Treatment Day 4: Tough But Good

Don't want to write.

I feel like I have so much to do that I don't want to take the time to do this and I resent it.

I think that'll change by the end of this post.

I am beginning to resent treatment-just a litttttttttttle bit. Not like last time. I know it's where I need to be and want to be and take advantage of my time there BUT...it's like I get home at 8 PM and I am so tired I don't want to do anything. 

Our brains are working so hard it's exhausting. You won't understand unless you've been in my spot but think of it like how tired you were after the SATs.

I feel really disconnected from my friends. I'm usually gone on weekends and no one can meet at 8 for happy hour.

I miss them. 

It makes me feel lonley. I can't summarize what's happening in a text but I know I need to talk to them about treatment etc And actually more importantly I need to stay connected with them. I never want to have to play catch up with my bests. I need to remember what the outside world is like, I need them to laugh with, to be myself with--not treatment me--but me me. 

So today was tough. 

But today was the kind of tough that I really learned from. Not pushing me too far.

My anxiety is paralyzing to me. I get so caught up with what I have to do, what I didn't do, what I should have done that it makes me mean and lash out--therefore causing guilt--therefore causing anxiety--and repeat.

I went into my therapy appointment joking and being sarcastic as always and moments later I'm pissed. I don't know what triggered me but I was mad--pretty much my default emotion--and then I lashed out at the therapist.

Then I felt stupid for being mean to this woman who's only trying to help.

So I put up my wall. Started cracking jokes.

Tried to move on.

She wouldn't let me.

She called me on my shit.

Something like "you have the tendency to not want to feel and when you do you immediately suppress it. Therefore pushing it down further making you more anxious, more irritable, more likely to get more angry the next time..."

OH.

Oh my God--she's right!

Classic therapy case but I never saw it until today.

So she asked me what would it be like to feel? And I said I don't fucking know. And she said it was ok that in this space and in this moment I can just let go. So I did.

I cried but I was laughing while crying because I felt so ridiculous.

The words started coming it was the thoughts I'd always had, the concerns, the anger, the vulnerability, the joy--all of it.

It felt so good.

So now I'm a crier folks.

I cried five times today. Mostly of joy and feeling blessed that I am in treatment and I'm really fucking doing it this time.

Oh and we ate burgers and apple pie then had to get weighed. NOT COOL. But they let me listen to my music for a bit to calm down. I actually would have had a much harder time doing this in the past (like crying, bingeing, not being able to sit down, pacing...etc) but I honestly forgot about it happening until right now.

I am learning to speak up in group. I mean if everyone wants to sit there in silence that's great for them but I'm going to get my money's worth.

I am pushing myself with food. Trying a new one every meal. Pushing against my food habits and disorders. 

I am reaching out to the girls in treatment.

I'm journaling now!

I'm really trying guys and it's hard but I know it's worth it.

Treatment Day 3: The Terrible Three's

Man. I am a meany.

I just sent two of my best friends like a three page text about why to not ask me about treatment.

"How's treatment?"

The thoughts, feelings came hard and fast. Uncontrollably
My initial reaction is to throw it back in their faces.
How the fuck am I supposed to summarize treatment. In a word? In a text?

I mean it's like someone asking you about a vacation...so much happened, so many emotions, activities, feelings, experiences...how do you honestly answer that question?

I'm not sure why I get so mad and so defensive so fast.
I mean these are my best friends, or people that truly care how it's going.
I'm lucky to have them I don't want to push them away.

"It's mostly positive right?" Well no. It's not. This is the hardest shit I've ever done.

I like to compartmentalize things. This is what I'm feeling, put it in a box, put it away.
But I don't know what the fuck I'm feeling so I can't put it in a box, it's not going away.

I guess some of me just doesn't want to think about it all again.
I guess some of me just resents that I have to do this still.
I spend 7 hours in there, please just let me have some peace outside of it.

I mean today the morning was great. I was on high. Such a high I almost cried of joy (yea wtf). Then came our outing to Tutu Bella.

We went and got pizza and then had to have dessert. Then sit in a car on the way home in awkward silence as every girl is in their heads. Then sit and do a stupid fucking art project that I didn't want to do and then BAM there's dinner in my face and then oh yes let's do yoga in jeans in a small ass room so I'm uncomfortable and crammed and full.

GREAT. Just fucking great.
So that my friends is how treatment was today.

Meh. Not that's not accurate.
There was the part when I reached out to a girl who was struggling and we were buddies for the meal.
There was the part when I ate the pizza and I enjoyed it (but man it was hard to fight Ed constantly, he was saying don't do this. You have to workout later. You're going to get so fat if you keep this not caring about what you eat shit up....) And then dessert on top of an already super hard meal. Sitting next to girls that are struggling too. Their anxieties catching like fire. And ED still saying this is bad. This is so bad. And me going but I liked it. A constant battle.

My anxiety is felt so strongly in my body. My heart races. I clench my jaw. My hands sweat. My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at once.

