I Need Some Help.

Hey guys. I haven't been writing because I was slowly going downhill and then I tripped and went down fast.

I guess it started with skimping on program, making excuses to not show up to things, being afraid to leave the house and believing the best use of my time was to constantly binge and purge. Even at work.

I've lost control of my behaviors once again and see my life falling apart.

I can fake it for a while that I'm ok and that's when I avoid food altogether. Yesterday I thought I was getting on track but then I realized that I was just not eating all day only to come home and give in. Or I'll be normal and social for a couple of hours only to have my mind race about what I can eat next and when I can go back to "that place."

I hate myself for bingeing and I binge because I hate myself.

It's getting incredibly hard to get out of bed in the morning because I just don't give a fuck. It's easier to stay in it and avoid everything. Avoid my thoughts. My urges. My friends. Family. Job. Responsibilities. FUN.

But then when my job is threatened and I really must go and I do get out of bed I see how much my life is affected by bulimia.

I plan things and miss out on them.
I waste so much money on food.
I waste money on not going to things I bought tickets for.
I let people down that I say I'll show up for.
I'm constantly late to everything.

And the shame of being where I'm at now is so bad that it has taken me a month to tell you all the truth.

I'm bingeing at least twice a day and hard. My throat is raw. I'm swollen. I'm tired. And I'm depressed.

I woke up to a text that said "Today is the day of complete recovery! You are made new each day. Praying for a healthy and happy day! You were made for more Kris."

"Made for more" resonated with me and hit a nerve. I am made for more. My life is not about trying to live this double life of self hate and loathing and shame and then being happy go lucky me.

So I've taken initiative to try somethings to get me out of this:

-I'm texting my lead a picture of my desk when I arrive on time every morning
-I'm going to write in this daily
-I'm going to eat a cookie a week (I never let myself have treats unless I throw them up)
-I'm going to check in with people at dinner
-I'm going to go to as many aa and treatment things as I can

I have lost my footing and my hope and my common sense. I don't know what way is up or how to have the energy to climb but I know that when I show some willingness amazing things will happen.

Thanks for your support and for reading.

Let's Get Sexual.

I've been waiting for you.

The anticipation is killing me.

This excitement only comes with the unknown.

My heart skips a beat. My head races.

Then I see you.

My stomach drops.

You start off slow. Tease me.

With the lightness of a breath you trace up my spine.

My body is alive with anticipation.

My breath quickens.

I let out a yell.

I can't help myself. 

I want you. All of you.

You've enveloped my senses.

I don't know where I am.

What have you done.

Don't stop.

You bite at my ears.

Play with my hair.

I stretch my body to the sky.

Vulnerable.

It's just us.

Just do it. 

Make me lose control.

And with one movement. In one second. 

You have all of me. I'm yours.

Pulse push twist turn. 

Grab me. Hold me.

Make me work.

Push me harder. Pump it faster.

Excitement shakes through my body.

Here it comes.

Lift me up. Get me high.

Sweat drips. Hearts race.

I pulse to your pace.

I'm yours if you just take it-take it all away.

You see me at my worst and bring out my best.

You make me feel alive. Transformed

Take me away from who I am. Where I am. What I am.

Make the impossible possible.

There's nothing other than this moment.

And this is all I need.

Exhausted you slow.

I've never felt more alive. Calm, serene yet awake—aware.

Present.

You are my hope. 

My ease. Happiness. 

Maybe everything will be ok.

Maybe life is this simple.

EDM you are everything. 

So I was trying to be dirty and make you think I was talking about ChaCha and I and well that's just none of yo bizznass. But I wrote this to apply to how EDM makes me feel time and time again. Nothing but my higher power who I call God and electronic dance music get me as elated as they do.

So screw you bulimia and alcoholism. I just need to hear the bass drop.

Life Is Good. Except When It's Not.

I binged and purged last night until late.
I woke up this morning with the worst "hangover."
I couldn't move or get out of bed until noon.
I missed work-again.
I didn't even try to eat normally when I finally got out of bed.
The sun is shining.
It's a gorgeous day.
And I want to hide.

I want to stay in my room and not face the shame and hate I have for myself.
I think about how I could just get out and go for a walk but that's too scary for me.
It seems impossible to get to treatment today.

I don't want to think about how huge I am and how bad I've let myself go. Or think about what I just ate and how much more weight I'll gain.
But then again I just say fuck it and fuck you Kris. You did this to yourself so just keep going.

I don't want to feel anything. I want to zone out. I want to act like this will go away. Like I can do this just one more day and I'll deal with it tomorrow.

