I haven't written like this in a while...hope it takes you to where I was and what I was feeling...
My eyes are closed … my head bends down in line with my neck and back as I stretch my arms toward my feet. The pull of the stretch feels good. Breath in … breath out.
My heart beats slow as the sweat continues to rise and drop down my temples. I feel empowered. The black nothingness behind my eye lids is comforting … soothing … I now see what I was neglecting to when they were open.
It’s like my life was a song I’ve heard a million times but this is the first time I’ve taken time to listen to the words.
Discovery no matter how small is exhilarating.
My ears hear silence … the song changed in my head phones ... the easy intro into “Moment for Life” comes on. I switch legs…feeling the stretch deep … I hear…“to live doesn’t mean you’re alive.”
I feel so much more alive in this moment (and that I have a sound track for my life all of a sudden haha).
“I wish that I could have this moment for life…for life…for life…cus in this moment I just feel so alive…alive …alive”
I get up from the mat thinking my work out is done.
Then emotion takes over… unrecognizable and undeniable. It surges through me … whatever it is…energy…anger…sadness… elation. It wants out … I want out. My fists clench … my nails dig deep into my palms with pressure. Across the mirrored aerobics room I see the punching bag. The bass pulses through me and comes out in tears, frustration, confusion…I approach the bag.
Hit it once. Then again … right left right left. It absorbs whatever it is I’m putting out. It doesn’t push back, it doesn’t deny me, it doesn’t answer me, it is steady. My punches become more constant along with my tears. My knuckles start to redden, the delicate skin tears, making it difficult to hit hard … to get this aggression out…but I don’t stop. I’m not done yet…whatever has started this is not ready to stop.
I am free to express myself.
I plant my left foot and kick with my right. My whole body is thrown into the action … one fluid motion of emotion. I kick. I hit. I cry.
“…I wish I could have this moment for life….” The song ends.
I hit the bag one last time … realizing how much my knuckles hurt and how much my heart doesn’t anymore.
Kris.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
What I Learned in Church Today
This is the Third Sunday in Lent.
Oh BTW I gave up artificial sugar...aka not using Splenda or having diet sodas.
I have had a successful time for the most part. Since I gave it up I've had like 10 splenda packets (I caved a couple times at work when I wanted tea) and ONE Pepsi Max. The Pepsi Max actually gave me a caffeine boost yesterday ... weird how when I was drinking like 4 diet sodas a day I never noticed.
So today I did NOT get church. The sermon was over, past, through my head haha But the coolest thing did happen...
I went to the 9 am service which was pizzacked compared to 11. And it was so cool because there was a BAND! I was like I need to come earlier more often. But their presence had nothing to do with time ... I guess they come every 3 months or so! And there usually is a band but these guys were different...you could tell they were real performers you know? Man I feel just awful for saying all of this because the USUAL people that sing and play for the church are great too. Ah. Anyway.
I don't sing.
In public.
Only in my car. Usually ALONE.
I have HATED and I mean strong dislike singing at church ... like NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS CAROLS. Ya ... believe it.
But today during the welcome I started singing...I didn't even realize it...and I started to tear up.
It was a freeing feeling. I didn't care. The fact that I suck at singing...that I was standing alone in the pew surrounded by couples and families...that I wasn't sure of the tune...didn't matter. I just automatically joined in.
These realizations or findings or little miracles I keep experiencing as I let God in my life are well AWESOME. It's a slow but constant learning process .. "it" meaning understanding who I am and who I'm becoming. I don't remember how I used to see my life exactly but there was a lot of anger, insecurities, days of unshakable loneliness. I don't feel that way anymore. I am realizing that I have a choice and I am choosing to ACT on life not react to it.
Kris.
BTW This was taken when I was at Ocean Shores yesterday. I did a promo for ESPN radio with The Groz. http://www.mynorthwest.com/category/grosby
It was a nice way to break up a day of work.
The sunset and ocean are so powerful and in an instant humbled me. Mother nature is so beautiful, powerful and serene (well in this case I guess!)
Oh BTW I gave up artificial sugar...aka not using Splenda or having diet sodas.
