Oh.Ok.God.I get it.

I wrote this on the way home today.

Really in a vulnerable state. I’ve been here countless times before grumpy because I’m tired.

Feeling fat because I decided to wear jeans today.

I wanted to eat off my meal plan but I didn’t minus a delightful cookie that I wasn’t expecting to be so lemony or delicious. (side note that my food sobriety is described as not eating off my meal plan, or red light foods (meaning ones that I binge off of no matter what) and not throwing up). 

But instead of eating more and eating off my plan I recognized an urge and called people. So that's good. Everyone always tels me to TURN IT OVER TO GOD.

IDONGETIT. HAHAHA I typed out TIT.

But really, I don’t get what turning it over means. (LIGHT BULB)

Actually maybe it’s because I don’t trust God to make it better. That just seems like nonsense that that’s all I have to do. Put it in His hands. Sure it’s nice to think that it’s that easy. But there’s got to be a catch.

Even though I want to believe in God and I see Him working in my life, I guess I still don't get it. 

I’m not sure what it’ll take but what if He gets sick of trying to prove himself and leaves me. Does it come back to the fact that I don’t think I’m good enough or that I deserve it in my life?

That’s how I lose everything.

That’s why James and I broke up (and immediately my mind goes to tack on that sentence "supposedly", because I want to believe it’s because I’m just a shit person, shit girlfriend, ugly, fat, not interesting enough, he got bored and that's why he ended it. At least that’s what my mind wants me to think) However what he said was that he got sick of trying to prove to me that he loved me.

Confidence or lack thereof effects my job too. I almost lost my position there because the old me would have given up. BUT because of program and God I said yes I can show me how...I still have my wonderful job.

SO SEE?! See Kristin. HE IS WORKING IN YOU.

But that was just once. Why is it so easy for be to believe that good things are a fluke and that the worst is the truth. Is what I deserve. So ya I almost lost my job because I was going to give up. I was going to say welp they don’t think I’m good enough, and believe them and that’s it. Once again I didn’t have to rise to a challenge where I could fail. Maybe that’s it. I’m so scared of failing that I don’t want to try.

But I get bursts of hope. Sometimes, I see that I’m witty, shit have you read my blog? I'm funny.

Sometimes I think that I’m attractive. I kind of like my eyes and curve of my lips.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I let go of my inhibitions and just tell the guy how I feel he’ll reciprocate those feelings.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I take my passion that I have for writing and filming and combine them with that degree thing I have I’ll get closer to my dream job.

I don’t want it to be just a dream, dreams aren’t real, they are things I have to escape the present. And what was I just trying to grasp yesterday? That I have now only now. If I don’t start believing in myself and my God now when will it happen? I was supposed to have gotten healthy by now, I mean I first realized that maybe I had a problem rather than a solution junior year of high school.

 But to give myself credit I’m so much farther than I’ve ever been, but this is a hard time because everything is new. I’m learning how to live life. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary.
So I had to get off the light rail so I stopped writing.

Even though I was done talking to God, He wasn't done talking to me. I had 5 FIVE CINCO more than four less than six people from program call me in less than an hour. No one ever calls me that much, not even mom. Not even on my birthday. He was showing me how loved I am. How I am on the right path and that He's there for me and working in my life always.

Because There Were Shootings Today

I will most likely wake up tomorrow morning 6:32 am (because every minute of sleep counts) in my SpongeBob boxers and oversized Husky purple sweatshirt regretting not going to bed earlier. I will fight the urge to stay in bed just a half hour more and I’ll  promise it I’ll be back for it soon.

On my walk to work I will ignore the homeless people hidden in corners of restaurants. I will look at my phone as I pass the same people I see every day in order to avoid awkward eye contact. I will curse the Light Rail for leaving without me and be annoyed that I’m sweaty walking into work because yet again planned my wardrobe incorrectly.

I will take my life for granted.

I will not see that the trees are blooming by my apartment, I will forget to be thankful that I have an Orca pass that’s paid for, I will be too busy to notice that the guy next to me in the subway let me get on before him and I’ll not say my thanks to God for giving me two working legs so I can speed walk to work and sprint through intersections.

