First Day Back Tougher Than I Thought

Today was harder than I wanted it to be.

I felt small.
My hands were sweaty.
I was shaky.
I talked too much. I talked too little.
I felt invalidated.
My manager has no idea how hard I've worked, what it's like, who I am now.
She has seen the PTO run out. The attendance record.
She sees a need for copy to be written and a copy writer.
Produce.

No wait. Maybe it wasn't that bad.
I received smiles.
Hugs.
Emails.
Maybe they care.
Maybe they do see me.

I look out at everyone writing.
The room is silent.
They have no idea how much is going on inside of me.
They are just here again on a Monday.
Reading articles.
Writing emails.
Going about their day.
Some have no idea who I am.
I am so small. Insignificant.
I do not matter.
I am back to where I was four months ago.
It's so easy to slip.

My heads spinning.
Clothes. Adjectives. Write. Better. Faster.
This sucks.
Just do it.
I can't.
Calm down.
Write.
I can't.
What's happening.
Breathe.
Write.
Fail.
Frustration.
Anxiety.
This used to be so easy. I have 50 more to go. One hour left. No hours left. Overtime. No pay. No break. No mercy. No one sees me. No one knows the struggle. I have no voice. I can't leave because I will fail. I need a break. No breaks because I won't finish. Get me out of here.

An hour after I'm supposed to I leave. Satisfied with my work.
Confused as to where those 7 hours went.
I walk in the sunshine. Free. But trapped.
My mind is back at my desk.
How was that so hard?
What is the truth?
I feel like I can't see or think straight. What really happened in there?

I get to treatment.
I can breathe.
I see my friends. My family.
I feel so at home here.
I am myself here.
I am comfortable.
I can eat, I have a voice here, I have a presence.

People actually ask me how I am and CARE about the answer.

I eat I laugh I feel.

I find my bestie. I run up to her. Five days feels like forever. I hug her and I cry.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing I just have a lot of emotion."

It's just that simple. Today was a lot. I'm not giving myself any fucking credit.

It scared me how quickly I saw myself slipping. The anxiety the anger the anorexia.

I can't not this time. I don't think there's another chance here.

But it's all in how I look at it. Last night I learned that I would be taken care of by a higher power. And  I need to believe in that now. I got through today and I will get through tomorrow and one day I will not just get through but I will live.