I have had a successful time for the most part. Since I gave it up I've had like 10 splenda packets (I caved a couple times at work when I wanted tea) and ONE Pepsi Max. The Pepsi Max actually gave me a caffeine boost yesterday ... weird how when I was drinking like 4 diet sodas a day I never noticed.
So today I did NOT get church. The sermon was over, past, through my head haha But the coolest thing did happen...
I went to the 9 am service which was pizzacked compared to 11. And it was so cool because there was a BAND! I was like I need to come earlier more often. But their presence had nothing to do with time ... I guess they come every 3 months or so! And there usually is a band but these guys were different...you could tell they were real performers you know? Man I feel just awful for saying all of this because the USUAL people that sing and play for the church are great too. Ah. Anyway.
I don't sing.
In public.
Only in my car. Usually ALONE.
I have HATED and I mean strong dislike singing at church ... like NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS CAROLS. Ya ... believe it.
But today during the welcome I started singing...I didn't even realize it...and I started to tear up.
It was a freeing feeling. I didn't care. The fact that I suck at singing...that I was standing alone in the pew surrounded by couples and families...that I wasn't sure of the tune...didn't matter. I just automatically joined in.
These realizations or findings or little miracles I keep experiencing as I let God in my life are well AWESOME. It's a slow but constant learning process .. "it" meaning understanding who I am and who I'm becoming. I don't remember how I used to see my life exactly but there was a lot of anger, insecurities, days of unshakable loneliness. I don't feel that way anymore. I am realizing that I have a choice and I am choosing to ACT on life not react to it.
Kris.
BTW This was taken when I was at Ocean Shores yesterday. I did a promo for ESPN radio with The Groz. http://www.mynorthwest.com/category/grosby
It was a nice way to break up a day of work.
The sunset and ocean are so powerful and in an instant humbled me. Mother nature is so beautiful, powerful and serene (well in this case I guess!)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Vegetable Ragout...ish
So 2 points for me for cooking something new (ish) this week. I actually have made this recipe before ... or so I thought ... until I realized the stinkin magazine SELF called the recipe the same thing and CHANGED EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. So I lose two points for not actually reading the recipe before agreeing to cook dinner for everyone.
WHOOPS. It's all in a days work though.
So Vegetable Ragout.
Here's what it looks like in the end.
But first things first. You've got to get:
-1/2 cup of Low-sodium vegetable broth
-1/2 cup of water (easypeasy)
-2 cups of spinach
-1 cup chopped tomatoes...tomato?
-1 cup canned chickpeas (RINSE AND DRAINED! Otherwise it's all um slimy...yes I was a journalism student and yes that's the best adjective I can think of)
-1/2 cup frozen peas
(I took this just so I can say my dad's favorite joke..."I pead on the floor" HA)
-1 crushed garlic clove
ORRR You can cheat and use a half a teaspoon of this shtuff...haha look at my EYE...creep.
ONTO THE COOKING!!
Simmer the liquids for a bit and add all the other ingredients a short time after the chicken broth and water heat up like so ...
Make sure your pan is big enough .... this one ended up being fine.
But I was annoyed at the fact that I may have to move it. I am so lazy.
Simmer everything for about 20 minutes. This is where things got tricky for me...the magazine calls for it to simmer for 30 but there was so much water accumulating that I had to dump some out and it turned into more of a bunch of ingredients bowling in water than um RAGOUT (I don't even know what that is). So I learned that...if you cook everything for too long the peas turn a funny green color (overcooked) and the spinach is not even spinach anymore (Pop-Eye would be ashamed of how limp and pathetic his veggie is...does that sound dirty? ... anyway)
I served this dish with whole wheat pasta and apple sauce on ze side.
My family agreed that it'd be better with rice (psh THEN THEY MAKE DINNER NEXT TIME)...and actually I agree as well.
But it was super easy and healthy and cheap! ... sounds like I'm describing myself haha Wow I just think I'm too funny tonight.
Anyway an extra treat for you is bellow...it's my cat Buster. He just turned 9. Poor thing had gone to the vet today and was super drugged up and I took advantage of his ridiculousness.
Thanks for reading. It's bedtime. Kris.
WHOOPS. It's all in a days work though.
So Vegetable Ragout.
Here's what it looks like in the end.
But first things first. You've got to get:
-1/2 cup of Low-sodium vegetable broth
-1/2 cup of water (easypeasy)
-2 cups of spinach
-1 cup chopped tomatoes...tomato?
