Treatment : Day THREEEEEE FOR ME

I don't know why I put the 'three for me' other than that's what I automatically say because of Kings.
Hmm look what I learned in high school.

So I'm chipper today. Well compared to the past two days that is.

So today at "work" I:

Had a fit on my way to the bus, missed the bus, was sweating and didn't want to take my coat off because I just KNEW EVERYONE was looking at me. Calling me fat. Because I am.

I got to "work" and this girl was chewing gum. Which A. we are not allowed to do and B. is fucking annoying because she was smacking her lips. I couldn't control my rage so I sat outside the door reading an inspirational book but not really I was just cursing her out. I didn't have the guts to bring it up to her in person so I tattled. HA!

Then it was breakfast time. That was ok. Minus that my swiss cheese looked like straight up FAT. ugh.

Then I had individual counseling ... THANK GOD. I got everything out from how I'm ashamed to be a bulimic in front of all these anorexics so now my anorexic mindset is kicking in. How I hate not being able to stand or walk. How I don't know what I'm feeling which makes me more pissed off. And about how I'm actually happy I'm there. For the first time I'm slightly open to the food as a good thing rather than a way to hurt myself or the enemy.

Then I went to art class! Yes, yes it is like an old people's home. I did a collage and it's awesome. It's of a rainbow and a bed. Totes artistic.

I had squash soup with chicken and carrots and orange and cheese stick for lunch ALL ORANGE FOOD. I spilled half of the soup on myself because I'm really classy so I had to eat Wheat Things to make up for it.

Then some other shit happened that I don't really remember. Took a personality test asking me just how much I hated myself basically. I think I passed that fucker.

We did a work group on how to deal with those feeewlings I have. I kind of listened.

And yea. Dinner happened. Salmon. Brussel sprouts. And pesto with noodles (whch I never eat. I made the mistake of checking the carb count at the grocery store. Now I'm rather mad I ate that much.)

Then we did some other shit and left.

I bussed it home. went to the gym in downtown Seattle which is awesome because it was empty, has BRAVO and E! and it's right next to my bus stop!

Now I'm home. I am supposed to eat a fruit and a protein. I'm going to eat green beans instead.

Progress not perfection.

Oh and you're supposed to not have electronics on 30 minutes or so before you sleep. Too bad I'm facebooking, doing this, on my phone and dubstepping it haha

you all are just ruining my sleep habits ;)

Good night. God bless - Kris

Treatment: Day Dos

We are mad and we don't know why which makes us more mad.
We have a headache because our body isn't used to eating normally.
We are exhausted because we just got home and left 12 hours ago.
We are upset because there's no where to hide all our weird habits and our intense feelings anymore. Everyone in treatment knows what we are going through because they feel the same exact way which is both fucking annoying to be analyzed and so comforting to not have to explain ourselves.
We ate beans, full fat cheese and a shit ton of carbs that we wish we hadn't but we did because supposedly we are brave.
We met out counselor today and felt stupid for not knowing how to put everything into words. We also had a fight with one of the counselors because she wouldn't let me sit in a certain position and because she wouldn't let us say we felt fat and hate food. They are taking all the fun out of it.
We are eating our night snack (which is ordered) and we don't want to and we are going to bed without working out and we feel worthless and fat.

We're going to watch Elf, because Christmas makes us happy.

Love,

Kris and her eating disorder

PS I'm thankful you're reading this and for your support.

Treatment: Day Uno

I don't want to write because I don't want to think about today.

I can't even organize my thoughts other than:

I hate treatment.
The girls are amazing.
And I'm not giving up because I know this is what's best for me in the long run.

They made us eat FRIED FISH AND FRENCH FRIES FOR DINNER. What.The.Fuck.
Supposedly no food is a 'bad food,' but there are 'fear foods.' And fried anything is something that scares the fuck out of me. But instead of turning the table over Real Housewives of NJ style, I asked to talk to a therapist.

I proceeded to tell her that they were bat shit crazy if they think they can surprise me with fried food and make me eat it on my first day. I am being as brave as I can but really?

Then I went on talking saying that I know what they are doing is probably good for me because they are like professionals, but I don't see it. I wanted her to know that I'm trusting them with my life and that they better not fuck up.

They control my calorie intake (I can't see how much is in what I'm eating) and that gives me so much anxiety. AND they control when I pee. AND I can't stand-only sit. AND we only get two breaks. AND I can't go on walks.

But anyway...I decided that eating the fried shit is good for me. People do it all the time-I usually just eat about 12 servings of it and puke it up. Grand. So this time I ate it (it was cold because it took me a while to muster up teh courage to do it) and it was gross and I could feel my jean size sky rocketing but I did it and even had the balls to put ketchup on the fries (usually scared of extra calories) so I could ENJOY my food.

And I fucking ate that fried fish. And booya!

I came home and worked out moderately and ate my stupid night snack even though I didn't want to.

I'm doing all of this because of you guys. And I'm for serious. Seeing how many people give a rat's ass about me (where on earth did that saying come from ? ) is amazing and if I can't do it for me now I'm going to do it for you and then I'll catch on.

Love, God bless,

Kris