Treatment Day 4: Tough But Good

Don't want to write.

I feel like I have so much to do that I don't want to take the time to do this and I resent it.

I think that'll change by the end of this post.

I am beginning to resent treatment-just a litttttttttttle bit. Not like last time. I know it's where I need to be and want to be and take advantage of my time there BUT...it's like I get home at 8 PM and I am so tired I don't want to do anything. 

Our brains are working so hard it's exhausting. You won't understand unless you've been in my spot but think of it like how tired you were after the SATs.

I feel really disconnected from my friends. I'm usually gone on weekends and no one can meet at 8 for happy hour.

I miss them. 

It makes me feel lonley. I can't summarize what's happening in a text but I know I need to talk to them about treatment etc And actually more importantly I need to stay connected with them. I never want to have to play catch up with my bests. I need to remember what the outside world is like, I need them to laugh with, to be myself with--not treatment me--but me me. 

So today was tough. 

But today was the kind of tough that I really learned from. Not pushing me too far.

My anxiety is paralyzing to me. I get so caught up with what I have to do, what I didn't do, what I should have done that it makes me mean and lash out--therefore causing guilt--therefore causing anxiety--and repeat.

I went into my therapy appointment joking and being sarcastic as always and moments later I'm pissed. I don't know what triggered me but I was mad--pretty much my default emotion--and then I lashed out at the therapist.

Then I felt stupid for being mean to this woman who's only trying to help.

So I put up my wall. Started cracking jokes.

Tried to move on.

She wouldn't let me.

She called me on my shit.

Something like "you have the tendency to not want to feel and when you do you immediately suppress it. Therefore pushing it down further making you more anxious, more irritable, more likely to get more angry the next time..."

OH.

Oh my God--she's right!

Classic therapy case but I never saw it until today.

So she asked me what would it be like to feel? And I said I don't fucking know. And she said it was ok that in this space and in this moment I can just let go. So I did.

I cried but I was laughing while crying because I felt so ridiculous.

The words started coming it was the thoughts I'd always had, the concerns, the anger, the vulnerability, the joy--all of it.

It felt so good.

So now I'm a crier folks.

I cried five times today. Mostly of joy and feeling blessed that I am in treatment and I'm really fucking doing it this time.

Oh and we ate burgers and apple pie then had to get weighed. NOT COOL. But they let me listen to my music for a bit to calm down. I actually would have had a much harder time doing this in the past (like crying, bingeing, not being able to sit down, pacing...etc) but I honestly forgot about it happening until right now.

I am learning to speak up in group. I mean if everyone wants to sit there in silence that's great for them but I'm going to get my money's worth.

I am pushing myself with food. Trying a new one every meal. Pushing against my food habits and disorders. 

I am reaching out to the girls in treatment.

I'm journaling now!

I'm really trying guys and it's hard but I know it's worth it.