But after the shootings that happened in Seattle today I’m reminded to do these things. I’m reminded that live is too short to worry, to hate, to focus on the negative. I can’t keep waiting for my life to start. I can’t hope that I get healthy sooner than later so my life can finally take off. I can’t keep pushing off the things I need to do to get healthy. I can’t keep being afraid to try to figure out who I am, or be afraid of what I find.

What I have is today, right now, this moment. And in this moment I am feeling so blessed to have a job, a place of my own, to be in recovery, to have the friends that I do and a family that loves me.

In program we learn that we have to stay sober for just this 24 hours. We can worry about tomorrow when it gets here. I cannot express how much this has changed my life or how fucking hard it is. After a while though I’ve gotten the hang of it. If I get a shit ton of emails at work telling me that all my events need fixing, then I have my mom blowing up my phone and a team meeting to go to, all I have to do is focus on one thing and do that. Then comes the next.

This thinking has also freed my mind. I no longer live in the past or dwell on the future. If I’m being present and focused on what I’m doing now, tomorrow’s presentation, food, plans are not torturing me. Why that guy stopped talking to me is not toying with my brain. And thoughts of how fat I feel in my new jeans don’t have room in my head.

When you live for the now and experience what’s going on around you it’s a wonderful way to live. You notice more, experience more and enjoy it more.

So tonight I called my parents to tell them I love them, even though they know.

I told the guy I like just how much he means to me, in a voicemail, he has yet to call me back. FAIL. Ah but we are not worrying about that right? HA easier said than done fa sho.

I called a good friend to let her know what a blessing she is because everyday people should be reminded of how special they are, how important and how unique God’s made them.

So tonight I’ll go to bed saying my prayers like usual and asking God to remind me every day of how lucky I am and to show me the way to live my life just for that day, because that’s all I’ve got.

I'd Like To Know Who I Am

Hey kids.
So everything's cool.
I was just kidding last night, in fact this whole blog is just a joke! I am not really crazy. I am happy as ...

I just had a God moment. That's what, in program, we refer to as an event, thought, happening that strengthens your faith in a higher power.

So, I was well, doing this-blogging. And I stopped writing (you can probably tell where but just in case I've bolded it) when I heard this come on randomly...

The beat starts and I'm in a chipper mood so you know I dance in my chair. Like a cool kid.




(You've got to get to a minute 20 ish to hear the words)


I start singing the lyrics and slowly I realized what I'm actually saying..."A little bit lost. A little bit lonely. A little bit cold here. A little bit feared."

Oh well. Um yes. That's exactly how I feel.

"But I hold on and I feel strong and I know that I can."

That's what I was going to get at in my post. I was starting out with my favorite thing to use called sarcasm as you could hopefully tell from my intro and then I was going to say I'm really just fine. Because now I am FUCKING FINE. I didn't over eat today or throw up or have a major breakdown. I'm fucking happy at the moment and I'm not sure what changed but the doom and gloom passed and I think I'm really fucking funny right now and witty and great. I was then going to go on and type out random stuff that I like about myself all the weird stuff none of you care about but that I really pride myself on...but instead...I hear...

"Getting used to it. Lit the fuse to it. Like to know who I am." THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. I'm getting used to feewings. I've started my path to recovery and I'm trying to figure out who I am without this disease.

"Been talking to myself forever." LORD KNOWS THAT'S RIGHT.

"And how I wish I knew me better." Yup, that'd make life easier wouldn't it? If I could figure this out, who I am, what I'm doing, who I want to be, so I can stop trying to force myself into a role I don't even want to be in.

"Still sitting on a shelf and never, never seen the sun shine brighter." I don't really get that part but I like sun.


"AND IT FEELS LIKE ME ON A GOOD DAY." THAT WAS GOING TO BE THE END OF MY POST. WTF. I feel like I've paid my bills on time, got asked out on a date by someone who's NOT homeless for once, maybe looked damn good at work, got some compliments, gave some out in return....like I just feel really A O K. I feel LIKE ME.

Just ruined all my chances of anyone ever wanting to date me again. I put my ugliest attributes on here. This is the anti dating site. HA anyway...

So ironically while On A Good Day is playing by Oceanlab and Above&Beyond. It starts sinking in that God is talking to me. So I get those goosebumps. I feel elated. And I start...yup you guessed it...crying. I even took this really unattractive picture of myself to prove that this just happened.



