I'd Like To Know Who I Am

Hey kids.
So everything's cool.
I was just kidding last night, in fact this whole blog is just a joke! I am not really crazy. I am happy as ...

I just had a God moment. That's what, in program, we refer to as an event, thought, happening that strengthens your faith in a higher power.

So, I was well, doing this-blogging. And I stopped writing (you can probably tell where but just in case I've bolded it) when I heard this come on randomly...

The beat starts and I'm in a chipper mood so you know I dance in my chair. Like a cool kid.




(You've got to get to a minute 20 ish to hear the words)


I start singing the lyrics and slowly I realized what I'm actually saying..."A little bit lost. A little bit lonely. A little bit cold here. A little bit feared."

Oh well. Um yes. That's exactly how I feel.

"But I hold on and I feel strong and I know that I can."

That's what I was going to get at in my post. I was starting out with my favorite thing to use called sarcasm as you could hopefully tell from my intro and then I was going to say I'm really just fine. Because now I am FUCKING FINE. I didn't over eat today or throw up or have a major breakdown. I'm fucking happy at the moment and I'm not sure what changed but the doom and gloom passed and I think I'm really fucking funny right now and witty and great. I was then going to go on and type out random stuff that I like about myself all the weird stuff none of you care about but that I really pride myself on...but instead...I hear...

"Getting used to it. Lit the fuse to it. Like to know who I am." THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. I'm getting used to feewings. I've started my path to recovery and I'm trying to figure out who I am without this disease.

"Been talking to myself forever." LORD KNOWS THAT'S RIGHT.

"And how I wish I knew me better." Yup, that'd make life easier wouldn't it? If I could figure this out, who I am, what I'm doing, who I want to be, so I can stop trying to force myself into a role I don't even want to be in.

"Still sitting on a shelf and never, never seen the sun shine brighter." I don't really get that part but I like sun.


"AND IT FEELS LIKE ME ON A GOOD DAY." THAT WAS GOING TO BE THE END OF MY POST. WTF. I feel like I've paid my bills on time, got asked out on a date by someone who's NOT homeless for once, maybe looked damn good at work, got some compliments, gave some out in return....like I just feel really A O K. I feel LIKE ME.

Just ruined all my chances of anyone ever wanting to date me again. I put my ugliest attributes on here. This is the anti dating site. HA anyway...

So ironically while On A Good Day is playing by Oceanlab and Above&Beyond. It starts sinking in that God is talking to me. So I get those goosebumps. I feel elated. And I start...yup you guessed it...crying. I even took this really unattractive picture of myself to prove that this just happened.



He's showing me that I'm on the right path. That He's here with me. That I'm getting it. I just feel so blessed right now I wanted to HAD TO share it with you and I hope someone reads this and gets something from it. Because well I DID!

God bless.