-1 cup canned chickpeas (RINSE AND DRAINED! Otherwise it's all um slimy...yes I was a journalism student and yes that's the best adjective I can think of)
-1/2 cup frozen peas
(I took this just so I can say my dad's favorite joke..."I pead on the floor" HA)
-1 crushed garlic clove
ORRR You can cheat and use a half a teaspoon of this shtuff...haha look at my EYE...creep.
ONTO THE COOKING!!
Simmer the liquids for a bit and add all the other ingredients a short time after the chicken broth and water heat up like so ...
Make sure your pan is big enough .... this one ended up being fine.
But I was annoyed at the fact that I may have to move it. I am so lazy.
Simmer everything for about 20 minutes. This is where things got tricky for me...the magazine calls for it to simmer for 30 but there was so much water accumulating that I had to dump some out and it turned into more of a bunch of ingredients bowling in water than um RAGOUT (I don't even know what that is). So I learned that...if you cook everything for too long the peas turn a funny green color (overcooked) and the spinach is not even spinach anymore (Pop-Eye would be ashamed of how limp and pathetic his veggie is...does that sound dirty? ... anyway)
I served this dish with whole wheat pasta and apple sauce on ze side.
My family agreed that it'd be better with rice (psh THEN THEY MAKE DINNER NEXT TIME)...and actually I agree as well.
But it was super easy and healthy and cheap! ... sounds like I'm describing myself haha Wow I just think I'm too funny tonight.
Anyway an extra treat for you is bellow...it's my cat Buster. He just turned 9. Poor thing had gone to the vet today and was super drugged up and I took advantage of his ridiculousness.
Thanks for reading. It's bedtime. Kris.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Joseph
Everyday at 11:35, I have a two minute conversation with "trash guy" Joseph.
He comes into my building dragging along two gigantic trashbins that in two seconds fill up my glass enclosed lobby with the most unpleasant smell.
I used to snub him...
He is a small, Chinese man with quirky hair and a walk to match. Just not my type of person you know? Plus by the looks of it he doesn't speak a lick of English.
Welp my ignorant ass was wrong.
Last week, Joseph asked me my name. He had noticed I was not there to say hello when I took St. Patrick's Day off.
Today we got the basics down. How am I? Am I married? How old am I? Why don't I work full-time? ... which led us to money. I explained I am lucky enough to live at home and am able to live off a parttime salary. Then he says...
"Money don't mean anything. Look at the people in Japan. Everything they had gone."
Thank you Joseph for teaching me not to judge a book by its cover and to be happy with what I have.
He comes into my building dragging along two gigantic trashbins that in two seconds fill up my glass enclosed lobby with the most unpleasant smell.
I used to snub him...
He is a small, Chinese man with quirky hair and a walk to match. Just not my type of person you know? Plus by the looks of it he doesn't speak a lick of English.
Welp my ignorant ass was wrong.
Last week, Joseph asked me my name. He had noticed I was not there to say hello when I took St. Patrick's Day off.
Today we got the basics down. How am I? Am I married? How old am I? Why don't I work full-time? ... which led us to money. I explained I am lucky enough to live at home and am able to live off a parttime salary. Then he says...
"Money don't mean anything. Look at the people in Japan. Everything they had gone."
Thank you Joseph for teaching me not to judge a book by its cover and to be happy with what I have.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
What I Learned In Church
Yes. I made the morally correct decision and went to church at 11 this morning ... neglecting to watch the end of the Husky game. Pastor Paul made a reference to the game in his welcome...he rocks. I found out he is leaving in June however ... which is lame because I already feel so out of place there. Pastor Paul is my friend whether he knows it or not. The way he describes the bible and Jesus and the lessons we should learn makes me feel like he is just there for me. I think that means he's doing his job :)
BTW I go to North Creek Presbyterian Church. http://www.northcreekpres.org/
(I have to sound out Presssssssssssss by uhhh ter I A N everytime I spell it...thank goodness for those squiggly redlines under my words after I type them telling me I didn't learn that much in school).
As I mentioned in a previous post (SO GO READ ALL OF MY RANTINGS SO YOU'RE UPDATED)I wanted to try mindful meditation.