I want to keep acting like I don't have a life to live. Like I can keep putting it on hold. Like I'll wake up fixed tomorrow. That this is all a bad dream. That one day I'll wake up and I'll be someone else.
I don't want to think about how I can only shop at one store because they are the only ones who make clothes big enough for me.

I don't want to think about how pretty my friends are. How wonderful they are. How successful. How I am pathetic in their comparison.

I don't want to be present and in the reality of my depression and the way I'm steering my life.

I don't want to be responsible for my actions.

I don't want to go to treatment and see the girls that can't eat. The girls I'm twice the size of.
The girls who secretly are happy they are not me. That they do not look like me. I was them once.

And honestly I do not want to eat anything ever again. I do not want to throw up. But I do not want to go do anything else.

I feel like I'm living a double life and I'm being crushed by the two. It's so confusing when one second I'm happy and fine and the next I'm choking over the toilet.

Not doing these things seems so scary, so unroutine, and yet when I do not do them it feels so free.
I have these thoughts in my head like rapid fire. You're fat. Do this. Don't do that. Why can't you be better? Why can't you try harder? Why dont' you just stop? You're disgusting.

They feel like me, they are me, but supposedly they are the disorder but it feels so real and like exactly what I think.

I have been in this limbo place for a long time, of knowing what to do, what not to do but doing something else. And I feel like I'm going to break. And I'm scared as to how far down I'll go.

But then again there is so much good in my life. ChaCha. My friends. I'm finding a new place to live with a roomate and maybe even a CAT! I have wonderful jobs. A family who I have a better relationship than ever. I've found a great support system for all my addictions.

Life is good. Except when it's not.

I Need Attention.

You know when you were little (or ahem just out of college without a job) and cleaned your room without being asked?
And the first thing you wanted to do was show your mom how awesome you were?

Or when you go out of your way to help out a stranger and you just feel grand about yourself and you want to tell someone so they can say good job but you don't want to tell anyone because then it takes away from the fact that you did a good thing for 'no reason'?

Well I'm telling you. I'm telling all of you because I want praise! I want to brag! I want you to give me the credit I deserve for being a normal, decent human.

So here goes:

My goodness starts yesterday after leaving The Moore Center (for eating disorders). I hopped on my bike feeling hopeful and raced to catch the bus back home.

We were neck and neck as it was stuck in traffic and I tried my darnedest (? I have never tried spelling that out) to get up that hill without passing out or missing it.

I made it. But only because I pulled this ballsy move of coming up on the left side and then IN FRONT of the bus to show her I was there. I drove across the crosswalk so I thought I was legit. Um no turns out I AM AN IDIOT.

She gave me a lecture and looked at me with complete disgust. I was a dog with my tail between my legs. Once again I deserved the name "Stupid Biker."

On the bus ride I was sitting next to an elderly Indian man who had on a purple scarf. He kept interrupting my raging Excision playlist to ask me questions. I was annoyed at first but then began to calm down. Turns out he had a really good sense of humor and a wonderful accent. I helped him get where he needed to go.

I got off the bus next and the bus driver honked at me to come see her even AFTER I'd left the bus. Oh lord...what did I do now? She then proceeded to apologize for being so short with me. Then somehow I had the guts to thank her for doing so, saying if she hadn't had gotten so mad I don't think it would have stuck in my head that that's just not something you do.

I went and had a kick ass workout and even SMILED at those bitches...ahem...girls that strut...ahem...walk around the gym with their boobs hanging...ahem...their confidence for all to see. Half of them smiled back and I think the others were taken aback by my confidence.

Dinner date happened. I was finally totally honest with how I felt about my and ChaCha's relationship and it turns out I'm just paranoid, insecure, crazy oh and a total girl. Everything's good.

But still, I had under eaten at dinner out of nerves and was planning a binge in my head the whole time. I got home and started. Fighting all the way-do I really want to do this?-I have to stop this sometime-I will next time-THIS IS NEXT TIME-But I want to-etc.

Then I remembered that every time I put on music especially EDM I get happier immediately. I always WANT to remember to put it on when I want to binge and purge but I forget. But this time I did it. And as



played the urge, the anxiety, the overpowering feeling to binge went away. I cleaned up my room. Read some stuff. Opened mail. And felt free.

I woke up today feeling happy. But moments later I got on my bike and my shorts were tight and then my world went to shit again. Fuck I'm fat. That's right. That's why I hate everything.

But I did my best all day to fight those thoughts. I ate on my meal plan, I got coffee w/o sugar free vanilla. I ate that free sample at Macrina.

