Oh.Ok.God.I get it.

I wrote this on the way home today.

Really in a vulnerable state. I’ve been here countless times before grumpy because I’m tired.

Feeling fat because I decided to wear jeans today.

I wanted to eat off my meal plan but I didn’t minus a delightful cookie that I wasn’t expecting to be so lemony or delicious. (side note that my food sobriety is described as not eating off my meal plan, or red light foods (meaning ones that I binge off of no matter what) and not throwing up). 

But instead of eating more and eating off my plan I recognized an urge and called people. So that's good. Everyone always tels me to TURN IT OVER TO GOD.

IDONGETIT. HAHAHA I typed out TIT.

But really, I don’t get what turning it over means. (LIGHT BULB)

Actually maybe it’s because I don’t trust God to make it better. That just seems like nonsense that that’s all I have to do. Put it in His hands. Sure it’s nice to think that it’s that easy. But there’s got to be a catch.

Even though I want to believe in God and I see Him working in my life, I guess I still don't get it. 

I’m not sure what it’ll take but what if He gets sick of trying to prove himself and leaves me. Does it come back to the fact that I don’t think I’m good enough or that I deserve it in my life?

That’s how I lose everything.

That’s why James and I broke up (and immediately my mind goes to tack on that sentence "supposedly", because I want to believe it’s because I’m just a shit person, shit girlfriend, ugly, fat, not interesting enough, he got bored and that's why he ended it. At least that’s what my mind wants me to think) However what he said was that he got sick of trying to prove to me that he loved me.

Confidence or lack thereof effects my job too. I almost lost my position there because the old me would have given up. BUT because of program and God I said yes I can show me how...I still have my wonderful job.

SO SEE?! See Kristin. HE IS WORKING IN YOU.

But that was just once. Why is it so easy for be to believe that good things are a fluke and that the worst is the truth. Is what I deserve. So ya I almost lost my job because I was going to give up. I was going to say welp they don’t think I’m good enough, and believe them and that’s it. Once again I didn’t have to rise to a challenge where I could fail. Maybe that’s it. I’m so scared of failing that I don’t want to try.

But I get bursts of hope. Sometimes, I see that I’m witty, shit have you read my blog? I'm funny.

Sometimes I think that I’m attractive. I kind of like my eyes and curve of my lips.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I let go of my inhibitions and just tell the guy how I feel he’ll reciprocate those feelings.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I take my passion that I have for writing and filming and combine them with that degree thing I have I’ll get closer to my dream job.

I don’t want it to be just a dream, dreams aren’t real, they are things I have to escape the present. And what was I just trying to grasp yesterday? That I have now only now. If I don’t start believing in myself and my God now when will it happen? I was supposed to have gotten healthy by now, I mean I first realized that maybe I had a problem rather than a solution junior year of high school.

 But to give myself credit I’m so much farther than I’ve ever been, but this is a hard time because everything is new. I’m learning how to live life. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary.
So I had to get off the light rail so I stopped writing.

Even though I was done talking to God, He wasn't done talking to me. I had 5 FIVE CINCO more than four less than six people from program call me in less than an hour. No one ever calls me that much, not even mom. Not even on my birthday. He was showing me how loved I am. How I am on the right path and that He's there for me and working in my life always.