In mindfulness meditation we are learning to pay attention to our current experience, whatever it may be, without judging it, changing or distracting from it,explains Jade Pryzgoda, a psychologist. I got this from this magazine....
Which is not usually sideways...I just can't figure out how to make it go upright.
ANYWAY. The whole point of this is that while I was listening to Pastor Paul pray my mind was going a million miles a minute in every direction. I WENT TO CHURCH TO PRAY AND LISTEN TO THE WORD OF GOD AND I'M NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION. Then I thought hmmm I should blog about mind my wandering ... yet again making my mind wander. Ugh.
So today this 10 year old girl in a bright pink skirt and matching glitter head band was baptized. She accepted God as her savior...she knows why he is in her life and how she wants him to be in her life. She's 10. I am too scared to even write my name on the attendance sheet. I'm too scared to stop the habits that I have that separate me from God. But itty bitty tiny (we'll call her Abby) Abby knows what she wants and is not afraid.
HOW COOL IS THAT?
or rather inspiring.
This is the second Sunday of Lent so we talked about when Jesus told the criminal next to him "TODAY YOU WILL BE WITH ME IN PARADISE." WHOA. Paradise? My paradise is eating peanut butter and oreos (double stuf thank you) and not gaining a pound. My paradise is full of luscious greenery sun life animals (NOT SNAKES) and flowers. Or maybe after listening to the biblical version of paradise my paradise is heaven.
There were two men (and please do not quote me because well this is my 3rd day at church and I may not be as reliable as I like to think) next to Jesus on the cross...both criminals. One was griping about how Jesus wasn't trying to save himself the other shut up and realized who Jesus was. He understood that he was close to God, that he could ask for forgiveness, that he was not alone in death or life, so he said to Jesus, "Jesus remember me."
That man could have been forgotten...he would have gone down in history and stayed there as no one ... nothing special ... nothing remembered. BUT BECAUSE HE HAD THE COURAGE! (please note the emphasis on courage) to speak up and say something he was saved ... he is now remembered as a man of faith.
Abby also had courage today.
It takes courage to change. I'm finding that the thrill and adrenaline of doing something that has a risk with it and unknown outcome is me practicing courage.
Like now...I am taking the time to sit in church alone trying to figure out my life...I am taking the risk of putting this out for you to read...I am risking not blow drying my hair in hopes it turns out ok and you know what these risks feel good.
So find your own courage and take a risk today <3
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Chicken in a Quicken in da Kitchen
I got this recipe from DotFit...
In the end it looks like this...
But before that you have to get this...
Pick up:
- 4-5 ounce chicken breasts
- 2 cups sliced mushrooms (or slice em yourself you lazy)
- 1 cup sliced zucchini
- I added squash (because I like squash)
- 1 cup light Italian dressing (orrr you could not have an entire cup of that stuff and improvise by adding 1/4 cup lemon juice and a bit of olive oil)
PREHEAT THE OVEN to 4 fifty degrees (450)
NOW take the chicken breasts and put them each on their own individual pieces of foil (12 X 18 inches).
DIVIDE the veggies accordingly (my mom doesn't like squash so I got it all...score)then pour the dressing over chicken and vegetables.
SEAL the goodies in by taking both side sides making it like a tent. Fold the top and bottom over onto themselves so there is enough room for ventilation.
STICK THOSE BABIES IN THE OVEN...for 20 minutes or so.
Make sure your chicken is FULLY COOKED by jabbing it with a meat thermometer (it will be fully cooked and good to eat at 165 degrees)
Hopefully it looks something like the above ... or who knows maybe you're better than me and it looks even more delectable.
Great success.
Next time I'm going to marinade the chicken in the dressing for a while THEN cook it...it wasn't as flavorful as I was hoping but the chicken was juicy :)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
What I Learned In Church Today
Today was day numero dos for going to church.
I actually dressed a little nicer this time because my leggings and I got some not-so-approving looks the first Sunday I went.
Today the theme of the sermon was FORGIVENESS.
Whoa talk about timing on that one ... I didn't realize how much I had been holding onto negatives and people in my life until this morning. When you don't forgive you are the one oppressed ... you are the one filled with hate or anger or sadness and ironically the person/thing/event that caused your resentment or what have you is not in as much turmoil as you are because not being able to forgive is all in your head. The minutes hours days thoughts are all lost time when you don't forgive.