I got a call from my dear friend who is a recovered anorexic and is always such a joy to talk to. She reminds me of what matters in life of my faith of well life beyond this!

My spirits were lifted.

I then proceeded to do selfless things like buy my coworker a pastry for his birthday.
Offer to buy tickets for a friend for a show.
Not be a complete bitch to idiotic people.

Then it was time to head home. Off I went into rush hour.

No less than 5 minutes in I get cut off by a taxi and almost crash. I fall off my bike. Instantly I'm shaking uncontrollably. I tried getting back on and end up losing balance and almost run into the back of another car. Then I do it again. I finally get off and call a friend.

"It's adrenaline," she says. "Just walk."

So I do. And I reach out to people who make me feel good and I don't sit with the hate I have or the shame. I move forward.

What I'm getting at is that I get really stuck in these depressing moods. Like if I was in one now I'd tell myself to go fuck myself and that I'm a fucking pussy and I'm just making fluffy ass excuses for why I'm fat.

But I'm not in that mood so there.

I'm seeing that in order to have a different life I have to think differently. Do differently. It's insanity to keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. And people I am insane when it comes to my bulimia.

Oh and the last thing I did that was good is I'm making cinnamon rolls for my coworkers for tomorrow and homemade frosting and usually I would have eaten them all by now and to tell you the truth I still want to eat them all but instead I'm writing. And I sent Chacha texts of everything so he'll know what's up if I don't answer.

Anyway over all I'm doing alright. And I'm really thankful for that.

A Year Ago Today

You know when just a little something, an image, a place, a smell, an outfit whips your mind back to another time? This weekend that's happened to me so many times. It was a year ago during Capitol Hill Block Party that I started diligently digging towards my bottom that had me admitting I needed to go to a treatment facility for my alcoholism and bulimia.

I was binge drinking and eating nonstop. I was out of control and it was a rush. After years of controlling my food, my exercise, my money, my life I was screaming fuck you to the rules I had created. I couldn't believe the terrible things I was doing to myself and that I could still keep going. How much further could I go? How many more times could I make myself throw up? How early could I start drinking. What combinations could I do? How flirtatious could I be? How much attention could I get? How much money could I blow on booze, food, people?

I wrote this a year ago:

"My knees hurt from the tile. My left hand clasps the porcelain, while my right has teeth marks on it. My heart races.
Just keep going. You did this to yourself. The cake I ate ten minutes ago fills the toilet while relief fills my head.

I finish, brush my teeth and stop to look at myself in the mirror. I've popped blood vessels in my face, they look like freckles. My mascara is running down my face. I leave the bathroom in disgust.

I try to write.

I can't. I'm shaking too badly. Tears fill my eyes.

I do what I don't want to-I call my sponsor.

"I've done it again. I drank last night. I didn't want to. I over ate last night. I didn't want to. I ate a cake this morning. I didn't want to. I threw it up. I didn't want to. I called you. I didn't want to."

Deep breath.

"I want help.""

Damn am I a good writer.

So now of course I get reflective.

I cannot write words of total recovery, of health, of victory over addiction.

Because I was doing exactly what I wrote a year ago this time yesterday. I binge ate and threw up until 6 PM when relief came by having to go meet friends to see A-Track at this year's Block Party. A year ago I don't think I would have left the house out of hurt, shame and pure addiction and selfishness. Going to meet them was a relief and the only thing that kept me from continuing to just eat until I hurt and get rid of it. Not knowing why I can't stop, what made me think it was once again a good idea to start.

While I'm not recovered yet I am in a much better place.
I am 60 days sober today.
I have been through partial hospitalization treatment for my bulimia, intensive outpatient and now outpatient.
I have been getting help through AA for my drinking.
I have more good days than bad.
I have a real relationship with my mom and a growing one with my dad.
I have become a better person, less selfish.
I hold four jobs when this time last year I lost one and could barely show up for another.
I have a steady boyfriend that I'm there for, present for and honest with.

However, I still have deep shame for my body. I am 20 lbs heavier than I was. I see and feel the weight and grit my teeth. I cannot look at myself in the mirror unless the angle is just right the light flattering and I have enough makeup on. I put pictures up online of when I feel pretty to hopefully get a boost from my super close facebook friends (yes that's sarcasm) that I am in fact ok - pretty, worthy.

I am still seeking attention from guys to make myself feel once again worthy, important, desirable. I am not getting that satisfaction from myself.

My priorities are still my looks over all else but now I'm starting to make room for being a good person. Measuring my success not by my weight but by how many people I can help.

