Looking Back Helps Me Move Forward

A year ago I wrote this.

And a couple days later I went to Lucky 2013 and looked like this...

I look happy, pretty and fine but this night I was full of anger and anxiety. I was mean to my boyfriend and I had a terrible time at what should have been a great experience.

St. Patrick's Day has become a time of reflection for me because that was the first time (and only time) that I have spent a night in jail. That--for whatever reason--inspired a blog post and has a significant spot in my memory.

Long of the short--or whatever--I was on a commitment for my negligent driving charge March 2012. The night I was released I went to Lucky. I was anorexic, borderline alcoholic, depressed, angry and confused. I did not see those things at the time. Looking back I am sad for me, I hurt for me.

This last year, from reading my post above (SO weird reading old posts. It hurts my heart. I can be brought right back into that moment, that pain so quickly) I was still depressed, disordered, a drunk but trying so hard with the odds against me.

And here I am today. Almost exactly a year later.
And I'm in tears.

They are happy tears. Today I know I am not perfect, I am not cured, but I am no longer confused. I am no longer depressed. I am no longer lost. I have found hope, I have found life, I have found recovery. I am not underweight and I actually like my body now.

It is so nice, no it's fucking amazing to be here two long ass fucking years later and see my progress. To see how much I've fought fallen, struggled, gained and give myself credit for where I'm at now.

Thank you to all of those who haven't given up on me and wouldn't let me give up on myself.

I cannot wait to see what the next year holds.