Because There Were Shootings Today

I will most likely wake up tomorrow morning 6:32 am (because every minute of sleep counts) in my SpongeBob boxers and oversized Husky purple sweatshirt regretting not going to bed earlier. I will fight the urge to stay in bed just a half hour more and I’ll  promise it I’ll be back for it soon.

On my walk to work I will ignore the homeless people hidden in corners of restaurants. I will look at my phone as I pass the same people I see every day in order to avoid awkward eye contact. I will curse the Light Rail for leaving without me and be annoyed that I’m sweaty walking into work because yet again planned my wardrobe incorrectly.

I will take my life for granted.

I will not see that the trees are blooming by my apartment, I will forget to be thankful that I have an Orca pass that’s paid for, I will be too busy to notice that the guy next to me in the subway let me get on before him and I’ll not say my thanks to God for giving me two working legs so I can speed walk to work and sprint through intersections.

But after the shootings that happened in Seattle today I’m reminded to do these things. I’m reminded that live is too short to worry, to hate, to focus on the negative. I can’t keep waiting for my life to start. I can’t hope that I get healthy sooner than later so my life can finally take off. I can’t keep pushing off the things I need to do to get healthy. I can’t keep being afraid to try to figure out who I am, or be afraid of what I find.

What I have is today, right now, this moment. And in this moment I am feeling so blessed to have a job, a place of my own, to be in recovery, to have the friends that I do and a family that loves me.

In program we learn that we have to stay sober for just this 24 hours. We can worry about tomorrow when it gets here. I cannot express how much this has changed my life or how fucking hard it is. After a while though I’ve gotten the hang of it. If I get a shit ton of emails at work telling me that all my events need fixing, then I have my mom blowing up my phone and a team meeting to go to, all I have to do is focus on one thing and do that. Then comes the next.

This thinking has also freed my mind. I no longer live in the past or dwell on the future. If I’m being present and focused on what I’m doing now, tomorrow’s presentation, food, plans are not torturing me. Why that guy stopped talking to me is not toying with my brain. And thoughts of how fat I feel in my new jeans don’t have room in my head.

When you live for the now and experience what’s going on around you it’s a wonderful way to live. You notice more, experience more and enjoy it more.

So tonight I called my parents to tell them I love them, even though they know.

I told the guy I like just how much he means to me, in a voicemail, he has yet to call me back. FAIL. Ah but we are not worrying about that right? HA easier said than done fa sho.

I called a good friend to let her know what a blessing she is because everyday people should be reminded of how special they are, how important and how unique God’s made them.

So tonight I’ll go to bed saying my prayers like usual and asking God to remind me every day of how lucky I am and to show me the way to live my life just for that day, because that’s all I’ve got.