She's A Crazy Bitch

I'm in hysterics. I have red marks on my arms where I've torn at my skin, where I've tried to escape myself.  I can't stop clenching my jaw. My entire body is covered in goose bumps. And these heaving sobs, ugly, deep sobs compete with my breathing making me gasp for breath. I get heat waves then chills that come over me.  I'm damp with sweat.

I turn on Eyes by Kaskade. It's the only thing that calms me down. I close my eyes trying to push whatever is happening out of me. The lyrics start "You and I can paint the sky together…"

My stomach drops. Eyes still closed, tears streaming…"look into my eyes."

I see nothing behind my lids. There is no God moment. There is no relief. Only uncontrollable emotion.

I've not had this kind of breakdown since I don't know when. I've been fighting this for months now. I don't like feeling. I don't like having this much emotion all at once.

Oh lord. Now I'm laughing at the ludicrousness of it all.

WTF KRISTIN. Seriously.

They are intermittent, my laughs and cries. I've obviously calmed down enough to write. And as I do I realize I feel ok. I feel drained. I feel empty but satisfied. This is the feeling I get from throwing up. But I just got that sensation, that relief another way, by experiencing.

By being stuck with myself, inside myself, feeling the discomfort, the rage, the sadness, shame whatever it was. I just worked through it, for the first time in a long ass time.

I felt.

Sitting here in the middle of my floor, mascara streaming down my face, my arms stinging, my body defeated. I feel elated.

The beat has picked up and I'm very present in this moment. I feel the relief, the satisfaction and the joy of being alive.