment me on my ability to be honest and this post is harder to write than the others. Shame weighs heavy on me right now and it's hard to keep my head up.

Wednesday went really fucking well. Writing in here and receiving an overwhelming amount of support from you all had me pushing myself and feeling good. 

Workout:
Warm-up 10 minutes
Arm day
Stairmaster (shit owns me) 5 minutes
Stretch

Food:
No overeating no under eating, less snacking

Booze:
...

I got home from therapy feeling good, exhausted, but good. I had planned to meet my friend and watch a show. No drinking just relaxing while I did laundry. Well those plans changed into his roommate and his girlfriend (who I'm intimidated by and don't really connect with) coming over and drinking. 

Before I left I grabbed a seltzer water to help deter my urge to drink. I stared at my laptop a couple of times wanting to open it and write in here. But I told myself that would be something to look forward to when I got home. 

Well that never happened. A night in turned into a night out and me missing work the next morning. Again. It's not that I didn't try though. I reached out for help, I kept drinking water, I set a time to go home...but when I put myself in such an environment (where I feel uncomfortable, when I'm tired, when there's booze) it's harder to succeed.

Yesterday after missing the morning I had no choice but to go into work with a headache so bad I couldn't keep food down (no this was not a hangover, I actually did well with moderation--better than normal). 

The looks I got or lack thereof from my manager coupled with short emails had me hanging my head in shame and the anxiety took over. I literally was unable to look anyone in the eye. Shaking in meetings trying to focus and not get sick. "You're going to get fired." Repeating in my head while trying to write.


I made it through the day and got work done. It's probably obvious but I did not go to the gym, I did not check in with anyone due to shame, frustration with myself.

But what I did do was not make my situation worse. 

I still can't believe I came into work with such a headache.
I didn't use my nausea as an excuse to binge (since I'd be purging anyway, yes that's a thing for me, I know it makes no sense).
I didn't use my nausea as an excuse to not eat.
I didn't use my state to go get happy hour right after work. Oh but I tried. I took the fact that no one was able to meet as a sign and to deter the impulsive urge to go continue to hurt myself. 
I ate when I got home, I got on my sweats, did some chores and went to bed.

I'm trying to calm the waves of anxiety about being fired or put on probation for missing work again. I'm trying to keep my head up (literally) instead of down. 

On my way in this morning I started to rip myself apart. Mad that my happy playlist wasn't doing shit for my mood and that my attempts at looking at the positive weren't sticking. I said to myself something along the lines of:

Today can go two ways, you can keep punishing yourself or you can give yourself grace. And if giving yourself grace doesn't want to stick you can at least be WILLING to TRY to give yourself grace. You are NOT a bad person for missing work, for messing up again. Your demons do not define you, how you deal with them does. And today dude you're going work, you're going to work hard, you're going to not hide in shame but do the things that will stop the bleeding. 

You have a choice right now, to continue the negativity, the depression, the shame which will lead to another night like Wednesday or you can believe that this was just a bump in the road and not something that derailed you.

I can't tell you guys how many times I've picked myself up and sometimes especially lately it seems pointless as I keep falling down. There's always something going on with me, always an issue, an excuse, something that causes me to spiral and I'm sick of it. However that's how it's always going to be, but the difference is how I start to handle those things that could derail me. And I believe that how I'm acting now, the mindset, and the actions I'm taking are going to get me to a place where nights like Wednesday will just be a painful memory.