He's showing me that I'm on the right path. That He's here with me. That I'm getting it. I just feel so blessed right now I wanted to HAD TO share it with you and I hope someone reads this and gets something from it. Because well I DID!

God bless.

She's A Crazy Bitch

I'm in hysterics. I have red marks on my arms where I've torn at my skin, where I've tried to escape myself.  I can't stop clenching my jaw. My entire body is covered in goose bumps. And these heaving sobs, ugly, deep sobs compete with my breathing making me gasp for breath. I get heat waves then chills that come over me.  I'm damp with sweat.

I turn on Eyes by Kaskade. It's the only thing that calms me down. I close my eyes trying to push whatever is happening out of me. The lyrics start "You and I can paint the sky together…"

My stomach drops. Eyes still closed, tears streaming…"look into my eyes."

I see nothing behind my lids. There is no God moment. There is no relief. Only uncontrollable emotion.

I've not had this kind of breakdown since I don't know when. I've been fighting this for months now. I don't like feeling. I don't like having this much emotion all at once.

Oh lord. Now I'm laughing at the ludicrousness of it all.

WTF KRISTIN. Seriously.

They are intermittent, my laughs and cries. I've obviously calmed down enough to write. And as I do I realize I feel ok. I feel drained. I feel empty but satisfied. This is the feeling I get from throwing up. But I just got that sensation, that relief another way, by experiencing.

By being stuck with myself, inside myself, feeling the discomfort, the rage, the sadness, shame whatever it was. I just worked through it, for the first time in a long ass time.

I felt.

Sitting here in the middle of my floor, mascara streaming down my face, my arms stinging, my body defeated. I feel elated.

The beat has picked up and I'm very present in this moment. I feel the relief, the satisfaction and the joy of being alive.

What I Learned in Church Today

I have God in my corner.

This sentence is important for two reasons. One: I am not alone in life. Two: this is a fight.

To elaborate on numero uno, I feel lonely. I feel out of place. I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel unhappy. When I am in this dark place all I want to do is wrap up in what I imagine to be a big, fluffy, dark gray Snuggie and hide. I want to cuddle in it, I want to be comforted in it and I do not want to leave this place. I want nothing more than to sulk and feel sorry for myself. I want to wallow in my self pity. I want to lash out at people, especially those who are kind to me and I want to tear them down. I want to feel the power that anger gives me and I want to fuel it. And lastly, I do not want to get out of this state. It is easy to be here, it is comfortable and it feels like home.

This past week I have given up eating at night. Since I've really had clean cut abstinence (this is how I would define sobriety from my food obsession: not night eating / bingeing / throwing up) for the first time. I've not had anything to hide my feelings with. It's like I gave up cigs and am white knuckling it. Now I'm left with a bitchy attitude, a gloomy disposition and all of these feelings. I can't even tell you what I'm feeling. If someone asked me "How are you?" I couldn't answer them. I just know it's been harder to be a decent human being lately.

To elaborate on two, I can't expect to be protected from sin by sitting down. It's like putting on football pads and then thinking it won't hurt when you get hit. That's just stupid. And welp I'm pretty good at stupid. HOWEVER, I'm learning.

I always thought of praying and God as being peaceful. Church to me, until recently, was a building filled with love, stained glass, flowers, little kids in church outfits. While it is that, it's so much more. Church, faith and God are tools that I get to use everyday in my struggles to fight against sin, sadness, despair and lies.

Our sermon series is called "Storming the Castle." We've talked about being equipped with the tools to fight against evil.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the...spiritual forces of evil." Ephesians 6:10-20

You have to stand up to evil and say screw you. You can do this by being strong in who you are in Christ, this will help remove the lies that evil put in your head. Our minds are battle grounds. Here is where all of the conflict, the fighting, the torture happens. This is where the negative is magnified. This is where I spend a lot of my time. Misconstruing things. Over analysing. Making truths out of lies.

But today I was reminded that this is evil's doing. Not God's and not my own. I was reminded that He is on  my side and He wants the best for me.

There are two ways to look at things, the negative and the positive. I can dwell on the negative, I can sulk here and let my anger boil and my sadness surround me or I can say FUCK YOU and take action.