Then there was dinner where the dietitian next to me was leaning into my space and just chomping her food. GET OUT OF MY FACE I yelled in my head but then I heard my actual voice go you're really triggering me. We worked through it.

I hate typing this out because most of  you don't have EDs and don't understand why something like that would be so damn hard. So then there's a shame that comes with it.

Which makes me more mad.

I guess there's just a lot I had to push today. A lot I had to deal with. A lot I had to do. And then to have people ask me how is it? Reminds me that it's not that fucking great right now. And I feel so much pressure to get better since everyone knows I am in here.

But it's a blessing that you know because I then have so much support.

I guess it's the hard days like these that show what I'm made of and I did it all. It wasn't pretty. I wasn't very nice. But I got through it.

Treatment Day 2: Today I...

Today I...

helped create and then ate from an ice cream bar.

found out my sensitivity to noises (chewing, smacking, people talking loudly at the gym...) might be biological, linked to my depression and PTSD. And can be lessened through medicine.

had a therapy session WHILE EATING.

was told by my therapist that I am one of the most motivated clients she's EVER had.

spoke up for myself

fought the mean thoughts

tried to be more outgoing

had my friend join me for family group and really got to open up to her about what's going on and what it's really like to have an ED.

felt like recovery is really possible.

Remedy.

It starts in my chest and breathes.
Finger tips grace my skin outward from my heart.
The sensation rolls over my shoulders and down my back.
Hug me closer.

Your hand slowly wraps around my neck and caresses my head.
Grips my hair.

You tug and my eyes are directed at you.
I grab your shoulders for support.

We're closer now.
The build up.
The bass.
The drop.

I can't look away.
I'm yours.

It all hits at once.
I'm no longer in control.

My lips part and we touch.
It's unknown territory.
I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
I'm excited.

We flow.
The music goes and there's nothing left to think about.

Your hands. My hands.
Your hips. My hips.

We're one.
Experiencing this high together.

We're alone but together with everyone.

I turn towards you.
I grab your face in my hands.

We kiss.
It's not enough.

I feel you. All of you in my embrace.

I'm so present. So alive.

My Year In Review

Facebook has been full of updated statuses to summarize 2013.

Mostly from what I can tell...

1. People lost weight.
2. Got married.
3. Had kids.
4. Got promoted.

So naturally I compare every one's successes to my own--or lack thereof. 

1. I gained weight.
2. I broke up with my long-time boyfriend.
3. Thank God I did not have any children.
4. I'm currently on probation at work.

I unknowingly slipped into a depression and a relapse.

Cheers?

But the more I thought about it I realized my year can't be summarized in words, numbers or events. Right now it's just too complicated for that.

As I look back on my 2013 I see struggle but I see success. 

1. For whatever reason I no longer hate my body. I cannot tell you what it's like to finally have boobs after never having them (I've always been too underweight). Call me a late bloomer. 

And while I'm still very scared of gaining weight, I don't really have the anxious drive to lose any. No day is perfect but I'm not constantly pinching, sucking in, analysing myself in the mirror.

2. I can eat most foods. I used to have very strict food rules. Nothing EVER has been full-fat since I was 14. Carbs? No thank you. My parents weren't allowed to have anything in the house that wasn't green or lean for over 12 years. If I didn't workout I didn't deserve to eat. 

While it's still a struggle to eat a full or normal meal I can eat pretty much whatever is in the house or on the menu.

3. I have begun to be able to break some of my disordered rules and regulations. I used to have to workout everyday. I could only eat salad for every meal (yes even breakfast). I would have to go on two long walks at work. I would have to throw up any meal that wasn't a salad. I had to walk the stairs while waiting for the bus. Etc.

While I'm not free from these thoughts I LOVE eating breakfast. If I'm swamped at work I take a shorter walk. I no longer embarrass myself by walking up and down the stairs while waiting for the bus. 

4. I can accept compliments. I got very good at making jokes off of whatever you guys would say to me. Or making up reasons why on earth you'd say those nice things to me (you feel sorry for the eating disorder girl). I couldn't look you in the eye if you called me pretty. I would immediately change the subject. Etc. 

But now when I hear something nice I take it in and I try to believe you--most of the time I do. 

5. Lastly, I've started to learn that life is about being happy. It's meant to be enjoyed. As I've let go of the rules and the thoughts have subsided I have more time to do what I want to do. 

I have to be careful with that happy thing because I am very big on instant gratification. I feel shy? Drink. I feel fat? Workout. I can't sit with myself? Binge. I am depressed? Stay home. So it's more of the what will I be grateful for tomorrow? What in the long run will truly make me as a person and my life fuller?

So I go on walks and take pictures. I take the time to make dinner. I watch Netflix instead of exercise. I show up to work. I write in here.

I hope that this helps you look at your past year and realize that maybe while you aren't being promoted, getting skinnier or having children (GAH) that that doesn't mean we aren't headed in the right direction. 

And any accomplishment, no matter how small is something to be celebrated.

Cheers guys happy 2014!