Yes you probably already know this .... at least that's what I was saying in my head to Pastor Paul when he was talking ... but HOW DO YOU FORGIVE? It'd be nice to just shake hands and be on your merry way. Or just drop off the stains and dirt you have in your life at the cleaners and pick em up the next day good as new (with that fresh laundry scent)...BUT IT DONWERKDAT WAY!
So of course he answered my question immediately after my mind began to race and distract me from the sermon ... and what he said was ....
When you are limited, you've fallen and you just don't have it in you to move on ... God can.
LIGHT BULB!
When Jesus was on the cross in the place of the skull he said "Father, forgive them, for they do not know that they are doing." Jesus forgave us for our sins. That power and love is still something I don't understand or can begin to explain but it's nice to know it's there.
I realized this message means I need to not only forgive others but I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive myself for not being perfect, for not being where I want to be in life, or who I want to be in life. I need to tell my high power that I cannot handle this on my own. I do not know how to forgive myself...or the right steps to take in order to better myself so please help me.
And that's all the sense I can make out of that.
<3
I actually dressed a little nicer this time because my leggings and I got some not-so-approving looks the first Sunday I went.
Today the theme of the sermon was FORGIVENESS.
Whoa talk about timing on that one ... I didn't realize how much I had been holding onto negatives and people in my life until this morning. When you don't forgive you are the one oppressed ... you are the one filled with hate or anger or sadness and ironically the person/thing/event that caused your resentment or what have you is not in as much turmoil as you are because not being able to forgive is all in your head. The minutes hours days thoughts are all lost time when you don't forgive.
Yes you probably already know this .... at least that's what I was saying in my head to Pastor Paul when he was talking ... but HOW DO YOU FORGIVE? It'd be nice to just shake hands and be on your merry way. Or just drop off the stains and dirt you have in your life at the cleaners and pick em up the next day good as new (with that fresh laundry scent)...BUT IT DONWERKDAT WAY!
So of course he answered my question immediately after my mind began to race and distract me from the sermon ... and what he said was ....
When you are limited, you've fallen and you just don't have it in you to move on ... God can.
LIGHT BULB!
When Jesus was on the cross in the place of the skull he said "Father, forgive them, for they do not know that they are doing." Jesus forgave us for our sins. That power and love is still something I don't understand or can begin to explain but it's nice to know it's there.
I realized this message means I need to not only forgive others but I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive myself for not being perfect, for not being where I want to be in life, or who I want to be in life. I need to tell my high power that I cannot handle this on my own. I do not know how to forgive myself...or the right steps to take in order to better myself so please help me.
And that's all the sense I can make out of that.
<3
Friday, March 11, 2011
Remember It Could Be Worse
I'm getting sick...I have the shivers the aches the chills...the foggy head (or maybe that's just normal for me on a Friday).
My grandma is in surgery right now.
I'm single once again.
I have to work at 6:30 am ON A SATURDAY!
My life was looking pretty miserable...until...I started reading about the tsunami in Japan.
Once night fell in Tokyo the temperatures dropped to just above freezing. Tens of thousands of people had no way of getting to where they needed to go, if they still had a place to go to.
There are shelters for the survivors but most are staying in 24 hours cafes or hotels.
When something is wrong the first place I want to go to is home...to my bed...with my cats. These people who just experienced the fifth largest earthquake since 1900 don't have the luxury to worry about their dating life or when they'll get to the gym next.
My strife over the way my life has gone this week is a waste of my time. The energy spent crying, worrying, analysing has done nothing for me or others.
So as I sit here curled up as close as possible to my desk heater I am reminded of how big the world is, how small I am. I wish I could remember to practice this humility daily...
However I am not trying to be miss Negative Nancy here. Who likes her? My life is as important as I make it. Every day I make small and big decisions that have a domino effect.
This is an example of one of those small decisions that has a big impact.