I can ask for His help and guidance. I can count my blessings. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and live the life that He has given me.

Two things that have helped me immensely lately are:

Do things you don't want to.
Like I didn't want to approach my boss about a schedule change, I didn't want to go to church this morning, I didn't want to stop eating, I didn't want to make an out reach call when I felt like throwing up. But I've done all of those things and I feel so much better after.

The other is live for this moment right now. When in church my mind was wandering, when can I eat next? I need to find a campsite for Memorial Weekend. I need to do laundry...a lot of laundry. When I am living in the future, or worrying I am missing the present. I was missing the blessing of church and God's word. Living for the now is refreshing, it's freeing and my gosh it makes life so easy.

So let go of whatever is ailing you at work. Some dude who won't call you back. Your aunt's surgery on Wednesday. Deal with it when the time comes, until then enjoy today because it is the PRESENT.

I also didn't want to journal. I wanted to watch Zoolander and curl up in my UW Snuggie. But now I feel better and am going to get to that laundry thing...

God bless

Call Me Cliche But I'm at a Crossroad

So I had more fun rearranging my room, alone, while watching How I Met Your Mother season one last night, than I did tonight on holidays of holidays, Cinco de Mayo.

Now don't get me wrong I had a good night overall. I hung out with someone I wanted to get to know better and met new people. I got to see more of my new neighborhood. BUT-to be honest- I came home disappointed. I've had this feeling lately of, oh well, maybe next time every time I've gone out since being sober.

Tonight, I picked out a flattering outfit, did ma hair and got some energy drink in my system before going out with semi high hopes. I missed going out. I missed the dancing, the flirting, the fun and excitement that I remember having when going out in the past.

But like with everything else in my life lately, it wasn't as good as I remember it.

I mean I always get dressed up and for what? To get hit on by sloppy guys, or more likely have them talk to me first so they can get to my friends.
I wore my favorite boots so I could dance but ended up utilizing them mostly to jump over splatters of puke.
I was excited to ... get rubbed up on by way too  many people?
To get bitchy looks from girls that are intimidated by my extremely good looks.

Yay?

Most of these nights are filled with questions. "What did you say?" "Where are we going next?" "Where's my drink?" "Are they hot?" "How are we getting home?" "Where are we again?" "Wait really...where's my drink...?"

And even if said questions are answered they get asked again and again.

At first I thought I was more laid back than this. I thought I was social-able enough, witty enough and cool enough to be Awesome at bars with drunks. I'm finding that after an hour into it I'm annoyed and over it.

I mean for goodness sakes I came home and BLOGGED about my FEELINGS.

WTF.

A lot of things aren't cutting it for me anymore.

Like the whole binge purge cycle. It is not what it used to be. It doesn't free me. Doesn't relieve anything. Just hurts emotionally and physically.

Trying to believe in (sigh) true love. Getting really into a guy and believing all the shit he tells me. Thinking that maybe he's different. Maybe if I just trust this one and put my all into it it'll work. And about three months into it he stops talking to me and I'm back at square one.

The only thing that shows a bit of hope in this seemingly relentless cycle is work.
Almost every job I had wasn't cutting it. I wanted to leave as soon as the bell rang. However, something has changed. Something was nagging me and telling me that it was ok to not hate my job, not want to isolate, not NOT believe in myself.

Lately I am finding myself wanting to make work enjoyable. Get to know my coworkers, get comfortable in my space, my role, who I am to the company and grow from there. I am reading books on how to do my job better and researching other outlets. I'm putting effort into the things that feel right rather than fight them. . .

And by pushing myself to go out and try to convince myself that it's fun isn't working anymore. Hurting instead of loving myself isn't working anymore.
Letting guys in, trying "just this one this one last time" isn't working anymore.

And yet, while the answer seems obvious, I feel it is complicated.

I can't NOT hang out with my friends. I mean there's only so many times I can rearrange my room.
I'm not sure how to live without my diseases.
I don't want to give up hope on true love.

WAH.

And even as I write this last call just got out and I can hear everyone in the streets. I feel so distant from them and that life but where does that leave me? I know what I know and I don't like what I know, but I can't know what I don't know.

Yaddidah?

So that's where I'm at. Stuck in a place where I know something is wrong but I'm not sure what is right.