FUCKINGSHITIMGOOD

Guess what.
That's rhetorical.

I just realized that I'm the happiest I've been in over a year? In fact I cannot remember being this happy-go-lucky, smile at strangers, wash my hair more than twice a week, (literally)dance like no ones watching HAPPY.

BOYA. . . boo ya? haha WHATEVER.

Yes I have an eating disorder that controls 80% of my thoughts and yes I have a pending DUI that my lawyer just informed me today I will most likely be convicted of and yes I totalled my pride and joy of a car (RIP PEARL) BUT...I am happy.

Like legit, in a really good place, fuck ya I'm good happy. And I would like to acknowledge that. I owe a lot of that happiness to everyone...BUT myself.

To those of you who read my blog and take two seconds out of your day to tell me to stay strong, that you relate to me, that you even think I'm clever (ok we won't go that far...but I'll go with funny) THANK YOU. Writing is the one thing that I can make sense of my thoughts. I can be me. I can try to figure my life out.

My friends have been my rocks, like solid steel have a force field around them kind of rocks...that are magical (for kicks). You guys let me be me and it's ok. I am uncensored and I like it. I don't feel myself over thinking things when I'm with you. You really are the light in my life and it took me a while to find people like you, and now that I have I'm not letting you go.

My family has come a long way too. From having me hide my disease to me being able to yell I WANT TO EAT THIS CAKE AND THEN THROW IT UP. Can we please put it away? And having my mom ask me how my meetings are going rather than not tell our extended family that I'm a problem child.

Also, program. Oh the 12 step nonsense that I used to make fun of in school, that sarcastic "acceptance is the first step" when mocking a friend has now become something I practice hourly. It gave me the confidence to turn my life around. It helped me find my God and know I'm not alone. I got this crazy idea that I was better than what my disease was telling me, that I can do things if I try, that I deserve more...I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

I am moving out of my house finally to a great neighborhood with friends nearby. I just got my first big girl job. And I've got a month of sobriety on the board.
Plus I have discovered that going to shows / raves are the best thing ever, they've really contributed to my sunny disposition too.

I also have a great person of the opposite sex in my life who I don't get crazygirlstupid over. Who makes my heart skip a beat, who makes me feel sexy, who makes me feel confident, who makes me feel like I'm ok being me. I don't censor myself around them. I don't hide my affection because I'm afraid of getting hurt...I let it all hang out...bad joke? Yes. And the best part is...I'm happy when I'm with them and when I'm not.

There's that word again HAPPY.

I just gripe so much and write dark depressing metaphorical things all the time so here's giving credit where credit is due.

I'm so blessed and I don't want to take it for granted.

<3 Count your blessings because if you open your eyes to them...they are out there.