Last summer I took a chance and dated this guy who was not my type. He's short, in his 30s, chews and is into MMA ... but his personality was what attracted me. We dated for a pathetic 3 weeks maybe? He was the first guy that I didn't know that hit on me that I actually went out with. Our first date was to a Mariner's game ... I had an extra ticket ... he played softball ... why not? Anyway...after a couple dates he told me he was a recovering alcoholic...sober 9 years. We talked about AA and living with a disease one day at a time. My disease is not with booze but with my body. I've been going to Over Eaters Anonymous for 6 months now and it's changed my life. That's all thanks to my decision to take a chance.
Crazy huh?
Or the other day I picked a random building to use the restroom in on Microsoft's INSANELY HUGE campus. I grabbed up a free magazine to read on the bus in that building. In the reading it had an article about meditation ... something I had been contemplating. It was as though my higher power was present nudging me to find that magazine, to see an alternative way to control my disease.
Ever since I started OA I realized that God is in my life and I keep seeing him come through and talk to me. It's Awesome. Yes with a capital A. I am no longer alone..
Wow writing this has been much harder than it should be. I am incredibly out of practice. It's frustrating to know what I want to say and not be able to get my point across in the funny light hearted sarcastic clever manner I want to...guess I'll just have to do this more often.
It's intimidating to know I'm writing something that others can see and judge...I'm so used to writing in a journal where spelling, grammar, content don't matter. There my thoughts are my own and only for me to read. The power of journaling is amazing though, it's like my brain is talking through the pen and paper.
Hmmm I went from a terrible disaster to journaling...oh and last thing is I'm not sure the point of this blog...but I want to write and be a good writer (like I once was) so I guess this is where I'll start.
Kris
My grandma is in surgery right now.
I'm single once again.
I have to work at 6:30 am ON A SATURDAY!
My life was looking pretty miserable...until...I started reading about the tsunami in Japan.
Once night fell in Tokyo the temperatures dropped to just above freezing. Tens of thousands of people had no way of getting to where they needed to go, if they still had a place to go to.
There are shelters for the survivors but most are staying in 24 hours cafes or hotels.
When something is wrong the first place I want to go to is home...to my bed...with my cats. These people who just experienced the fifth largest earthquake since 1900 don't have the luxury to worry about their dating life or when they'll get to the gym next.
My strife over the way my life has gone this week is a waste of my time. The energy spent crying, worrying, analysing has done nothing for me or others.
So as I sit here curled up as close as possible to my desk heater I am reminded of how big the world is, how small I am. I wish I could remember to practice this humility daily...
However I am not trying to be miss Negative Nancy here. Who likes her? My life is as important as I make it. Every day I make small and big decisions that have a domino effect.
This is an example of one of those small decisions that has a big impact.
Last summer I took a chance and dated this guy who was not my type. He's short, in his 30s, chews and is into MMA ... but his personality was what attracted me. We dated for a pathetic 3 weeks maybe? He was the first guy that I didn't know that hit on me that I actually went out with. Our first date was to a Mariner's game ... I had an extra ticket ... he played softball ... why not? Anyway...after a couple dates he told me he was a recovering alcoholic...sober 9 years. We talked about AA and living with a disease one day at a time. My disease is not with booze but with my body. I've been going to Over Eaters Anonymous for 6 months now and it's changed my life. That's all thanks to my decision to take a chance.
Crazy huh?
Or the other day I picked a random building to use the restroom in on Microsoft's INSANELY HUGE campus. I grabbed up a free magazine to read on the bus in that building. In the reading it had an article about meditation ... something I had been contemplating. It was as though my higher power was present nudging me to find that magazine, to see an alternative way to control my disease.
Ever since I started OA I realized that God is in my life and I keep seeing him come through and talk to me. It's Awesome. Yes with a capital A. I am no longer alone..
Wow writing this has been much harder than it should be. I am incredibly out of practice. It's frustrating to know what I want to say and not be able to get my point across in the funny light hearted sarcastic clever manner I want to...guess I'll just have to do this more often.
It's intimidating to know I'm writing something that others can see and judge...I'm so used to writing in a journal where spelling, grammar, content don't matter. There my thoughts are my own and only for me to read. The power of journaling is amazing though, it's like my brain is talking through the pen and paper.
Hmmm I went from a terrible disaster to journaling...oh and last thing is I'm not sure the point of this blog...but I want to write and be a good writer (like I once was) so I guess this is where I'll start.
Kris
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