If this is how far I've come in a year, I can't imagine the words of hope and wisdom I'll have in another year. I won't give up, I can't.

I have you all that have reached out to me and given me kind words of encouragement and understanding to thank for much of my perseverance.

I now have faith and knowledge that what I cannot do for myself will be done for me if I keep believing and asking for help. I'm living proof of it.

Checking In

This is a letter I wrote to my therapist and dietician this morning. I haven't seen them in two weeks, nor have I said one word to them. 

"I feel like we are friends who had a slight falling out and I'm not sure how to approach you again. Or where I stand.

But that's crazy. 

I've twisted being away from treatment into this huge thing that's creating me a lot of anxiety.

I wanted to prove to you all that I could do it on my own (not that you ever dared me to). That I could just do AA and not have behaviors and be free finally.

Wellit hasn't gone that way. I've had ups and downs but more downs I'd say. I've BP at work two days in a row causing me to not finish my work. I have felt like even though I know what the right thing to do is I can't stop doing the wrong. I know that I can't just deter from my meal plan for a buffet at work for a moment to pretend like I'm normal. But I did it anyway. 

I see myself doing things that I shouldn't do, like stealing, bingeing, trying to get on the light rail for free, running red lights on my bike and I feel I can't stop. Each choice makes me more mad at myself and watch the negative pile up and the failures so I can't see the good.

I'm a bit calmer now but the past couple of days I've just been upset and not known why or how to fix it or feel my feelings which pisses me right off.

I haven't followed my meal plan, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been going to AA, I haven't been talkign to anyone about what's wrong and it's left me miserable. I don't know how many fuckign times I'm going to have to go through this until I get it through my head that this is no way to live but it looks like I had to do it once more.

I feel out of control. Who knows how much I weigh now. I know it's gone up. I can feel the rolls on my stomach and sides when I do things like bend over or curl up to sleep that weren't there before. I had an illusive control when I was doing ED behaviors regularly like over eating, under eating, exercising compulsively but now I don't have that illusion and since I can't do what I used to do to feel in control I feel even more out of control.

I hope this makes sense.

But what does make me feel calm now is getting to work on time, helping other people, eating on my meal plan, keeping my room clean, hanging out with friends, working out normally and i've been doing that too I just have let the negative over shadow everything again. So I guess I'm ok now. It's just when I think of my weight and how much I've fucked up for so long I can't bear it and want to just run and run until there's nothing left of me, nothing left to feel or see or hate."

Thanks for reading.

Inventory

I haven't written in a while because I was so happy then I was so sad.

I'm coming off a week long binge after a week long of not bingeing and before that it was a week long binge.

So much money wasted and time on eating and throwing up-I disgust myself.

Anyway, I felt compelled to write-not about the above but about what I'm doing right now.

I'm doing an inventory on my life up until now. I'm listing out resentments, fears and people / places I've harmed.

I resent over 300 people. Going through my facebook friends alone got me most of them but my God I had no idea I was this jealous, bitter and angry at people...especially my dearest friends.

Every girl who is happily married (not sure why I am jealous of that), who is thinner than me, in better shape, has a fiance, has a job I want, who was once my friend but doesn't talk to me anymore, any guys I dated or thought should be more interested in me and show me more attention...I AM STILL UPSET AT THEM.

And half the shit I'm saying is my own opinion and not facts, like "She's prettier than me. She's happier than me. She thinks she's better than me. He talks to her more than me."

I've have created so much hate in myself that it's clouded my head and my perception. It's blocking me from moving forward.

I will share them with a trusted friend so these resentments and fears are no longer inside of me, no longer holding me back.

Also, I've realized I'm petrified of losing my job, getting a new job, trying to get a new job, trying to be sexy, trying on jeans, being overweight (we knew that one), of never being good enough, of everyone else's opinion, that I'm never going to figure this out, that everyone has it better than me, that I'm missing out on something, that I'm not doing enough...etc

And the hardest one is going back through not the people that hurt me (the kids that spray painted WHORE in my lawn, the girls in the 6th grade that called me Super Bitch, my "best friends" that wrote shit about me anonymously online, my parents who never got me help) but rather those I have hurt.

The best friends whose guys I've taken, the boy friend I cheated on, the guys I moved onto one to the next without a break, the ones I used so I could feel important and get attention, all of the times I've made my family late for something because I was working out or staring at myself in the mirror.

All of my shame, fears, worst traits have been brought up lately and it's really fucking overwhelming.

I know it'll get better after this but it sucks listing over 300 things that make you a bad person. But I guess we're all flawed and I'm doing something right by doing something about it.