Back at Square One

For the past five months, 13 days and some odd hours I made the concious decision to not drink.

About 31 hours ago, I changed my mind.

The beer, liquor, drugs and temptations in the form of tall, dark, handsome and muscular surrounded me at Paradiso. The sun was shining, everyone was partying and I wanted a beer-bad. Not like I needed it to have fun, because we know my party pants are always on, but for some reason I just wanted to drink. I wanted to be drunk and "get weird." (as everyone was saying...NEVER heard that until yesterday).

And well. Shit got weird.

I was good at first and could barely finish my first two brewskis because I was nursing them-"I remember my first beer." I was enjoying them and the little buzz I had. I was golden.

But then I hit that point. And we all know what I'm saying. The one where stopping doesn't enter your mind, but more booze does, and fuck ya it's a great idea.

So I drank. I got uh weird. I was running around, being social, saying whatever the hell I wanted to because I am not familiar with what a filter is when I'm drinking and having a grand ol' time.

I danced my face off, like I would have sober. I made out with dudes, like I would have if I wasn't so shy sober haha And was friendly as all get out, like I am sober. Only thing different is I am 99% sure my speech was 1. slurred more than normal 2. I was louder than normal 3. I fell over more than normal.

I don't regret it. Since I started to see alcohol as something that caused more harm than good in my life I've only drank twice. TWICE since December 9th. That's awesome coming from a girl who would drink Wed-Sunday funday for like 4 years in college. 

But I also don't  regret it because it taught me some things, made me think.

I don't have the urge to drink again. And it's not like the "ugh I am so hung over I'm never drinking again" - fast forward 12 hours later and you've got a beer in hand not drinking again. What I mean is I don't need it. 

I don't need the remorse in the morning.
I don't need the panic of not being able to find my phone, ID, cash or dignity.

I don't need the I just want to sleep but can't because I feel nauseous.

I don't need to have to ask, shit how many did I actually have? What was that dude's name? Where did I go? Why did I send those texts?

I don't need alcohol to have fun.
Last night was a blast and I wouldn't change a thing, but it just doesn't do it for me anymore. I used to drink to be ok with myself, to get out of my shell, to not feel left out and well now that I'm getting to know who I am, be ok with who I am it just doesn't have a purpose anymore.

I'd rather spend my calories on a DQ Oreo Blizzard thank you.

So alcohol, we had a good ride, it was fun but I just think we are headed in different directions. We want different things. I mean you're great, it's not you, it's me. 

Or well to be honest-I deserve better.