My Year In Review

Facebook has been full of updated statuses to summarize 2013.

Mostly from what I can tell...

1. People lost weight.
2. Got married.
3. Had kids.
4. Got promoted.

So naturally I compare every one's successes to my own--or lack thereof. 

1. I gained weight.
2. I broke up with my long-time boyfriend.
3. Thank God I did not have any children.
4. I'm currently on probation at work.

I unknowingly slipped into a depression and a relapse.

Cheers?

But the more I thought about it I realized my year can't be summarized in words, numbers or events. Right now it's just too complicated for that.

As I look back on my 2013 I see struggle but I see success. 

1. For whatever reason I no longer hate my body. I cannot tell you what it's like to finally have boobs after never having them (I've always been too underweight). Call me a late bloomer. 

And while I'm still very scared of gaining weight, I don't really have the anxious drive to lose any. No day is perfect but I'm not constantly pinching, sucking in, analysing myself in the mirror.

2. I can eat most foods. I used to have very strict food rules. Nothing EVER has been full-fat since I was 14. Carbs? No thank you. My parents weren't allowed to have anything in the house that wasn't green or lean for over 12 years. If I didn't workout I didn't deserve to eat. 

While it's still a struggle to eat a full or normal meal I can eat pretty much whatever is in the house or on the menu.

3. I have begun to be able to break some of my disordered rules and regulations. I used to have to workout everyday. I could only eat salad for every meal (yes even breakfast). I would have to go on two long walks at work. I would have to throw up any meal that wasn't a salad. I had to walk the stairs while waiting for the bus. Etc.

While I'm not free from these thoughts I LOVE eating breakfast. If I'm swamped at work I take a shorter walk. I no longer embarrass myself by walking up and down the stairs while waiting for the bus. 

4. I can accept compliments. I got very good at making jokes off of whatever you guys would say to me. Or making up reasons why on earth you'd say those nice things to me (you feel sorry for the eating disorder girl). I couldn't look you in the eye if you called me pretty. I would immediately change the subject. Etc. 

But now when I hear something nice I take it in and I try to believe you--most of the time I do. 

5. Lastly, I've started to learn that life is about being happy. It's meant to be enjoyed. As I've let go of the rules and the thoughts have subsided I have more time to do what I want to do. 

I have to be careful with that happy thing because I am very big on instant gratification. I feel shy? Drink. I feel fat? Workout. I can't sit with myself? Binge. I am depressed? Stay home. So it's more of the what will I be grateful for tomorrow? What in the long run will truly make me as a person and my life fuller?

So I go on walks and take pictures. I take the time to make dinner. I watch Netflix instead of exercise. I show up to work. I write in here.

I hope that this helps you look at your past year and realize that maybe while you aren't being promoted, getting skinnier or having children (GAH) that that doesn't mean we aren't headed in the right direction. 

And any accomplishment, no matter how small is something to be celebrated.

Cheers guys happy 2014!