This morning I was pondering why (after countless mornings filled with regret and remorse) I drank again last night. I mean I didn't get wasted, held my own, but I came home and ate and ate and then threw up. Again.
However, I realized why I keep doing this. I am not taking any credit for my issues/disease/faults etc. I'm not owning up to the fact that
I am an alcoholic and that I have an eating disorder. I like blaming my actions
on these things but not owning up to them. That's why I keep drinking and overeating, because I let myself. Now while
it's an addiction it doesn't mean I don't have choices to not partake in them and I've been choosing
to let them have their way with me, when it wants aka when I want. I use it as an excuse. It's
very hard to put into words what I'm trying to say...
While I didn't ask
to have this disease it's not like there's nothing I can't do to help it. It's
like finding out you have an allergy to your favorite comfort food and you keep
eating it anyway. It's not your fault you have this allergy but it's your fault
that you keep eating it expecting not to get sick. This may be obvious to
everyone else but mind you I'm slow at this really important life stuff. I've
let the disease win over. Honestly I've been saying I'll go to treatment ya but until then I'll let
it walk all over me so I can keep doing what I want and not have to have the
consequences because it's not my fault I have these issues problems fucking stupid things I have to deal with.
I can't make promises but I hope that realizing this makes
me take responsibility for what I have and in turn the actions to get better. Not when
it's convenient but right meow.
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