Unwanted Memories.

I am relieved I am home.
I want to curl up in a ball, cuddle with my cat, reflect on the night.
I was brave tonight. I didn't leave when my support system did.
I stayed and tried to make small talk and friends.
I drank more to feel comfortable.
I wasn't out of control.
I saw the kid that was so nerdy and so 'in love' with me and then I was embarrassed to talk to him. I was no longer the girl from HS. I was fat. I had no status. I was just me.
I made new friends and one of them drove me home.
I felt safe. I think he wanted more at the end. I didn't.

Now I'm stripping down. Getting ready for bed. Much needed sleep. So much for that workout in the morning.

And all I can think of is him.

He touched what wasn't his.
He ruined something pure.
I hate him.

I can barely move fast enough to pull on my top as though I'd be seen by him but it's impossible.

Still my mind wanders.

What if he walked in?

As my top is off and my breasts are free. What would he do.

I feel this overpowering urge to hit something. To fight back. To protect myself.

There's nothing that I need protecting from.

It's all in my head.

I live in this fear, this constant nightmare of being seen, being used, being innocent.

I wish it never happened.

I wish I knew what intimacy was and how to show love.

I watch movies and tv and get confused as to what is sexy. What is desirable. What do I want...what do they want?

I'm more fucked up than I thought.

Shouldn't love be simple?

One body moves with the other. You don't think you just feel.

Sexual Tension.

We're on the carpet.

The window shines the morning light on your face.

You roll over, turning your back to it's offensive demeanor.

With the movement your tee inches up to reveal the definition in your back.

My eyes can't help but notice your shoulder's muscular curve.

I want to trace them with my fingers then grab a hold.

My stomach drops and my heart races. 

What would you do if I crawled over to you.

Laid behind you.

If I got close enough to brush your hair with my cheek.

If I breathed behind the spot where your skin is sensitive from lack of touch.

Could I give you goosebumps with my lips while I pull your hair gently.

Would you turn over and grab onto my curves with desire. 

Pull me closer causing me to lift my leg over yours.

How long could I last in this tension that's as intimate as sex before giving in to your parted lips.

Would I close my eyes or keep them open to watch your reaction.

Could I keep from smiling out of the embarrassing intensity of it all.

Would you say anything. 

No.

I would say something stupid.

We'd laugh.

I'd feel my nerves fall away and a flush of excitement come over me. 

A physical craving that shuts off my inhibitions.

So I just move. 

I just do.

Treatment Day 37 : Tougher Than It Seems

Ah it's already Sunday. Where did my weekend go?

I love the feeling of Sundays though, they are calm and peaceful. It's a day that I use to relax yet be productive.

If I had cable I'd just have football on all day and clean.

Guess I'll just have to clean without the football.

But before I can get my rubber gloves on, there are things on my mind and I'd like to get them off (that's what she said). One of my therapists said (ha yes I have multiple) to check in with myself this weekend. So this is me, checking in.

Breakfast was harder today. It seemed like too much food and I wanted to eat veggies instead of my extra dairy and protein. I could lie, they'd never know. - That's Ed talking not me. I realized this and plated my breakfast as I should and ate it all, I'm really full now. 

The fullness makes me think about working out and how uncomfortably full I am which then triggers a tape in my head. The tape just reminds me that I'm going to get bigger if I keep eating like this, it's a constant fear that was subconscious until treatment started. However, again, that's Ed talking not me. I realized I cannot try to beat the system, or lie, it's only hurting myself. Like if I lie about how much I'm working out so they'll lower my meal plan that just means I am not getting what I need. Like I used to go for 55 minutes of cardio during a workout. It wasn't fun and I had to force myself to do it. In a recovery mindset now I only want to do like 30 / 35 minutes. So if I do what I want and I start gaining weight they will bump my meal plan down. It's really hard to trust them with that though. But I have to stick with what I want to do, not Ed. So if I want to eat a normal breakfast and not workout at all then so be it. It doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me fat.

My thoughts don't control my life, I do.

A lot was brought up last night too. I went out on ze town.

The first thing that was difficult was getting ready. I didn't like anything I put on. But--and this is the cool part kids--I stopped myself and asked "why are you so concerned with how you look?"

The answer was so I'll get attention from guys. My mind was wondering-what will they think is sexy? What will make them want to talk to me. But then I realized that that's not why I was going out.  I was going out to celebrate a friend's birthday. So therefore I should wear something that is A. warm and B. that makes me happy. I got dressed in two seconds after that.

Lastly, and this is a bit awkward to write but basically, I was making out with this guy last night.

Woo.

During it flashes of my experiences with guys came flooding back and I realized how much work I need to do in this uh... realm. 

There was no pressure to go further than what we were doing. I am not like that thank you. But still my mind was racing-"what does he want?" "is he happy with just kissing?" "Yikes where is his hand going?" (Just brushing my hair out of my eyes) I was on the defensive. Seeing this in a recovery mindset shows that I have a flight tendency when it comes to guys. I don't understand what is "normal" sexually and I don't understand where and how my body plays into it. My mind goes back and forth between run, stay, make him happy, oh that's nice, run, stay...

So that's where I'm at. I'm lucky to have my treatment team to talk to about this tomorrow.

For the rest of today I'm going to clean up the pile of clothes that is my carpet, go to the gym and lift some weights :), make lunch, run errands and last but not least go to a Sounders game! (and not drink :) )

God bless, thanks for reading!