Talking to Myself

I'll admit, I'm quite the bully.

There's this girl that's so fucking lame that I can't help but manipulate her, torture her.

I call her fat. I tell her she's not worth it. I scoff at her attempts to be pretty. I tell her that she's boring.   I show her why no one cares about her. I prove her worst fears to be reality. I point out her failures and magnify her faults. I compare her to everyone to prove my points.

It makes me feel strong. I like putting her in her place and keeping her there.

But lately she's been pushing back. Her attempts are weak. She feels safe after a couple of successes but all I have to do is throw her back down. Half the time she does it on her own out of habit. 

She keeps getting the notion that she will get better. She keeps getting back up after I've defeated her again. She gets this crazy thought in her head that God's walking with her, beside her, behind her. She sometimes listens to him and, well truth be told, she makes headway when she does that. But she hasn't figured out how to incorporate him in every aspect of her life, as I said, she does my job mostly out of habit. It's sad really, she's so pitiful. I wonder when everyone will give up on her like she basically has. When she's this feeble she makes me less entertained as well, so I get angry and take it out on her.

I make her hurt herself relentlessly until exhaustion. I make her feel shame. I make her not trust anyone. I make her isolate.

I believe she's taking notice to these habits lately, and wants to stop but it's like grasping sand when you're this far down. Pointless.

This is how I feel. I have such highs and such lows and I'm exhausted. I wake up every morning rejuvenated more determined than ever just to fail 12 hours later that night.

For some reason though, people haven't given up on me. People are not sick of my addiction and my habits. I cannot tell you why or what I did to deserve such a support group but the shame I feel for messing up constantly is starting to take over my will to get better. I can't bring myself to say it out loud that I drank and overate again throwing up late into the night, but I can write it here for all to see.

Go figure. I don't make much sense in most of my actions so why start now?

But. Some things I've learned is that God has his plan. He is in control. I have to be willing to listen to him and do his will not mine. I'm much happier when I do what is right and what is healthy, but other than the fact that I'm an addict, I can't tell you why I don't always make those choices.

I feel out of control. My actions are affecting my work. My actions are making me gain weight and work out less. My actions are not of my choice but of my disease’s. I have no control over anything. I’m scared.

After last night, when I binged hard and sober, I realized that I'm much sicker than I thought. That I need help sooner than I thought. I was contemplating taking a less severe treatment route. I proved to myself that that's not an option last night.

Thank you to everyone who texts me randomly, call me, sends me messages and prays for me. I need them and will one day return the favor.

Love,

Kris