Mute.

I'm losing myself.
I'm in a dark place.
And I'm working so hard to try and get out of this depression that seems to have blanketed me but I feel suffocated.
I'm tired of struggling.
I don't want to give up but I want peace.
The light seems so far away.
The hope.
Recovery.
Where did that bright light go?
Where did I go?
I'm back in the very place that sent me backward.
I thought I had my footing and I've fallen.
I'm on my knees.
I feel the gravel under my palms.
On my knee caps.
My head hangs low.
Breathing in and out.
The weight is too heavy to lift my head.
Every time I try to ask for help the words sound shallow, soft, stupid.
I swallow them.
I drink them down.
I sink lower.
Who am I?
Where do I go from here?
How do I get up?
I feel so alone.
Such a burden.
My thoughts swirl.
I see everyone in their lives.
Their world.
What I am who I am is so small.
Burden.
Just stay quiet.
Shame.
So much shame.
I'm ashamed to post this.
I'm so grateful I have this outlet but it's so cowardly.
I keep calling people and deleting voice mails.
I type texts and delete them.
I speak words and change the subject.
Those closest to me barely know.
It's taking everything in me to not delete what I'm writing now.
I cannot explain what this suffocating feeling is.
Like it's physically dragging me down.
Gagging me.
Stealing my words.
My breath.
Where did I go?

Lights-No This Is NOT About Ellie Goulding.

I cannot stop listening to this song.
Felix Cartel-New Scene CRNKN Remix
Listen to it meow. While reading this. Listen to it loud. And shut your eyes and just let yourself be.
Take a minute for you where nothing else matters but you and this and this moment.
When is the last time you reallly did that? Just took a second?
Ok but don't think about that just do this. Please.

Oh then read my stuff.

Floating out of control

A quiet suffering

Pretty pretenses

Light show

Beauty

Enveloped

Goosebumps

Pump

Close my eyes

Transform

Fantasy world

Effortless

Whole

My hands are up and I’m throwing myself at the beat

Get this anger out

It is wrong

It is bad

It is scary

Power

Calm melodies

Hands paint the air with grace

Eye to eye

Shallow breath

All I wanted was more

Distance

Move effortlessly, simultaneously

Nothing calculated, authentic

Rhythm pumps through my chest

Through my arms

I reach for more

Can’t stop me

Don’t you dare stop me

I’m alive

So much in me

My fantasy is a reality

Living

Addict

The beat can’t get too loud

The bass can’t bump harder

Turn it up turn it up

Push this out

Make me feel

Erupt, I was freedom

Just feel, just fucking feel

High, I don’t want to stop

Eyes close

My protector, the light bounces

Singular bright white

Up down up down

Side to side

Then it goes and goes

My hands follow it

Twisting turning side to side around my curves

My legs follow

I’m stomping pulsing

More lights ignite

I have power

No longer am I victim

My energies are around me

Grace enters my movements

No thoughts just go

Feeling so outside myself and yet at home

Present real in the moment

And yet I’m imagining this all behind closed eyes

At a coffee shop

Inside my headphones

Jaw clenched

Eyes wet

Heart whole

Slice

Energy surges through my heart
Slicing it open
My stomach fills with fear
I'm bare
Air dances in my rib cage
Fear of the possibility of failure
Fear of the possibility of success
Dare I look down
Dare I face it
Face me
This naked vulnerable small scared
Blink open
I see my heart working
Surreal it's happening right now life
I'm so aware
Heart beats my faith has no choice but to leap
No
I want to close off
Put myself back together
But the air is refreshing
I can breathe
Is this what living feels like?

Work Was Better: No April Fools

I'm really hungry and want to eat my snack.
I just got home.
I'm really exhausted.
Two more days of nonstop then I get a break.

Work was way more chill today--ahem I was way more chill today.
I finished on time with a bit extra to audit my writing.
To chat with people.
To eat lunch.
To be my recovery self.
To decorate my space.

I figured out that I wasn't receiving any emails.
So that's why I felt like no one cared...I couldn't see anything anyone was sending.
Doh.

My coworker but mostly friend asked me how my day yesterday was, that meant so much that she would even think to ask and care about the answer. She then lent her support.

I walked around in the sunshine by the water before treatment.
Saw a car covered in post it notes.
But mostly in GAP whose clothes fit me better than anyones.
I got some spandex pants---er leggings..why didn't I just say leggings? that will be grand for football season. BOOM.

Was on time for treatment.
I got the best cat picture from my friend which as I'm typing this I realize I left in the kitchen damn it.

Dinner was hard. I could hear the girls in PHP and I could hear eating disorders and I could  hear things that annoyed me. I tried focusing on my new table my new support but they were so loud at the other table. I worked through it but it wasn't as smooth as I'd have liked. Progress not perfection.

I did however find out how epic a pulled pork sandwich is. YES.

I wish I had more time for me right now.
I feel rushed to relax.
I am mad that I don't have more than a half hour or so until I have to try to go to bed.
To do this over again.
And yet I must reframe.
I am happy. In this moment. No in this person that I am. In my life. I am happy.

I am doing it. I am slowly messily but surely meshing recovery with the real world and figuring out what on earth life is and can look like.